Pretending I'm an Olympic marathon runner.

According to Weight Watchers' eTools, morbidly obese exercisers like me earn 10 activity points in a 40 minute step class. This has always seemed high to me, but step class isn't easy, so maybe it's true. On the other hand, I figure I only earn 5 activity points at boot camp, but I feel way more SPENT at boot camp than I do after step class, so I don't really know what's what.

Inspired by watching yesterday's Olympic coverage of the men's marathon, I decided to see how many activity points I could earn by, say, running a marathon. I searched for "running" and found a variety of choices, all specifying mile times. My 14 minute mile was not represented, but as soon as I eek my time down to a 9 minute mile, eTools can help me calculate my efforts. But since I'm an OLYMPIC MARATHON RUNNER in this scenario, I picked the 5.5 minute mile, which is still slower than the winner's pace (GO KENYA!) and entered in 126 minutes of activity (the winner's approximate time) and guess how many points he would get??

Go ahead, guess!

125?

74?

58?

LOWER.

33.

THIRTY-THREE MEASLY POINTS for running 5 miles an hour for over two hours?!?

That's crazy talk.

That's the equivalent of a fat person's WW points for the day (I specify "fat person" because my friend Big D gets something insane like 15 points because she's borderline too skinny for WW but I admire her for taking care of 5 pounds before they turn into 50...and I wish I could rewind back to 2nd grade and get rid of the first five pounds when I had the chance). I don't know how many calories are in 33 points, but I'd guess about 1800, which doesn't seem like enough ESPECIALLY considering the activity point calculator is assuming MY morbidly obese ass is the one running the marathon. I'm sure the 112 pound Kenyan winner would earn less than that.

Anyway. There you have it: My nutritional analysis of Olympic marathon running.

I was having an off day yesterday and instead of going out and painting the town red with the legions of people who invited me out last night (okay, legions = three), I decided to put on my elastic-waisted pants, order delivery, and watch the opening ceremony of the Olympics. I don't think I've ever settled in to watch it before and I'm really glad I did. I mean, yes, watching all these athletes makes me a little bit sad that I was sitting there eating 8,000 calories and really, I have no hope of ever becoming an Olympic athlete, but I can run a mile DAMN IT, and I'm proud of that.

So here are my overall observations:

1. HOLY CRAP THAT CHINA REALLY KNOWS HOW TO PUT ON A SHOW! I mean, GOOD GOD, it sure did look complicated and I can't figure out how ALL THOSE PEOPLE moved in sync. 2008 drummers allllllll moving in the exact same way at the exact same time? I was completely impressed by the drummers but really, the whole show was spectacular and I think that if I was there, it might have made me cry. Or at least given me goosebumps.



I don't know how you did it China, but hot damn, I'm impressed.

2. As a whole, the world's athlete population is very good looking.

3. The commentary during the parade of nations or whatever it is is like the Cliff's Notes of world politics. Like, oh hai, the only woman on Afghanistan's team disappeared before the team left for China. WHERE DID SHE GO? She's believed to be in Europe seeking asylum because of the death threats she received for being a lady athlete. And OH BY THE WAY, China isn't observing the political truce they're supposed to be honoring and they canceled Joey Cheek's visa because of his support for Darfur. And based on their responses when these teams entered the stadium, Chinese people love Iraq and hate Iran and the commentators were surprised that France got such a warm reception.

Politics, let me show you them.

And YOU KNOW I can't get away with a post about the Olympic opening ceremonies without commenting on the fash-uns, so here are the highlights (and forgive my not-even-getting-off-the-couch-to-snap-them camera phone pics...I couldn't find pictures elsewhere, so this is what you get...thank God for Tivo!):

Mali:



I'm kind of inclined to believe that people in Mali probably never wear woolen-looking scarves, particularly when it's 90 degrees with 90% humidity in China, but what do I know? Maybe that's cold for them? Plus, hardly any of the Olympic wardrobe designers seemed concerned with being seasonally appropriate, so it's not like Mali was the only group sweating their butts off.

Nigeria:



These were my favorite ensembles of all. They were crisp and hip-hugging in white with green sashes and they looked sharp against the athletes' skin. Plus, they all looked more animated than some of the other groups of athletes and were dancing and enjoying the moment. GO NIGERIA!

Hungary:



Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Hungary... I can pretty much just post the picture and leave you to draw your own conclusions, but I will say that when I was a kid we had a Hungarian neighbor and I remember thinking that she was alllllways a big explosion of patterns. Now that I see what Hungary selected for this event, I'm thinking that my Hungarian neighbor was actually just keeping it real, Hungarian style.

And this little kid? I want to pinch him:



Why? Because he was a survivor of the earthquake China suffered in May and he went back into the rubble to save a couple of his classmates. Why did he do that? Because he was one of the class leaders and it was his responsibility.

PINCH PINCH PINCH, I tell you.