Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Awesome Things:

1. Creamy Wild Rice and Mushroom Soup from the latest issue of Rachael Ray Magazine. I hate to use this word because RR is way over the top with it (and most of her stupid made up words), but it really is more of a stoup than a soup:

The recipe serves six, but I used the WW recipe calculator to figure out the points if I doubled the serving size and omitted the oil and used whole milk instead of heavy cream and a HUGE serving is only 8 WW points. Like, it was SO BIG that I could have eaten half of it and been perfectly happy. Another tip: The box of rice I bought had a seasoning packet in it so I threw it into the soup too and it was all very tasty. Next time I make this I'll use the seasoning packet again, but I'd omit the salt in the recipe.

2. Sean Penn's Into the Wild. I don't know how it ended up on my Netflix list, but I sat down to watch it yesterday and maaaaaaaaaan...it was the best movie I've seen in a while. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who's gonna RUSH OUT at my suggestion and see it, but I totally get why Chris McCandless would go out there. Even *I*, the Queen of All Things Clean and Organized, sometimes wonder why I allow society, the law, other people, whatever to tell me what I can and can not do. I am a human being and I am part of nature. But then I remember that I *like* society and order and that I am not a caveman.

But maybe in my next life, I dunno.

Things that are Tasty but Require too Much Effort:

1. The Pioneer Woman's cinnamon rolls. The rolling process was way oozier than depicted on TPW's website and the mess was UNLIKE NO OTHER, what with all that sugar and melted butter all over my counters, but ultimately, the cinnamon rolls are good. Are they mind blowingly amazing? Maybe, if you like cinnamon rolls, but since I'm not a HUGE fan, they were just okay. Definitely not worth the time or the mess unless you know someone who REALLY likes homemade cinnamon rolls.

And also? One of my least favorite scents EVER IN THE WORLD? Maple. Like if I eat pancakes I have to wash the dishes IMMEDIATLEY because I can't stand the smell of old syrup...so when I came home from boot camp this morning and opened the door and was hit with a wall of maple funk from the glaze, I choked.

Things that, Initially, are NOT Awesome, but that Turn Out Okay:

1. Sitting in HORRENDOUS San Francisco traffic for 90 minutes, all to go three miles to my old boss's house for a mini cocktail party. He lives right in the middle of all the onramps to the Bay Bridge and there was a five car pile up on the bridge last night so OH DEAR GOD it was horrible. I would have just bailed and gone home except that A) I was trapped and B) I was 50% of the guests. I ended up being super late, but it was nice to see them so I'm glad I hung in there.

1a. I accidentally got on the bridge when I left his apartment and I didn't want to drive ALL THE WAY to Oakland only to have to cough up $4 for the toll and drive back, but once you're on a one-way street leading to the bridge and only the bridge, you're kinda stuck. Luckily, I used my awesome brain power to remember that I could get off on Treasure Island and turn around for free, so I did, but I wish I had someone with me because BOY HOWDY the view of SF from TI at night was awesome. It's the same view as from the other side of the bridge, I suppose, but closer. Plus, all the buildings still have their Christmas lights up so it was really beautiful.

2. Getting up before dawn, talking yourself into going to boot camp and driving out to Kezar Stadium, only to find yourself there, standing in the 45 degree fog with five other women, only to get stood up by the coach. But really, just getting out there is half the battle so one chick left, but the rest of us ran around the track, did some dips and pushups and abs and BADA BING -- I earned myself a workout sticker for my calendar.

Things I am Doing Today:

1. Driving down to The Jo with Carrie so she can get her hairs did while I run errands and then we're meeting up with Christa and Kaki for the annual drive through Vasona's Festival of Lights. It's an old-timey tradition that we're keeping up with even though none of us actually live anywhere near Vasona anymore.

2. Eating more of that soup.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas, hope you enjoyed my neighbor's copy of AARP magazine.

Fun Fact:

Our mailboxes got broken into last night!

I don't typically pick up my mail every day but I have been lately because of the promise of Christmas cards and CDs from an internerd CD exchange I'm participating in, so luckily, none of my mail was stolen, but I don't think my neighbors were that lucky.

I noticed it when I was on my way out to work this morning and then since I wasn't planning on coming home for a few days because of the holiday, I decided to run back upstairs and hide my computer just in case. Bad guys in the lobby can't get through to the storage area or the garage, but if they were bold enough, they could take the elevator and rob the apartments themselves and I have insurance to protect me against such things but I didn't want to come home from Christmas with the family and find that my computer, my only real thing of value (namely because of all the pictures and music stored on it) was gone. Better to be safe than sorry.

Funny enough, I did think "Ooh, I hope they take my TV" because I have to turn it on and off five times before it will work and since it used to be only four times, I KNOW it's on its last legs and if they steal it, then that saves me the hassle of figuring out the environmentally responsible way of disposing of it. That said, free TV removal is not enough of a selling point to get over the NASTY feeling I'd have knowing that someone gross was in my home and touching my things.

The world does not have enough antibacterial wipes.

Our house was robbed when I was in high school and one of the thieves (who turned out to be punk "friends" of my brothers) went #2 in MY bathroom. I remember coming home, seeing it and being SEETHING mad at my brothers for using my bathroom at all, much less neglecting to flush. AGAIN. That was before I realized we'd been robbed. And disgusting as this is, I remember looking at it in the toilet and CONSCIOUSLY thinking that it didn't look like a Holt turd. That knowledge, I can assure you, was due to the fact that my brothers were frequent non-flushers...not because we sit around and compare notes. So when I heard about the robbery, I was like OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! NO WONDER it didn't look like one of ours!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course, it took me a week to use that bathroom again. I cleaned the toilet within an inch of its life but the thought of the robber's ass on my toilet seat totally skeeved me out. I don't think antibacterial wipes existed or were commonplace back in the olden days of the early 1990s, but if they were, I would have wiped the heck out of that seat every damn time I used it. JUST IN CASE.

Speaking of antibacterial wipes -- some of you might remember that time I had my ass pinched by that nasty looking sex offender outside of my apartment when Carrie and I lived together. I had been bending over the bumper of a van, reaching in as Carrie was leaning in the side door and pushing something toward me. I looked up and accidentally made eye contact with the guy and then he walked past and pinched my butt. I was shocked and I was like "OMG CARRIE HE JUST PINCHED MY ASS! WHAT DO I DO?!??!" and she was like "KICK HIS ASS!" And the first thing that popped into my mind was that if I punched him, I'd have to touch him and I'd be SOILED. I ended up just standing there, totally stupified, staring at him walk away, but when I woke up from the fog, I marched back inside and immediately rubbed an antibacterial wipe on the butt of my pants.

The day passed and later that night Carrie and I were sitting around and we heard shouting on the street. We looked out the window and saw the ass pincher being screamed at by two women. I don't know what they were screaming because it was in Spanish, but from what I could tell, it surely wasn't "Hey there friend, what's up?" We debated what we should do and we called my brother to ask him what he thought and the general consensus was that if he was out on the street, drunk and harrassing women, we should call the cops. So we did.

They came to the door and we told them what had happened earlier in the day and that several hours later, he was still hanging around being a slimeball. They asked if I wanted to press charges and I was like nah, just send him on his way. Done. Except that then they came back half an hour later and tried to get me to press charges but I was on my way to Burning Man the next day and I had bigger fish to fry so I declined. But then they came back AGAIN and said that SURPRISE! Turns out he's a registered sex offender. Was I SURE I didn't want to press charges?? Well crap. I kinda HAD to, no? So I did and I had to ID him and give my statement and blah blah blah.

Then like a month later, I happened to be home for lunch and the Public Defender knocked on my door. I know I didn't have to talk to him but my story was what it was, it wasn't gonna change, and besides, he was kinda cute...so I talked to him and told him the same story I told the police. He was like "You seem normal and upstanding and well put together (that last one is the way to my heart, you know it is) and everything you've told me is the same as the statement you signed, so thank you very much, blah blah blah. Except one thing -- your statement said you antibacterial wiped the back of your pants after he pinched you???"

And OH MY GAH, Internet -- I know he thought I was a nutter because of that. BUT SERIOUSLY. A nasty, filthy, drunk sex offender touches me and I'm NOT supposed to clean his cooties off?? If he touched my HAND, I don't think anyone would begrudge me washing my hands, but de-germing my pants is crazy??


But anyhooters...back to the matter at hand: My mailboxes. Now I'm left wondering how the bad guy got into the lobby in the first place. I'm guessing he followed someone's visitor in, but, and maybe I'm stereotyping here, don't bad guys LOOK like bad guys? I mean, the shady people in my neighborhood are pretty obviously shady so WHY WOULD YOU LET THEM FOLLOW YOU IN?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My Christmas Spirit in a Box

You know who is MADE OF AWESOME? Cupcake Kari, that's who.

I was having a craptastic day, for no real reason, which made it that much MORE frustrating. I hate crappy days that can't blame on anything specific. So I was all wah wah wah all freaking day and I cried off all my makeup by lunchtime and I was going to go meet Carrie for a drink but then wah wah wah decided that no, that would be too hard. Wah wah wah.

But guess what came in the mail for me yesterday?? A surprise box of goodies from Kari! Her note was awesome and it made me want to fly my ass out to the Berkshires and PINCH HER for being such a great friend with such excellent timing.

The box was filled with candles and wine glasses and picture frames and the most awesome wine cork thing that I've ever seen AND presents for Carrie, Tiger and Dave, but you know what else was in there? And it feels totally geigh for me to even type this sentence, but it's true: MY CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. And also? My sanity.

So I took my refreshed attitude and makeupless face over to Carrie's to deliver the UNICORN COAT HOOKS and the little mice that creeped me out but that Tiger L-O-V-E-D:

And then we drank some wine and all was right with the world.

A million thank yous to Kari. xoxo.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Eye Boogers

I think I'm going to break up with my carpoolers. It's *not* a time saver and I knew that, but with gas at $4.75 a gallon, I was willing to deal with it. Now that gas is $1.75 a gallon, I'm far less motivated to carpool. The roads are congested because everyone else is thinking the same thing, but I don't care. I am one of the most irritable people on the planet and if I thought I'd magically find carpoolers who didn't bug the shit out of me, I was crazy.

And to be fair, it's really only #2 who bugs me. #1 has his moments too (they're both entirelly too hyper-focused on finding the absolute best possible route that might possssibly shave four minutes off our drive time), but he's fine. Unfortunately, he's also going on vacation for three weeks and I already told him that I'd KILL KILL KILL #2 if I had to be alone with him for three weeks, but #1 was oblivious to the high irritation factor that #2 introduces into the equation.

But yesterday, driving alone with #2, I reached my nitpicky limit. I noticed that he's always cleaning the sleep out of the corners of his eyes. Okay, not ALWAYS, but once or twice per drive. He'll take his glasses off, stick his finger in his eye, inspect what comes out, brush it off his finger and put his glasses back on. In my opinion, this is not something you do around people who are not your intimates, but I know, I know...I'm picky. I should say that it's not something *I* would do around people who are not my intimates and even then, I'd probably go warsh my hands just out of courtesy to others.

So it's gross and all but the thing that pushed me over the edge?

I made myself some tea for the drive home so I wouldn't be all grunty and annoying with my scratchy throat and it was in the cup holder between our two seats.



So I couldn't have my tea and I was mad and grossed out and resolved to antibacterial wipe everything in my car that he might have touched and then never drive with his ass again.

And God help the junkie at my gas station who always offers to squeegee my windows and who I always refuse, because when I stopped to get gas I was preoccupied with entering my PIN and I turned around and he was pushing dirty water all over my otherwise perfectly clean windshield. If I wasn't so pissy about eye boogers in my tea I might have been nicer about it but my instant reaction was to shout NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO to him.

But seriously, that's annoying. He didn't ask, he just did. Not asseptable.

And yes, if you're keeping track, I am nitpicky, irritable and bitchy to people who are possibly homeless.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

If anyone at work talked to me, I might whisper about this stuff with him/her, but since I'm a leper, I am resorting to telling the internet.

1. The women in this joint are serious farters. In the bathroom, I mean. I haven't detected anything outside of the bathroom, but EVERY DAMN TIME I'm in there with someone else there's some FORCEFUL farting going on. And they don't even wait for me to leave before they exit the stall.

I don't get:

A. Why the hell they have such gassy asses in the first place.

B. Why they're so proud of it. If I let a loud one slip I'd totallllly hide out until I my co-pee'rs were gone. (And yes, gentlemen...I know that it's a bathroom and that farting is normal bathroom activity, but just as there is special bathroom etiquette for men that I don't understand, you don't understand the special bathroom etiquette that ladies tend to follow.)

2. The HR lady is a piece of work with her wigs and her accessories and oh mah gah I can't even BEGIN to do her justice, but if you recall, she's also the one who overuses and mispronounces the word "actually." It's in every damn sentence that comes out of her mouth, axtsilly. Anyhooters, when she sends e-mails that start out "Dear Employee's" it makes me nuts and axtsilly, I can't be bothered to fill out the form she's asking me to fill out.

3. I was outside on the balcony and I noticed a pile of fingernail clippings. YOU KNOW how I feel about clipping your fingernails at work (THAT IS A HOME ACTIVITY!), but LEAVING THAT SHIT ON THE BALCONY LIKE THE FINGERNAIL FAIRY IS GOING TO COME CLEAN IT UP!!??!


Unless maybe birds use them for their nests like they use hair. Except that I noticed the fingernails earlier this week and they're still there so the bird excuse, if true, does not hold water.