Still waiting to win the lottery or marry well...

Elizabeth - Thanks for this. Appreciate your follow-up here.

Do Pete and Bob have visibility to this? Want to be sure all is in alignment from a comms perspective.

Thanks much!

This is the kind of e-mail I get all day long that makes me want to reach through my computer and choke the sender.

Visibility
Alignment
Thanks much
Lack of the word "I"

If she had thrown in a "reach out" or "ping" or "engagement model" I for sure would have thrown my computer through the window.

I went to my high school reunion and lived to talk about it.

This is copy pasta from the reunion blog but I wrote it so whatever.

I'm speaking for myself here but:

1. I'll take it a step beyond "less painful than expected" and say that it was actually 100 times better than I'd hoped. The best part is that I don't even think that's just in my own head -- I think the "I really wasn't expecting this to be as great as it was but I am SO GLAD I went!" sentiment is shared by many.

2. Everyone looked REALLY GOOD. Like polished, grown-up versions of their teenage selves.

3. Being in a room with all these familiar faces seemed soooo normal but also soooo surreal.

4. Maybe the people with the funny looking kids skipped the picnic but let me tell you: Lincoln grads make some adorable kids.

5. There was a bachelorette party being held at the same restaurant on Saturday night but we put them to shame. Granted, it looked like the most boring bachelorette party in history, but really, we had a great time.

The bottom line:

I'm glad we didn't have a 5 or 10 year reunion. I'm glad we waited until we all had the easy confidence of being in our thirties and that it was less of a "let me show you how great I'm doing" display and more of a "I'm doing well, I'm happy in my skin, I'm happy to be here and I'm genuinely happy to see you" kind of weekend.

And just for posterity, allow me to remind you of the before:



And the after, thank God:



Go Lions.

And speaking of hot dentists...

Nick Lachey is a dentist??



This one is cute and all but A) he's a pediatric dentist and B) while I don't take my dental care very seriously, I would prefer that my dentist not wear a rabbit hat:



This is half-assed, I know, but I want to close those windows and get on with my work and I couldn't close them without sharing.

Ooh, and I should say that in the rabbit guy's defense, his name is Rabbitz or something...which I guess is way better than a Dr. Johnson wearing a wiener hat.

I take my dental care very seriously.

1. I had this picture of my mom and Baby as my desktop on my work computer for like ten minutes but I had to remove it because I kept stopping what I was doing so I could go back and look at it and then I'd get all teary because HE IS SO WONDERFUL.



2. My 15th high school reunion is on Saturday. Cue the teenage angst flashbacks. At least I've learned the value of eyebrow maintenance since then.

3. I forgot to put on deodorant today. I've never been a stank-master or anything so I'm sure I'll be fine, but I can't help but sneak whiffs JUST IN CASE. Let's all cross our fingers that nobody catches me.

4. I just made plans to go to bottomless mimosa brunch with my friends John and Tony. John was like "I hope I get to read about myself on your blog again" and I was like "Lady, if bottomless mimosas are involved, YOU CAN COUNT ON IT!"

4a. Hiiiiiiiiii, John!

So look for a bottomless mimosa related update sometime after July 19th.

5. I am losing my part time job, which is a bummer because I liked working for the site, but they needed me to be available overnight and for more hours per week that I was comfortable with so we're parting ways at the end of this month. Mama's got a mortgage to pay and I can't monkey around with my ability to meet my day job obligations.

The silver lining is twofold:

A. I am now available for bottomless mimosa brunches.

B. I am now available for almost unlimited baby squeezing.

6. Two facts:

A. I love my dentist.

B. I have crappy insurance and my out-of-pocket for my cleaning/exam will be $110.

This means that until I get a new gig with less-retarded insurance, I have to find a new dentist. This is shocking, especially if you're familiar with how much I love Dr. Dan. I've been seeing him since I was like 19 or 20 so this is a SERIOUS breakup. Sniff, sniff.

This ALSO means that because my teeth are fine and have always been fine and I won't need any serious dental techniques performed on my mouth, I will be selecting my next dentist based on looks.

Hottie dentists of the world, HERE I COME!

Baby

I'm an aunt.

I have a nephew.

I surprised myself with how little I cried when he was born. I thought I'd be a waterworks, for sure. It's only today, Baby's third day of life, that I find myself overwhelmed with love for this little baby and I'm just so grateful that he's here and that he's a part of our family.

I didn't not feel these things before, but it all just seemed so unreal...so fictitious...and now, after spending time alone with Andrew and Laurina and Baby last night and watching Andrew talk to him and take his shirt off in an effort to wake him up enough to eat and looking at his tiny, vulnerable body and not just an adorable little face peeking out from a blanket, I realized how much I love him and how much I want to protect him and how he's the beginning of the next generation and how he is me, 32 years ago.

I don't know how else to put it so I'll just say it again: I'm overwhelmed with love for this little baby and I'm so grateful that he's ours.

Douchebags and Hipsters

I was the lone hipster at an outdoor douchebag convention.

*I* wasn't. Some guy on Craigslist Missed Connections was.

I was at said douchebag convention, but I don't qualify as a hipster for any number of reasons. The Talbots skirt I'm wearing today, for example. You'd think the Talbots skirt (complete with with white eyelet trim) would mean that I was one of the douchebags, and that may hav been true ten years ago, but now I'm Team OH MY GOD GET ME AWAY FROM THE KIDS IN THE BEER GARDEN!

I'm mature and shit now, duh.

My pal Walkera and I decided to check out the Union Street Festival on Saturday afternoon. It was a beautiful day, we had time on our hands, so why not? Except that ohhhhhhhhhh dear...Mr. Lone Hipster wasn't kidding...it really was a douchebag convention.

Sometimes I'm like "The Marina gets a bad wrap...it can't be THAT bad" and then I go to the Marina and I'm reminded that YES, IT IS that bad. It was a bonanza of drunk chicks in maxi dresses and drunk men in popped collars.

We spent the whole time going "Maaaan...how do they tell each other apart? They all look exactly the same to me!"

But back to the Missed Connection:

The thing that caught my attention was the hipster part. I reguarly roll my eyes at the hipsters in the Mission drinking their coffee and wearing their ironic t-shirts and eating escargot out of taco trucks, but I think the douchebaggery is increased tenfold when you SELF-IDENTIFY as a hipster.

Blah blah blah.

This is the third entry I've started today and I'm determined to actually click publish so pretend there's a profound or witty wrap-up here.

I'm hot but I can't take off my jacket because the shirt I'm wearing underneath is unflattering, I want a Diet Dr Pepper but I have to go to Weight Watchers in less than two hours and I don't want the unnecessary 12 ounces, I've been here since 7AM and I'm READY TO LEAVE.

So in about 11 minutes I'm going to be in my car, headed to Santa Clara to give my SIL my opinion on the fabric she bought for her new valances, which is 1,000 times better than sitting here and waiting for it to be WW time.

I'M GONNA CLICK PUBLISH! WITHOUT EVEN CHECKING MY SPELLING! OMG!

Spark Science: Still hits my funny bone after all these years!

Does anyone remember Spark Science?

I used to keep up with thespark.com back in the olden days but they're defunct now -- the guys sold the site and all the stuff on it to Barnes & Noble who, I'm sad to say, wiped it clean and all the magic of Spark Science was gone.

I've searched for some of the classics before and wasn't ever able to come up with anything so I cried little tears but I knew that I'd keep the Stinky Feet in my heart for years to come.

THEN LAST WEEKEND I was watching Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist and there was a concert scene and I did a double-take because the band was Bishop Allen! I've never really been into them but this is notable because Bishop Allen is made up of the guys behind the original Spark Science projects.

So that got me thinking about it all again and I re-Googled and YAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAY! Thanks to the magic of the internet, I present to you, Spark Science!!!

Stinky Meat

Stinky Feet

Stinky Meat II (my least favorite, but definitely part of the collection)

The Fat Project

Date My Sister

The sites aren't live or anything so some of the pictures are dead, but YAY for the Waybackmachine!

I want to tap my fingers on Laurina's belly and be all "OPEN OPEN OPEN!"

Not to be too kumbaya and "the miracle of life is a beautiful thing" on you all or anything, but I'm going to be an aunt ANY DAY NOW and in the last week or so I've started to get kinda gooby about the whole thing.

I've NEVER thought that pregnancy sounded like a good idea. It seems barbaric that we would grow new humans INSIDE OTHER HUMANS and then brutally shove them out, ripping and stretching everything along the way. I mean, that's how ANIMALS do it. How CAVEMEN did it. I, in the 21st century, should be able to order a baby from a laboratory or something and have it delivered and all these women who choose to actually get PREGNANT in order to have a baby must be hippies who revel in the beauty of nature.

AND I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

I'm not saying I don't think babies are exciting because they TOTALLY are and I love holding them and pinching their cheeks and kissing their fat arms but the whole process involved with getting them here is undesirable. Maybe if I cared about having my own kids I'd feel differently but I absolutely do not get why someone would want to do that.

But then I heard that Laurina has started to dialate and for a moment I got all "OMG her body is staring to prepare for the birth of my brother's child and OMG THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL." And I'll admit that I got a little teary. DAMN THAT BABY for turning me into a wuss.

This wasn't the original point of this post (It was going to be "It's a trip that in a few days this person will show up and be the center of my whole family's universe and we'll love him/her more than anything but right now? Today? This person doesn't even exist yet. That's weird.") but I've lost my will to keep going because all I can think about is how Joanie will be here in an hour to pick me up for lunch and how eating a 5AM breakfast was stupid because now I'm STARVING.

But I will say this: I've lived nearly 33 years without being an aunt and I'm pretty sure that one day I'll look back and think that I can't imagine life without Baby and that's pretty hard to wrap my head around. And one day, when I'm 67, I'll have lived longer WITH Baby than without Baby and my life without Baby will seem like it was so long ago.

OBESE SAUSAGE BACON BRIDESMAID LOVER: My new favorite YOUR MOM type insult.

There's a direct correlation between my workload at, um, WORK and the frequency with which I blog. Therefore, the sorry state of my blog lately = WHOA, WORK!

I have stuff I need to blog about but I don't just want to be all "OMG CK CAME TO VISIT AND WE ATE HAPPY MEAL PIZZA AND OYSTERS AND WE WERE OVER-SERVED AT THE DRAG QUEEN BAR THE END" so I'm putting all that off for another day.

What I *will* take a moment to share with you is a list of things people were searching for when they found my blog. I don't really care how many hits I get or which IP addresses they came from but HOLY HECK the search referral tool is a kick in the pants.

There are three main themes:

1. People searching for something along the lines of "elizabeth loves bacon blog," which I assume is people who have neglected to bookmark or add me to their blog readers, but who are still DYING to catch up on the blah blah blah.

Thank you searchers, I'm genuinely flattered, but these benign searches aren't making me do any double takes.

2. People searching for bridesmaid dresses for fatties. And paraplegics. For example:

dresses for obese bridesmaids

obese bridesmaid dresses

paraplegic bridesmaid

bridesmaid dresses for fat arms

It's kinda surprising how often the word obese is mentioned.

But then there's also the opposite:

stick thin bridesmaid

I don't think that person found what s/he was looking for, but they were probably treated to a bridesmaid fashion show anyway. The paraplegic searcher was likely disappointed to see that really I was just making fun of a stupid country song.

3. People searching for answers to an assortment of eye booger questions:

avoid annoying eye boogers

eye booger in baby eye

picture of baby eye boogers

Little did I know my post about breaking up with my carpool guy because he put his eye boogers in my tea would lead to so much eye booger traffic!! I don't know anything about BABY eye boogers though.

BUT THEN there are the uncategorized searches:

battleaxe couples cell phone strap

stupid maryland crab tattoo

obese sausage bacon bridesmaid lover

Who the heck knows where those came from but:

A) This sounds like it has the possibility of being dirty. Kinda like when my dad went eBaying for "leather straps."

B) I'd agree that Maryland crab tattoos are probably stupid.

C) WHAT'S IT TO YA?