Midwestern Adventure: Iowa

Ohhhhh, Iowa.

So pretty.

So friendly.

So small town adorable.


Sarah's dad's farm is like the Bermuda Triangle though. I had to drive myself out there like three or four times and I swear to you, I got lost coming and going EVERY DAMN TIME and now her dad and brother probably think I should wear a helmet or something. But really, it's Google's fault. I could provide all you stalkers with Google directions to their house and you'd NEVER find it. And really, you'd probably never find your way back to your own house either because you wouldn't ever be able to get cell reception so you could call someone for directions.

But yeah...the farm is freaking gorgeous. If my whole family moved there, I would follow.

When I got there the night of the favor-making the guys were making a fire pit in preparation for the rehearsal dinner but unfortunately, it ended up pouring with rain and we had to hide in the garage and THE BARN. (And Shannon is totally going to read this and think that I'm a city girl for thinking that a party in a barn is exciting!)

But you know what happens when it rains in the midwest?

LIGHTENING!

LOTS OF IT!

And if you didn't know anyone there, you'd have been able to pick out the Californians from the Iowans because we were all "OMG LIGHTENING! LOOK! OMG ANOTHER ONE! OMG!"

Except you know what else happens when it rains in the midwest?

I MELT.

Make-up, schmake-up.

It was crazy humid and I couldn't hide over the A/C vent in the bathroom all night long, so I had to suck it up and be okay with the fact that I was going to look sweaty and rained-on in all the pictures. But really, the fact that my boobs were about ready to fall out of my dress all night long gave me something more pressing to worry about and in the end, the wet hair/"dewy" face look translated into really cute pictures:



And even though it was starting to get dark, it was PHOTO SHOOT TIME!

CORN!



Where's Waldo?



A TRACTOR!



Big Andrew and his girlfriend Tammy are also tractor fans:



My time in Iowa also involved a powerball lottery ticket purchase. And a sobbing fit in the Sunday school room at the church. And in the church lobby. And in the church bathroom. And in the church pews. And, while I was at it, on the altar during the wedding.

What's prettier than a sobbing bridesmaid? A sobbing bridesmaid with holiday hams.

But I digress.

Iowa was wonderful. And I really, actually, truly mean that.

Mid-Western Adventure: South Dakota

OH MAH GAH it's been over two months and I'm ONLY JUST NOW getting around to recapping the last two states I visited during my mid-western bonanza! Unfortunately, the HI-LARITY has kinda escaped my brain so I think this is pretty much just going to be a picture post, but you never know...maybe the details will come flooding back to me.

So: South Dakota: Officially checked off my list.

Ninny and I were supposed to drive to Sioux Falls, SD on Tuesday afternoon but SOMEBODY missed her flight and instead of getting in at like 2PM, she wasn't going to get in until 11PM and night driving isn't fun when you actually want to see what you're driving through so I stopped in the middle of a bunch of corn in Nebraska and rearranged our lodging and BADA BING, it was all okay.

Plus, I should mention that this was the day I was wrestling with my post-whiskey-bonanza situation and that I was on rural roads the whole time and there aren't as many (any) bathrooms as you'd think and I was afraid I'd have to fertilize some corn except that the SWEET, SWEET vision of neon that was an Applebee's out in the freaking middle of NOWHERE was my saving grace. But that was Nebraska, not South Dakota. I'm backtracking.

Ooh, and one more birdwalk: Ben and Sarah had to get to Iowa early because they had to get their marriage license 72 hours before the wedding (so that Ben didn't kidnap the farmer's daughter out from under their noses, I think) and Ninny missing her flight actually worked out for the best because instead of heading for Sioux Falls, I went to Sarah's dad's farm in Iowa and helped Sarah, Ben and Sarah's brother Evan assemble wedding favors while Sarah's dad made us spaghetti.

The farm was a challenge to get to, but holy crap you guys...it was gorgeous. And the quality time with the in-laws was something I wouldn't have had if my day had gone as planned so I was really thankful that things worked out the way they did.

Back to South Dakota:

The ultimate goal for SD was the Corn Palace, but my extensive internet research indicated that there was a great and beautiful water fall in Sioux Falls. With an observation tower! And a gift shop! And views for miles!

Except that Sioux Falls, SD is not the quaint little town their tourism site would have you believe. It's kind of a hole.

And the falls themselves?

Windy and lackluster.

But maybe that's because my past trips to places like Yosemite and Niagara Falls ruined me, I dunno. But realllly, I think that the industrial backdrop of the falls was poor planning:



Proof that my hair and I were there:



Proof that Ninny and her hair were also there:



Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

ONWARD!

About an hour or so west was the Corn Palace:



I was surprised that there were so many tourists hanging around because all it really is is a building decorated with corn. There's some sort of basketball court inside and I think they sometimes have concerts there and the only reason I even knew it existed was because the kids on the first season of Road Rules went there.

There I am!



But it looks kinda conflicted, don't you think? Is it 2008 or 2009? OMG IDENTITY CRISIS!!!!!!!!!!! But actually, they were redecorating while we were there:



Size 11 corn:



I'm not about to go googling swastikas at work (apparently, blogging at work isn't a problem for me), but they had pictures of all the old themes and this one must raise a lot of eyebrows because it was the only one with an explanatory sign:





And then I bought a floatie pen and a couple of beer koozies, we had lunch and we zipped back to Omaha juuuuuuuuuuuust time time for me to drop Ninny off and then make my spray tan appointment. Very important agenda items, you know.

Midwestern Adventure: Nebraska!

I don't have a wholllllllllle lot to say about Nebraska because:

1. I was hungover for the "driving through Nebraksa" portion of my journey.

2. I'm going to save the wedding reception pictures (which did take place in Nebraska) for the wedding recap post that I'll get to in, you know, six months or so.

3. I took the back back back back roads, which were beautiful, but didn't have much to offer in terms of bathrooms and I was nervous that I was going to get a case of whiskey ass so I couldn't dilly dally.

4. I was P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F because I was supposed to pick my aunt up in Omaha that afternoon and we were supposed to drive to Sioux Falls, SD that evening so that we had time to dawdle back from the Corn Palace the next day so that I could make my spray tanning appointment. So blah blah blah, the schedule was specific. What I did not factor into the schedule was that she would MISS HER FLIGHT.

I'm over it now, but that day I was SO TOTALLY PISSED because I was afraid my plans were going to be ruined and DAGNABBIT I wanted to see everything on my list. It took me a good three or four hours before the steam stopped coming out of my ears, even though I kept trying to shake it off and not let the change of plans make me miss out on Nebraksa. It actually ended up working out for the best so it's all good in the hood.

So anyway...not many pictures of Nebraska, but it sure was beautiful. They have historical markers everywhere and I kept stopping and reading them and none of them were all that thrilling -- mostly just stuff about how this land used to be the homestead of so-and-so and s/he wrote a book about it all called [Insert Something Pioneer-Sounding Here].

But look, children of the 80's!! Look where I was!



If there was a river I would have hired an Indian to help me across, but there wasn't a river or any buffalo to shoot with my arrow buttons and space bar and I did not die of dysentery. But I did get all geigh over how loud the trees were and I thought about whether it sounded the same to the people from the olden days:



Seriously, the sound of the trees and the corn and all the nothing was SO AWESOME. Listening to that damn tree was one of the few moments I really wished I'd had someone with me because it was like I'd stepped into Sarah Plain and Tall or something. Except I'm not even sure that took place in the midwest, but I'm sure you know what I'm getting at: It was old-timey and GORGEOUS.

Other than the wedding-related festivities that were to take place in Omaha, the only Nebraskan item on my agenda was a visit to Lawrence, NE. That's the town where the family from my favorite documentary ever, The Farmer's Wife, was from.

For years and years and years I've been wanting to get out there and just have a look around that town, but in a totally non-stalkery way, I swear. So I went and it was one of the nicer small, BFE towns I visited that week...nicer than it looked on TV. I had planned to have lunch in the local restaurant/bar but I was earlier than expected and after my big night in Cawker City, the thought of eating in a smoke-filled bar grossed me out. I didn't even get out of the car, which I half regret, but there really wasn't much of anything to see until I got to the east (?) side of town and saw, you know, a TANK:



It seemed awfully out of place and it was clearly a memorial for something, but I had whiskey ass to contend with so I kept on keeping on and didn't get out to investigate whatever it was memorializing:



I know you all think I'm a nutter for being so excited about CORN, but hangover or not, I did stop to take a picture of my fat face and the CORN:



That particular spot was the first good cell service I'd had in hours so I was parked alongside the road for a good 30 minutes while I checked my e-mail and made some calls and probably also alarmed the locals.

The interstate:



80 sure does look different out there than it does here, dontcha think??

I eventually made it to Omaha and thanks to my awesome pre-trip research, I knew that the World's Largest Ball of Stamps was in a section of Omaha called Boy's Town. I hadn't planned on making the stamps a priority, but I had time to kill before I could check into the hotel and I saw a sign for Boy's Town so I followed it and VIOLA:





They had these big bowls of canceled stamps that you could buy for a penny each, but I just liked sticking my hand into the stamps. I don't know why. Put a big bowl of anything in front of me and I want to fondle it.



The excitement on my face was probably less for the stamps and more for the lovely bathroom facilities at the stamp place:



And finally, there seemed to be a lot of these O! things around town, which I'm assuming stands for Omaha and not for Oprah:



The end. Until I get to Iowa, anyway.

Midwestern Adventure, Day Three: Kansas!

I wish I had a witness to the insanity that was Kansas, but this was a solo road trip so whatever I tell you in this post, just assume that it's 100 times MORE bizarre, okay? Because really, Kansas was a T-R-I-P.

First of all, Kansas's landscape couldn't compare to Missouri and Oklahoma. It was pretty dull, but WHOA BESSIE the sky was awesome:



Most of you know that the big attraction for me in Kansas was the World's Largest Ball of Twine, right? When my brother first announced that he was getting married in Iowa I immediately Googled all the road trip worthy things in that neck of the woods and I didn't come up with much, but the Ball-o-Twine somehow became the big ticket item.

My road trip philosophy is this: Pick something random and off-the-beaten-track and go there. Hilarity will ensue. The caveat: Don't stay in craphole motels because they rain on your parade and you might get bed bugs. For reals.

So my whole trip was me aiming for a bunch of random spots, but with 4-star lodging carefully integrated into my travel plan. The trouble with the twine was that it's in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE:


View Larger Map

This is great for my sense of adventure, but it SUCKS for the "not into craphole motels" side of me. I ended up finding a list of B&Bs in the area and while I'm also not into the whole B&B thing, I figured that was better than the Super 8. One of them, The World's Largest Ball of Twine Bed Without the Breakfast (seriously), touted itself as a one unit cottage adjacent to the ball of twine and at the low, low price of $30 (payable in cash that I was to leave on the table!) and I figured that okay, I'd roll the dice and hope that it was as homey as the woman who owned it said it was.

And, um, I guess it was:





Cute, right?

But here's the inside:









Overall, I'd say it was kinda dismal. And I'm annoyed that I can't find the picture I took, but there was a big sign on the fridge alerting people to the fact that GAME CLEANING IS NOT ALLOWED. Because you know how dirty Monopoly can get and all.

It wasn't even 8PM when I arrived and I had a few hours to kill before I'd be able to fall asleep so I got the bright idea to go across the street to the bar (because the restaurant was closed on Mondays and the town was all of six blocks long so I was hard pressed for other things to do) and have some dinner and a couple of drinks so I had the chance of actually falling asleep.

So I went to the bar, as seen here the next morning without all the pickup trucks out front:



I have a lot of nerve but boy howdy, I really had to talk myself into opening the door because "walking into a rural Kansas bar by myself" is not high on the list of safe things to do. There were about ten men, one KID and two women inside. I pretended they didn't allllllll turn around to stare at me when I walked in and I went right up to the bar, sat down and ordered a sandwich and a Jack & Diet.

That Jack & Diet eventually turned into SEVERAL Jack & Diets (though I suspect that they were heavily watered down) and a few shots of peppermint schnapps with the men at the bar. It was bizarre and surreal and when I told my brother the story of it all the next day he was like "THIS IS HOW WOMEN END UP AS MURDER MYSTERIES ON A&E!" True, but my homies at The Corner Bar & Grill were lovely.

Mostly.

Here's my overall'd friend Leigh:



So this guy Leigh (he spells his name the girl way) spent the first half of the night totallllllllllllly hitting on me and the second half of the night pretending he didn't know me.

Why?

Because his girlfriend showed up to lay claim to her man.

Guess why she was there?

Because even though *I* couldn't get a cell signal, the whole rest of the bar had been texting people telling them that there was a pretty new girl at the bar (awl, thanks guys) and word got out that Leigh was hitting on me and she came to make sure I kept my new girl hands off her man. I didn't know any of this until they told me about it later in the night but they all thought it was HILARIOUS that he was 100% trying to romance me one minute and the next he was telling her that he hadn't even spoken to me. I mean, he had a ZERO percent chance, but it was pretty funny, particularly since my bff Toni and the lady bartender Teresa HATED her and I had accidentally caused a Jets vs Sharks standoff that they said the town will be talking about for weeks. Alls I know is that she was old, trashy and REEKED of fabric softener. Like she washed her hair in it or something.

Other highlights from The Corner Bar & Grill:

They launched a toothpick and a straw into the ceiling in my honor. I don't know why this is so exciting, but they made several attempts until one stuck and then I had to climb on the barstool and sign the ceiling:





Notice the kid in background of the toothpick-launching picture? He was eleven. It was 11PM and he had repeatedly asked his dad to take him home but his dad (a Gary Busey look-alike) was HAMMMMMMMERED. I was like "OMG IS HE GOING TO DRIVE??" and they were all like "No, duh...his kid is." That would be his ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD-KID.

OMG.

He was a sweet kid. The dad was sweet too, but maaaaaaan, he was drunk.

Here I am with my Cawker City bff Toni:



There was dancing:



And shenanigans:



And drunken confessions that they thought I was going to be a bitch when I walked in, but that I was welcome back at the Corner Bar & Grill any time. It's unlikely that I'll EVER EVER EVER return, but they gave me a bunch of tsoskes and they were SO MUCH FUN and I apparently gave Toni my phone number because she has texted me several times since I left.

Other fun facts:

1. You can rent a three bedroom apartment in Cawker City, KS for $141.00 a month!

2. Toni's car starts via light switch:



3. My whole tab for the night was $21. V-A-L-U-E.

I don't know what time I finally hit the hay at the Ball of Twine Inn, but it was late enough that I didn't care that it was depressing and when I woke up around 7AM to use the bathroom I decided that I was too sober to sleep in that bed anymore so I washed the bar smell out of my hair and hightailed it out of there.

I was tempted to just skip town without taking any pictures of the twine but HANGOVER BE DAMNED, I had come all this way...so I added the length of twine left for me by the innkeeper, took some pictures, and headed out of town in search of coffee.



I missed the Twine-a-Thon by just a few weeks:



I signed the log:



I tried looking peppy:



This one is a shout out to my dad:



The thing I don't get is why the ball of twine was SUCH an attraction. I mean, I know *I* was there, but I'm weird. And seriously, it was IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. As in NOWHERE. It's something you have to go way out of your way to see, but the log had entries almost every day and the inn left me some pretty expensive looking marketing collateral and there's a yellow line of "twine" painted all down the main (only) drag and the storefronts are all empty except for twine-related art:





As weird as it was and as happy as I was to leave, I will always have fond memories of Cawker City, KS.

From there I moved on and drove through miles and miles and miles and miles of whatever this is (wheat?):



Amber waves of grain!

So miles and miles and miles of crops later, I arrived here:



If I had cell service I would have called someone and told them to bust out a map and look at the VERY MIDDLE of the lower 48 states because I was standing there RIGHT THAT VERY MOMENT!



There's not much to see out there so I snapped a few pictures, took a few minutes to listen to the cicadas and then headed out of Kansas: