Friday, September 19, 2008

Bridesmaid dresses, revisited.

Okay so the rest of my road trip updates are coming, but first let's jump in my bridesmaid dress time machine! I was house-sitting for my parents while they drove back from Iowa with a bunch of Sarah's stuff (because when she left Iowa just over a year ago she didn't expect to immediately meet my brother and end up moving to California permanently) and the wedding presents so I decided to dig up all my old bridesmaid dresses to see if they still fit. AND THANK THE SWEET BABY JEEZUS, THEY DID! Well, mostly. So here you go, Internet...a trip down memory lane (and just so you know, most of these pictures were taken in my parents' basement...we do not live in clutter-filled squalor, I assure you):

The first wedding I was in was in 1997, I was 20 years old, I didn't think anyone would ever, ever, EVER ask me to be in a wedding and I was SO EXCITED when my friend Stacey asked me. We went to West Valley College together and we were friends for sure, but were we bridesmaid-worthy friends? Not so much. In fact, she moved to Colorado like two days after the wedding and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. BFFs 4 --> ? Yeah. We still exchange Christmas cards though. But anyway, I wanted to be in a wedding and she asked so I said yes.

We went to order the dresses (and I'm just now realizing that I know she had three or four bridesmaids but I have NO memory of who they were) and it was your standard polyester, floor-length bridesmaid dress. The sample and the one in the picture were kind of an eggplant or plum color so when she said they'd be "amethyst" I thought that meant "purple" or at least the same color as the one we'd seen.

No.

Turns out, "amethyst" is code for "Barney purple." Like, STRAIGHT UP Barney Purple.

Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:



Except DAMN IT, the picture of the dress is looking much more regular purple than it actually is. It's Barney purple, I swear.

It would be less linebackery if I had someone to secure the shoulder thing in back, but you get the gist of it. And HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THE SHOES:



WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?

I shudder even thinking about those shoes.

Ooh, and look at the strap lines across my ankles in that picture -- that's where the straps from bridesmaid ensemble #4 wore off the spray tan. Ha. But anyway, I think it's safe to say I've made great strides in footwear since 1997.



Dress #2 was worn for my oldest friend Tamara's wedding eight-ish years ago. It zipped when I tried it on but ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Internet...it wasn't pretty. Like REALLY not pretty. I was bummed about that but then I remembered that it looked like crap on me at the time and I looked like a freaking SAUSAGE in this icy lavender column dress with a chiffon train and butt-bow:



I wore two girdles to suck my shit into that one and since this time I was trying it on with my pajama pants still on, I think it's okay that it looked bad.

Poor Tamara though...we all looked bad in that dress and not because it was a bad dress (I mean, it wasn't an awesome dress, but I get what she was going for) but because nobody had it altered. It magically fit her sister really well but I was the fat and sausagey bridesmaid and her two other bridesmaids were stick-thin and they were swimmmmmmmmmmming in their dresses. Those pictures are fantastic. And by "fantastic" I mean "HORRIFYING." So horrifying, in fact, that even if I had electronic versions of them, I wouldn't share them with you Internet.

OMG AND THE SHOES!!!!!!!!!!



I don't remember them being this horrible and chunky but maaaaaaan. I'd GUFFAW if you suggested I wear those those today.

Dress #3 was for Christa's wedding three years ago:



It was the highest quality dress of them all and despite the complaints that it was unflattering on everyone, I actually think it worked out well. I mean, it's not a dress I'd pick for myself, and it would have been better if it was shorter, but it's a freaking WEDDING and all things considered, this dress was pretty good.

That said, no dress is so good that I don't look stupid when I dance:



Dress #4 was worn a week ago today for my brother's wedding:



This dress had to be custom made for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is because Jessica McClintock is a hater and doesn't make fatty sizes. Despite the dressmaker making me feel like a fat tub-o-lard, it turned out well. It stretched out like crazy though so I was a mess by after-party time, but those pictures have since been BURNED.

BONUS PROM DRESS:

Back in the days of yesteryear I figured that since Lane Bryant didn't offer prom dresses, fatty prom dresses just didn't exist so I recruited my aunt, a former seamstress, to make my dress for me. I was a tenter back then so I picked a design that was big and dumpy and unflattering:



But don't worry, Internet...I didn't wear that to the prom. I tried it on and went OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and my mother promptly took me to the mall and I ended up with a much more flattering dress that I felt pretty in, even though I wouldn't be caught dead in it today.

Why keep all these bad dresses that I'll never wear again?

It's 100% for size comparisons. Like, even though I'm not feeling like my sassiest these days, dresses I wore at 17, 20, 24 and 29 still zip. That's a victory, yo.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

Both pairs of those purple shoes HURT MY EYES!

Brianna said...
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