Spark Science: Still hits my funny bone after all these years!

Does anyone remember Spark Science?

I used to keep up with thespark.com back in the olden days but they're defunct now -- the guys sold the site and all the stuff on it to Barnes & Noble who, I'm sad to say, wiped it clean and all the magic of Spark Science was gone.

I've searched for some of the classics before and wasn't ever able to come up with anything so I cried little tears but I knew that I'd keep the Stinky Feet in my heart for years to come.

THEN LAST WEEKEND I was watching Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist and there was a concert scene and I did a double-take because the band was Bishop Allen! I've never really been into them but this is notable because Bishop Allen is made up of the guys behind the original Spark Science projects.

So that got me thinking about it all again and I re-Googled and YAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAY! Thanks to the magic of the internet, I present to you, Spark Science!!!

Stinky Meat

Stinky Feet

Stinky Meat II (my least favorite, but definitely part of the collection)

The Fat Project

Date My Sister

The sites aren't live or anything so some of the pictures are dead, but YAY for the Waybackmachine!

I want to tap my fingers on Laurina's belly and be all "OPEN OPEN OPEN!"

Not to be too kumbaya and "the miracle of life is a beautiful thing" on you all or anything, but I'm going to be an aunt ANY DAY NOW and in the last week or so I've started to get kinda gooby about the whole thing.

I've NEVER thought that pregnancy sounded like a good idea. It seems barbaric that we would grow new humans INSIDE OTHER HUMANS and then brutally shove them out, ripping and stretching everything along the way. I mean, that's how ANIMALS do it. How CAVEMEN did it. I, in the 21st century, should be able to order a baby from a laboratory or something and have it delivered and all these women who choose to actually get PREGNANT in order to have a baby must be hippies who revel in the beauty of nature.

AND I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

I'm not saying I don't think babies are exciting because they TOTALLY are and I love holding them and pinching their cheeks and kissing their fat arms but the whole process involved with getting them here is undesirable. Maybe if I cared about having my own kids I'd feel differently but I absolutely do not get why someone would want to do that.

But then I heard that Laurina has started to dialate and for a moment I got all "OMG her body is staring to prepare for the birth of my brother's child and OMG THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL." And I'll admit that I got a little teary. DAMN THAT BABY for turning me into a wuss.

This wasn't the original point of this post (It was going to be "It's a trip that in a few days this person will show up and be the center of my whole family's universe and we'll love him/her more than anything but right now? Today? This person doesn't even exist yet. That's weird.") but I've lost my will to keep going because all I can think about is how Joanie will be here in an hour to pick me up for lunch and how eating a 5AM breakfast was stupid because now I'm STARVING.

But I will say this: I've lived nearly 33 years without being an aunt and I'm pretty sure that one day I'll look back and think that I can't imagine life without Baby and that's pretty hard to wrap my head around. And one day, when I'm 67, I'll have lived longer WITH Baby than without Baby and my life without Baby will seem like it was so long ago.

OBESE SAUSAGE BACON BRIDESMAID LOVER: My new favorite YOUR MOM type insult.

There's a direct correlation between my workload at, um, WORK and the frequency with which I blog. Therefore, the sorry state of my blog lately = WHOA, WORK!

I have stuff I need to blog about but I don't just want to be all "OMG CK CAME TO VISIT AND WE ATE HAPPY MEAL PIZZA AND OYSTERS AND WE WERE OVER-SERVED AT THE DRAG QUEEN BAR THE END" so I'm putting all that off for another day.

What I *will* take a moment to share with you is a list of things people were searching for when they found my blog. I don't really care how many hits I get or which IP addresses they came from but HOLY HECK the search referral tool is a kick in the pants.

There are three main themes:

1. People searching for something along the lines of "elizabeth loves bacon blog," which I assume is people who have neglected to bookmark or add me to their blog readers, but who are still DYING to catch up on the blah blah blah.

Thank you searchers, I'm genuinely flattered, but these benign searches aren't making me do any double takes.

2. People searching for bridesmaid dresses for fatties. And paraplegics. For example:

dresses for obese bridesmaids

obese bridesmaid dresses

paraplegic bridesmaid

bridesmaid dresses for fat arms

It's kinda surprising how often the word obese is mentioned.

But then there's also the opposite:

stick thin bridesmaid

I don't think that person found what s/he was looking for, but they were probably treated to a bridesmaid fashion show anyway. The paraplegic searcher was likely disappointed to see that really I was just making fun of a stupid country song.

3. People searching for answers to an assortment of eye booger questions:

avoid annoying eye boogers

eye booger in baby eye

picture of baby eye boogers

Little did I know my post about breaking up with my carpool guy because he put his eye boogers in my tea would lead to so much eye booger traffic!! I don't know anything about BABY eye boogers though.

BUT THEN there are the uncategorized searches:

battleaxe couples cell phone strap

stupid maryland crab tattoo

obese sausage bacon bridesmaid lover

Who the heck knows where those came from but:

A) This sounds like it has the possibility of being dirty. Kinda like when my dad went eBaying for "leather straps."

B) I'd agree that Maryland crab tattoos are probably stupid.

C) WHAT'S IT TO YA?

E-Famous

I'm all over the internet these days. Or, in two spots, anyway:

1. I am in one of the Bay to Breakers gallery shots on SFist. Looking super alert. Phone in one hand, cocktail in the other. I hope my parents are proud.

2. My tongue is featured on Radar. Again, I hope my parents are proud. If you're a lagger and you miss it, you can see me in all my glory HERE.

Not quite a marathon runner, but getting there...

I keep meaning to write a post about how much my mood has improved over the last couple of months and how, whenever I emerge from a funk, I'm surprised at just how much happier and energetic I am. My funks don't tend to be frequent or blatantly obvious, (this last one was lengthy because of my extended unemployment followed by months of uncertainty when I finally did get a job) but when they're over I want to run down the street in a pretty dress as I say good morning to strangers and exclaim that IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY to anyone who will listen.

So I keep meaning to write that post but it's just not coming out so instead I'll give you an example of the non-funk Elizabeth in action:

I woke up bright and early on Sunday morning and didn't have to work until 9AM so I thought about going to the gym or maybe going up to Crissy Field to test my time running a mile but then I realized that OH! It's only 7AM, which means that it's late enough for the sun to be up but not so late the the Golden Gate Bridge would be overrun with tourists! I'M GONNA GO RUN ACROSS IT!

So I did.

We used to run the bridge at boot camp but then we got a new coach and she wasn't hot on that, so we didn't do it anymore. My previous bridge "runs" have been run/walks that K-I-L-L-E-D me (I've only been able to run a whole mile without stopping since about this time last year and I haven't really worked on increasing my distance) and because I've always been pressed for time, I've aimed for the Marin County line, which is right at the second tower.

I'm pleased as punch to report that I ran the whole way to Marin yesterday morning and really, I could have kept going to complete the whole bridge but I had to get back home in time for my 9AM work thing. I'm not exactly sure how far that was, but the bridge is 1.7 miles and the Marin County line seems to be about 3/4 of the way across. If I'm guessing correctly, this would have been my longest run without stopping ever! I walked back and all, but shoot -- BABY STEPS!

Next time: Run the WHOLE THING!

My morning in pictures, AKA If the Bridge is this Beautiful in Camera Phone Pictures, Imagine How Beautiful it is in Real Life:

I have a whole lot to say about a whole lot of nothing.

1. From Fail Blog:


Like a bidet, I imagine.

2. There are five apartments on each floor of my building and each floor shares a washer and dryer. Until recently, I'd never had much of a problem doing my laundry whenever the heck I felt like it because I don't think 303 or 301 EVER did laundry, 304 was never home and 305 is a late night laundry guy. So that left 302 (me) plenty of prime time laundry doing.

BUT THEN 303 sold his apartment and the new owner, GASP, does laundry on a regular basis so I had to compete with him, but fine, no problem, whatever.

AND THEN 304 rented her place out to a 20-something couple and not two days later I found a pair of underwears in my laundry that did not belong to me and I JUST KNEW that these new people would ALSO want to get on my laundry game.

DAMN THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR PERSONAL HYGIENE!!!!!!!!!!

3. But okay, speaking of finding those underpants in my laundry -- I was transferring stuff from the washer to the dryer and I saw what looked like a hot pink rubber glove or something sticking to one of my dresses. My mind processed this information slowly and I couldn't figure out what the heck I'd left in my pocket because this tiny, flimsy chunk of pink something-or-other was very confusing. It took me a second to realize that it was the new chick's underwear that was SO FREAKING SMALL and made of NOTHING that it's really no wonder they were forgotten.

I didn't want to embarrass her by knocking on her door and going "OH HAI, WANT YOUR CHONIES BACK??" and I didn't want to just leave them out for her to find because if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be horrrrrified to think that maybe 301 had been the one to find them and I'd have to throw them away because the thought of him touching my underpants would ruin them forever, so I just tossed them down the garbage chute.

The kicker is that when I finally figured out what they were I surprised myself with my old lady "THIS IS UNDERWEAR?? THIS IS WHAT THE KIDS ARE WEARING THESE DAYS?? THIS IS THE TINIEST, LEAST FUNCTIONAL UNDERWEAR I'VE EVER SEEN!" reaction.

32 going on 72, I tell you.

4. I think we've already established that I'm working on eating my way through the list of 100 Things to Try in SF Before You Die, right? Because I am. I've made some decent progress over the past few months and I'll save my reviews and blah blah blah for another post but I will say that I decided to earn #8: A morning bun from Tartine, by walking my ass 1.4 miles to get it:


My walk was not without incident though:

This is an example of why WE DO NOT RUN FOR BUSSES! Or in this case, a light. I was in a hurry because I had to work my second job (btw, I have a second job) and I didn't want to miss the light so I ran and my phone jumped out of my pocket. Oops. I've seen worse cases of iPhone injuries though so I know it'll be fine and I already kinda like that the back of my phone is all worn looking because I refuse to get a case for it, so another war wound will just add character. Besides, that morning bun was totally worth it.

5. The two greatest fortunes I've ever had:



6. So you know how Mother's Cookies went bankrupt or something and everyone cried little tears because they thought they'd eaten their last circus animals? And then how some other company bought Mothers' recipes? And how they sucked because the circus animals were bigger and creamier and tasted kinda lemony? Because all that is true. Here are the wanna-be circus animals:


WELL YOU'LL NEVER GUESS what I saw at Lucky's last night!! The original Mother's circus animals! I didn't think to take a picture before I threw the bag away (so I wouldn't keep eating them -- blasphemy, I know) but it said something like "The originals are back!" And I'm happy to tell you, Internet, that the new-new ones have the correct size, flavor and texture:



I called my dad to give him the good news and he was like "I was already having a great day so this just makes it even better!" He's a man who knows the importance of tradition. And now that I know they're back, I can go back to buying one bag every five years or so.

Making you smarter.

According to my Fact-A-Day calendar, The Netherlands have the tallest people. The average man is 6'1", versus the US where the average man is 5'9.5".

I think this means I should move to The Netherlands!

Also from that calendar:

Q: Which US state and its capital city do not share any of the same letters?

A: South Dakota and its capital, Pierre

This seemed like a Final Jeopardy question so I thought I'd call that out just in case another one of my friends makes it onto Jeopardy. (And, uh, Meredith MAY OR MAY NOT have played four days in a row without ever getting the Final Jeopardy question right so I'm trying to save my other nerd friends from that claim to fame.)