I'm blaming the meloncholy on hormones.

I went to an all-hands meeting on Tuesday where the focus was kind of conflicted:

The company has BAJILLIONS of dollars in cash and t's a very safe place to be right now.

but also:

There is to be absolutley NO travel and NO catering and NO hiring.

And they just announced a mandatory furlough between Christmas and New Years. If I was eligible for vacation right now, that would be fine...but I think I might have to take it unpaid. TBD.

And then this whole time of me picking my nose all day long my boss has been all "Don't worry...we absolutely need you. Just be patient, keep yourself occupied...nobody has raised any questions about what you're doing. Don't stress."

And then yesterday my boss tells me that the days of this department operating at will and at any cost are over and that he wants to find a way for me to get involved sooner rather than later so nobody questions my value.

Crap.

And all this NPR-listening I've been doing lately makes me think that OMG THE SKY IS FALLING I WILL BE DESTITUTE AND WE'LL ALL BE FIGHTING FOR SPAM AND BROWN BANANAS!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I can keep my job, I will get great experience (eventually) and a great paycheck and everything will be okay.

If I lose my job, I don't know what to do. Jobs that can sustain my mortgage are difficult to get, as proven by the length of my retirement. I'm thinking that I might rent my place out, move in with my parents and maybe get a job in a different field. Or a low-level job in this field. I like what I do and I don't want to give up, but I've been treading water for MONTHS now and it's exhausting.

I want to find a rich husband. More than ever. He can go to work and do whatever it is he does and I'll supervise the cleaning lady, run his errands and cook his meals. I'm completely serious.

I still don't regret taking the severance and leaving PG&E and I'm still excited about whatever new things are coming my way, but the past few days have made me wish I was still there because it is familiar and comfortable and the people there were my family.

Nobody here knows that I'm awesome and I haven't had the opportuntiy to show them yet.

And I swear to you, whenever I see a blue PG&E truck, my heart jumps a little bit.