Why so srs?

It's no surprise that I've been thinking about moving back to San Jose. There are two big draws:

1. BABY! He doesn't currrrrrently live in San Jose, but Grandma and Grandpa live in San Jose and they have a lot of pull when it comes to getting quality baby time, so the closer I am to them, the closer I can be to him.

2. I work in San Jose and the commute is a bitch. An expensive, expensive bitch. Plus, driving 100 miles a day, five days a week means that I've put 18,000 miles on my new car and it's only nine months old.

Of course, I own my apartment in San Francisco, this isn't a good time to sell and even if I could sell and make money on it, I'm afraid to sell it because I'd never get another mortgage, what with the whole "no longer giving mortgages to people who can't afford them" thing.

So there's that.

But I could rent it out and more than cover my rent in San Jose.

Except that then I sit back and I think about the hole I dug for myself when I was unemployed for the better part of 2008 and how I'm never going to get out of it if I'm still spending all this money every month trying to keep living in San Francisco and working in San Jose.

And then the delicate balance of my current situation is only something I can maintain, however painfully, if I continue to have a job. THIS job, specifically. Or, not THIS job, but a job in this salary range which, I'm afraid, I might be underqualified to find again if I had to.

I am ONE MILLION PERCENT lucky that my parents have been as supportive as they have and that, if I wanted to, I could stay in San Francisco and just hope for the best and if all else fails, I know they'd have my back. My too-old-for-Mommy-and-Daddy's-help back, but they'd have it nonetheless.

But then I wonder if maybe my newly heightened fear of losing my job is a warning sign and that I should take this opportunity to get my ducks in a row when I don't HAVE to, but when it's still an optional thing. If I don't do it, I'm afraid I'll look back in a year and wish that I could go back to the summer of 2009 and do things differently.

One of my resolutions for 2009 was to move back to San Jose. I was SO OVER San Francisco. But now when I look back on that I know this decision was made when I was coming out of the Great Funk of 2008 and now, several months later, I don't really want to go. All I can think about is how DUMB it is for a single person to move to San Jose ON PURPOSE and how I'll never have delicious brunch EVER AGAIN. I love San Jose and if I ever have a family, I'll want to do it there...but now? Ehhhh.

BUT THEN when I house sat for Ben and Sarah for several days this past spring, I fell back in love with the idea of suburban life. Everything seemed so easy! Look at that! A life free of elevators and parking garages and choosing between open windows or hearing the TV! Luxury!

So I don't know.

Then yesterday my friend Leslie asked me if I was still planning to move because her friend is looking for a place in my neighborhood. I told her that I was waiting for something specific to get me to get up off my ass and do it and I don't know if this exact potential renter will want my place, but it did get me thinking.

Maybe I should rent my place out and move in with my parents for several months so I can pocket the rent and get my shit together and then, as a result, feel better about myself and feel less trapped by my financial neeeeeed to keep climbing the corporate ladder?

I spent about a year with my parents right before I bought my apartment and I really never thought I'd consider it as an option again, but have you noticed? Things are sucky right now. While there is some shame in this option, there would be more shame in losing my job again and having to ask my parents for a mortgage payment.

I'm all for tightening my belt as we alllllll ride out the current economic fiasco but my belt has felt really tight for three years now and it hurrrrrrts. The trade off will be that I'd be 33 and living with MY PARENTS. My parents are great, but maaaaan, I'm sitting here wondering why I thought it was okay to kill time at Bloomingdale's when I was UNEMPLOYED.

But daaaaamn, I looked good.

I looked around my apartment last night and thought about how pretty it is and how much I love it and how, if I moved back in with my parents I'd be living with the ironing board and a strange bamboo curtain that my dad must have found in a dumpster somewhere and decided that he'd not only use it as a closet door in the guest room but, WHY NOT just hang that extra six inches of bamboo curtain on the wall and pretend it's art??!!

I'll be sad to leave my beautiful apartment and my beautiful things for the Tiki/Victorian-themed guest room but when I think about all the money I'll save it makes me want to roll around in $100 bills.

I'm house sitting for Ben and Sarah again this weekend and I'm hoping that I'll get bitten by the suburban bug again and if I do, I'm gonna start packing things up. I'm also hoping that when I finally make the decision to do it, I'll feel the same relief I felt the first time I decided to move back home.

My budget spreadsheet is currently titled "Poor." Maybe one day I can change it to "Okay."

Ohhhhh, the anticipation of the spreadsheet renaming!!!