Close up photos.
Don't get me wrong -- 32 is pretty great (all 2009-economy-related-things considered) and I wouldn't want to be 22 again but I just took a whole gang of self portraits with my phone and WHO IS THAT OLD, GRAY-HAIRED, WRINKLY, MASCULINE-LOOKING LADY WITH THE BAD HAIR!?!?!? I'm never wearing this sweater again.
My skin has definitely been looking less fresh in recent years but these close ups in flourescent light are not pretty and now I feel the same way I feel after looking at my skin in the magnifying mirror except without the knowledge that nooooooobody sees my skin at that magnification so if it looks okay at a normal distance, then it's okay. Because those pictures? I took them at arm's distance and plenty of people stand within arm's distance of me so plenty of people know that I look like an old, gray-haired, wrinkly, masculine-looking lady with bad hair. And that's not even counting the sitting-down-stomach-roll. Or the years-of-obesity-skin-sag.
I'm thinking I need to start looking for old men to date so they don't realize that I'm so old and haggard looking. Compared to a 75-year-old, I'll still be as fresh as a daisy.
And you know how they say that youth is wasted on the young? I totally get it, but because I'm still on the upswing of life (I hope), I probably only *think* I get it and that in 25 years I'll look back and tsk tsk for thinking that I could appreciate that thought at 32...which means that it's all downhill from here. Asthetically speaking, anyway.
Vanity aside, I expect the next 32 (dare I say 64?) years will be really awesome and way better than the first 32. Not to discount my childhood (and this is really sad and has me ALLLLLL choked up: the majority of years I will have spent with my parents), but the next 32 will surely be the years when I will watch my brothers have families, find someone to spend my life with, maybe have my own family. Those things are all supposed to be awesome so I'm looking forward to it but I'm kind of bummed that I'll have to do them all from under dry, tired-looking skin.
1. I hope I'm just experiencing the change-of-season skin freak out and that as soon as summer gets here I'll be looking as youthful and dewy as ever.
2. I hope that I do finally get around to losing eight million pounds so I can get my extra skin hacked off.
3. I can really feel the difference in my arm strength in recent months. All those push ups at boot camp are paying off because maaaaaaan, I can feel the toned muscles. Underneath all the fat. I want to say OMG FEEL MY GUNS but I can't because the gun feeler would have to get through all the fat and skin first and it wouldn't be very impressive at all...but BOY HOWDY, I can tell!
4. The downside to being 32 and single: Any man I date won't have been around to know me when I had youthful skin.
5. The upside to being 32 and single: Any man I date won't have had to put up with pain-in-the-ass 22-year-old Elizabeth Holt. He'll be MUCH happier with 32-year-old Elizabeth Holt. Assuming he can get over the saggy old lady thing.
6. As has been discussed in other forums lately, I spend too much time worrying about death. Not my actual death, actually, but mostly worrying about what would happen if I died tomorrow and didn't get a chance to do the breakfast dishes. OH, THE HORROR of people thinking I was dirty.
7. My All-Time #1 Fear: The deaths of my parents and brothers. And the PISSER is that unless I die first, I will eventually have to face this fear.
8. My #2 All-Time Fear: That I'll be alone when #7 happens. I know there will be friends and family there, but that's not what I mean.
9. DOWNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I know. Here's a remedy:
Baby Grady helps my mom get back into baby-feeding practice:
It should be illegal to be this cute:
My friend CK is the sweetest. He sent me for-no-reason flowers...my favorite kind:
And truth be told, I surely do NOT want to look 17 again: