Why so srs?

It's no surprise that I've been thinking about moving back to San Jose. There are two big draws:

1. BABY! He doesn't currrrrrently live in San Jose, but Grandma and Grandpa live in San Jose and they have a lot of pull when it comes to getting quality baby time, so the closer I am to them, the closer I can be to him.

2. I work in San Jose and the commute is a bitch. An expensive, expensive bitch. Plus, driving 100 miles a day, five days a week means that I've put 18,000 miles on my new car and it's only nine months old.

Of course, I own my apartment in San Francisco, this isn't a good time to sell and even if I could sell and make money on it, I'm afraid to sell it because I'd never get another mortgage, what with the whole "no longer giving mortgages to people who can't afford them" thing.

So there's that.

But I could rent it out and more than cover my rent in San Jose.

Except that then I sit back and I think about the hole I dug for myself when I was unemployed for the better part of 2008 and how I'm never going to get out of it if I'm still spending all this money every month trying to keep living in San Francisco and working in San Jose.

And then the delicate balance of my current situation is only something I can maintain, however painfully, if I continue to have a job. THIS job, specifically. Or, not THIS job, but a job in this salary range which, I'm afraid, I might be underqualified to find again if I had to.

I am ONE MILLION PERCENT lucky that my parents have been as supportive as they have and that, if I wanted to, I could stay in San Francisco and just hope for the best and if all else fails, I know they'd have my back. My too-old-for-Mommy-and-Daddy's-help back, but they'd have it nonetheless.

But then I wonder if maybe my newly heightened fear of losing my job is a warning sign and that I should take this opportunity to get my ducks in a row when I don't HAVE to, but when it's still an optional thing. If I don't do it, I'm afraid I'll look back in a year and wish that I could go back to the summer of 2009 and do things differently.

One of my resolutions for 2009 was to move back to San Jose. I was SO OVER San Francisco. But now when I look back on that I know this decision was made when I was coming out of the Great Funk of 2008 and now, several months later, I don't really want to go. All I can think about is how DUMB it is for a single person to move to San Jose ON PURPOSE and how I'll never have delicious brunch EVER AGAIN. I love San Jose and if I ever have a family, I'll want to do it there...but now? Ehhhh.

BUT THEN when I house sat for Ben and Sarah for several days this past spring, I fell back in love with the idea of suburban life. Everything seemed so easy! Look at that! A life free of elevators and parking garages and choosing between open windows or hearing the TV! Luxury!

So I don't know.

Then yesterday my friend Leslie asked me if I was still planning to move because her friend is looking for a place in my neighborhood. I told her that I was waiting for something specific to get me to get up off my ass and do it and I don't know if this exact potential renter will want my place, but it did get me thinking.

Maybe I should rent my place out and move in with my parents for several months so I can pocket the rent and get my shit together and then, as a result, feel better about myself and feel less trapped by my financial neeeeeed to keep climbing the corporate ladder?

I spent about a year with my parents right before I bought my apartment and I really never thought I'd consider it as an option again, but have you noticed? Things are sucky right now. While there is some shame in this option, there would be more shame in losing my job again and having to ask my parents for a mortgage payment.

I'm all for tightening my belt as we alllllll ride out the current economic fiasco but my belt has felt really tight for three years now and it hurrrrrrts. The trade off will be that I'd be 33 and living with MY PARENTS. My parents are great, but maaaaan, I'm sitting here wondering why I thought it was okay to kill time at Bloomingdale's when I was UNEMPLOYED.

But daaaaamn, I looked good.

I looked around my apartment last night and thought about how pretty it is and how much I love it and how, if I moved back in with my parents I'd be living with the ironing board and a strange bamboo curtain that my dad must have found in a dumpster somewhere and decided that he'd not only use it as a closet door in the guest room but, WHY NOT just hang that extra six inches of bamboo curtain on the wall and pretend it's art??!!

I'll be sad to leave my beautiful apartment and my beautiful things for the Tiki/Victorian-themed guest room but when I think about all the money I'll save it makes me want to roll around in $100 bills.

I'm house sitting for Ben and Sarah again this weekend and I'm hoping that I'll get bitten by the suburban bug again and if I do, I'm gonna start packing things up. I'm also hoping that when I finally make the decision to do it, I'll feel the same relief I felt the first time I decided to move back home.

My budget spreadsheet is currently titled "Poor." Maybe one day I can change it to "Okay."

Ohhhhh, the anticipation of the spreadsheet renaming!!!

Eye Boogers

I think I'm going to break up with my carpoolers. It's *not* a time saver and I knew that, but with gas at $4.75 a gallon, I was willing to deal with it. Now that gas is $1.75 a gallon, I'm far less motivated to carpool. The roads are congested because everyone else is thinking the same thing, but I don't care. I am one of the most irritable people on the planet and if I thought I'd magically find carpoolers who didn't bug the shit out of me, I was crazy.

And to be fair, it's really only #2 who bugs me. #1 has his moments too (they're both entirelly too hyper-focused on finding the absolute best possible route that might possssibly shave four minutes off our drive time), but he's fine. Unfortunately, he's also going on vacation for three weeks and I already told him that I'd KILL KILL KILL #2 if I had to be alone with him for three weeks, but #1 was oblivious to the high irritation factor that #2 introduces into the equation.

But yesterday, driving alone with #2, I reached my nitpicky limit. I noticed that he's always cleaning the sleep out of the corners of his eyes. Okay, not ALWAYS, but once or twice per drive. He'll take his glasses off, stick his finger in his eye, inspect what comes out, brush it off his finger and put his glasses back on. In my opinion, this is not something you do around people who are not your intimates, but I know, I know...I'm picky. I should say that it's not something *I* would do around people who are not my intimates and even then, I'd probably go warsh my hands just out of courtesy to others.

So it's gross and all but the thing that pushed me over the edge?

I made myself some tea for the drive home so I wouldn't be all grunty and annoying with my scratchy throat and it was in the cup holder between our two seats.

HE BRUSHED HIS EYE BOOGERS OFF HIS FINGERS RIGHT OVER MY TEA.

G-R-O-S-S.

So I couldn't have my tea and I was mad and grossed out and resolved to antibacterial wipe everything in my car that he might have touched and then never drive with his ass again.

And God help the junkie at my gas station who always offers to squeegee my windows and who I always refuse, because when I stopped to get gas I was preoccupied with entering my PIN and I turned around and he was pushing dirty water all over my otherwise perfectly clean windshield. If I wasn't so pissy about eye boogers in my tea I might have been nicer about it but my instant reaction was to shout NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO to him.

But seriously, that's annoying. He didn't ask, he just did. Not asseptable.

And yes, if you're keeping track, I am nitpicky, irritable and bitchy to people who are possibly homeless.

I didn't die on the way to work this morning.

My new carpool buddy is more desirable than I would have guessed. Not "desirable" in the sexy sexy baby baby way, but "desirable" meaning "completely acceptable carpool buddy."

His name is Nir, he's 20-something and he's attractive and he doesn't smell and he covers his mouth when he yawns and he lives 5 minutes from me and his office is 5 minutes from my office. All lovely qualities to have when I will spend more time with him each week than I will any other single person.

And the thing about carpooling is that I guess the etiquette is to listen to news or something completely non-offensive but I don't even know what those stations are. I'd have to look them up. But the gay dance mix station? That one I know.

So he said that he usually listens to NPR and SERIOUSLY, what is up with all the young people listening to NPR these days? I tried listening to NPR back when I had sattelite radio and I only lasted like 10 minutes because they were talking about war in a country I'd never even heard of. And really, the only reason I even gave it a shot was because I felt peer pressure. Peer pressure to be nerdy, I guess.

We discussed that we were totally fine with the rider sleeping or putting in his or her headphones or whatever (because seriously, do YOU want to have to make small talk for two hours a day? NO) and after having a polite "What do you do, where'd you grow up, how long have you lived in the city" conversation, he busted out his headphones and listened to EVANESCENCE and I listened to the local morning radio show. I never would have pegged him for an Evanescence fan, but there was no mistaking the lady power ballad coming from his earphones.

So now my perfectly lovely and not at all murderer-looking carpool buddy who I found on the internet is at work, I'm safe and sound and I'll pick him up at 5:30 for the ride home.

YES, seriously!

So I have this new job, right? It's 50+ miles from home and the traffic sucks and gas prices may have fallen but until they fall to 1990 prices and I can fill my tank for $15, they're eating up my disposable income like we're at a money buffet. But hey, the internet is a great place and you can sign up for a carpool matching service and after a few clicks and this and that, BADA BING! I found a list of matches.

"Matches" is kind of a loose term though because while technically, I may live within 4 miles of everyone in San Francisco, that does not mean that I'm interested in hauling my cookies to the Outer Sunset or North Beach or whatever to pick these people up. But I did find one who lives a mile or so from me in a direction that is not technically in the direction of the freeway, but is still easily accessible and he works a mile or so from me so I e-mailed him and it seemed like a match made in Heaven -- he already has one carpooler who lives near him and who works near him but they were looking for a third. They both have very flexible schedules and they've been working things out on a day by day basis. Want to go home early today? Sure! Awesome!

So all that is great. I warn him that dude, I drive a Jetta so whoever gets stuck in the backseat might not be up for a comfy ride. He replies and says OH HAI NO PROBLEM, I DRIVE A TWO-DOOR HATCHBACK and that my Jetta is probably bigger than his car.

And you see, the way it works is that we trade off driving. And really, I'd rather not drive at all because my car has seen better days and I spent half my commute wondering if that rattle is supposed to be there or if I'm about to stall out in the middle of the freeway during rush hour.

So this backseat of a two-door hatchback thing? For two hours a day? It's a deal breaker.

I e-mailed him and said that I was going to pass because I didn't think I was up for the back seat of a two-door, but good luck and blah blah blah.

He wrote back and was all "Seriously???"

And I just don't get it. YES, seriously!

How many adults out there actually want to sit in the backseat of a freaking HATCHBACK for two hours every day?? Not me!

Except that now I can't decide if this is an unreasonable request because I've lived my whole life in a fat suit and maybe I just don't know what normal is?

Or maybe it's that he's a 20-something European-of-some-variety male and he doesn't get that a lady all dressed up for work probably doesn't want to pack into the back seat and bag out her pants because she had her knees up to her chest for the 50 mile drive or flash the world when she climbs over the front seat's seat belt while wearing a skirt?

Or maybe it's our two extremes meeting in the middle...I dunno. But YES, SERIOUSLY.