Oink.

Ship Jumping

2009-09-22T16:43:00.001-07:00

ATTENTION PEEPS!

I'm ditching this blog because I don't like the creepy, stalkery searches that keep bringing people here so I created a new one.

How to find me:

1. If you're my Facebook friend you can find the link there.

2. If you know me from the ORIGINAL "blog" you can find the link there.

3. If you know my email address you can ask me and I'll send you the link.

4. If you know my dad, I'm sure he'll hook you up.

I hate to abandon the shocking number of hits this blog has been getting (seriously, WHO KNEW??) but I love my family more than I love my hits, so it is what it is.

San Francisco Sidewalk Art

2009-09-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

The recipient of these sentiments is a lucky duck.

Things

2009-09-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

Oh me oh my, I've been a baaaad blogger. I thought "Oh hey, it's only been a week, whatever" and then I looked at the calendar and realized that OH DEAR it's been nearly TWO weeks.

Here's what I have to say today:

1. I ran for 45 minutes IN A ROW yesterday. It was only a few months ago that I would shoot to run a mile and then walk a mile and then one day I decided to see if I could push through and just keep running and OMG I COULD! I remember someone saying that once you get past the first 20 minutes it's easy to just run on auto-pilot and I remember thinking that PSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T RUN FOR 20 MINUTES!!!

Except now I can and HE WAS RIGHT! 20 minutes turned into 40 minutes in the blink of an eye and then I figured well shoot, let's just go around the block again just so I can hit 45 and POOF! I was at 45.

2. I've also been going to kickboxing classes taught by a former Power Ranger (for reals) and he's this tiny little thing who flies through the air like a gnat in track pants. There's this move we had to do that involved squatting so your thighs were parallel to the ground (I challenge you to do this, Internet...it's crazy hard) and then SWISH SWASH, doing a 180 turn and landing in a squat again.

When they started doing this insane maneuver I took the opportunity to get some water and "dab" the sweat that was pouring off my face but then I figured OH WHAT THE HELL and gave it a shot and I CAN DO THAT TOO! Not for the 60 seconds of insanity that Le Petit Power Ranger would have preferred, but HOT DAMN.

I got home and showed my parents and can report the following:

A. My dad thinks he can do it too. But only once.

B. My mom, who I'm sure thinks that my "running" is really code for "walking briskly," was shocked at my moves.

I've been thinking lately that my ability to push through pain + my newfound ability to kick my own ass = Maybe there's an athlete under there somewhere??

3. My nephew continues to be wonderful.

4. I went out for dinner with a couple of lady friends and we ordered the big, giant mondo combination meat & cheese carving board and it was LARGE:

We did some significant damage and then each ate about two bites of our entrees before we reached maximum capacity:

I'm hungry right now though so I'm looking at that after shot and wishing I had that leftover cheese and meat to shove in my face. Poor cheese. I hope it doens't think we didn't love it.

5. This is what I look like when I'm waiting for prospective renters to come look at my apartment and decide that in the absence of chairs, ohhhh, draping myself over the bar will be comfortable:

My hair looks like an eskimo hat and my face looks OLD and HAGGARD so hey, why not share it with the internet?

Also, I would note that being folded over the counter is a difficult position to un-do. My dismount was not comfortable.

6. I don't know why they sell these:

7. And now that I've burned your eyes with those last two images, I'll leave you with the cutest dress ever that, I'm sad to report, bags out like crazy after sitting on a bar stool for a few hours:

Bullet: DODGED!

2009-09-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

I showed my apartment to several more people on Tuesday evening.

The first guy showed up and had kind of a "I'm young and slight but I'm going to show you how important I am by using my authoritative voice when talking to you" demeanor about him that I found kind of annoying, but whatever -- I don't have to live with him or anything.

He had his positive attributes:

* Tidy-looking

He had his interesting attributes:

* He is a funeral director and has his degree in mortuary science or something.

He had his middle-of-the-road attributes:

* Mediocre credit

He had his hmmmm attributes:

* Fake blue contacts (WHO DOES THAT ANYMORE?)
* Appeared to be wearing makeup, which, given his profession, made me wonder if it was dead person makeup!

But all in all, he was fine, his credit wasn't horrible, he filled out the rental application right then and there and left me with copies of all his financial stuff.

PLUS he said that given his kinda blah credit, he'd be willing to pay up to a year of rent in advance.

Whoa, interesting.

Then the rest of the prospective tenants came through and I liked them all and started to wonder if I should go with the ones I personally liked or the one who was willing to put his money where his mouth was and in the end, I decided that it was fair to go with this guy because I didn't dislike him and he was the first to give me his application and I do not discriminate against men who choose to wear makeup. I mean, who knows? Maybe he has Alyssa Milano skin under there or something, poor guy.

So I called him up to say hey, we're gonna check your references tomorrow, I'd like to take you up on your pre-payment offer if you're still interested in the apartment. He says yes, great, except really, I'm only comfortable paying for six months in advance. I say okay, that's fine, I'll talk to you tomorrow. He calls back a few minutes later and leaves me a message saying hey, you know what, you could totally foreclose and then I'd be left up a creek, so I think I'd rather just give you three months in advance and I'd need it all stipulated in the lease because also what if I decide to break the lease and blah blah blah.

I happened to run into my old friend Bree just as I was listening to the VM and told her about about the 12-no-6-no-3 month thing and she told me about how comfortable she and her husband are with THEIR renters. And then I talked to my brother (who is also happy with HIS renter) and was like dude, I think I want to tell him to go pound salt, he's backtracking, it's fishy, and I think he might wear dead person makeup.

So this morning I called left him a VERY FRIENDLY message saying hey, I've been thinking about it and I think I'm going to pass. I TOTALLY get where you're coming from and that the pre-payment is a risk to you, but I think there's a lack of trust between us and I don't want to get started off on the wrong foot so I'll go ahead and shred your documents as soon as I get home unless I hear otherwise, but hey, good luck to you.

He calls me back and wants to know what made me change my mind and I tell him that you know, I would have rented to you even without your pre-payment offer but I have to tell you, the backtracking kinda spooked me.

AND THEN (because there's always an "and then"):

He cockily tells me that "Yeah, well, you leaving your apartment to move back in with your parents spooked ME."

And I was surprised because I know FOR A FACT I did not tell him that specifically. I do recall him catching me off guard by asking small-talky questions about where I was going but I know I said FAMILY and not PARENTS.

Semantics and all though, right?

It's not UNTRUE, but I'm annoyed that he thinks I'm living with my parents because I'm at risk for losing my apartment and that, Mr. Makeup, is not the case AT ALL.

But I'm not going to argue with a guy who thinks his recent inheritance makes him a high roller so I said "Okay. Good luck. Goodbye."

Things

2009-09-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

1. It's pumpkin spice latte season! How exciting! Of course, it was like 74 degrees at 8AM so I didn't get one, but HOOOO BOY that's one of my favorite things about fall.

2. Los Angeles is not my BFF. First of all, it's hotter than heck. Or maybe that's just my go-places-on-record-weather-days bad luck, but HOOOO BOY, it was hot. And smoky. And hot.

And Ben and Sarah think I'm the whiniest OMG IT'S HOT crybaby on the planet but let me tell you something about being a fat person sitting in the back seat of a rented Hyundai on a 100 degree day with a 100-pound person in the front seat controlling the air conditioning: IT IS NOT COMFORTABLE.

To any passers by it would have looked like I was craning my neck for a better view but no, I was craning my neck with the hope that maybe, perhaps, if I was lucky, a little smidge of the refrigerated air would maybe, perhaps, if I was lucky, reach my face.

3. But rest assured, Los Angeles, you are not without SOME redeeming qualities:

A. It's where Karate Kid was filmed:

(Note: The empty iced tea cup is in my hand because I couldn't risk leaving my precious, precious ice to melt in the car.)

B. It's full of celebrity glamour (*cough*):

C. Our hotel was sassy and offered equally sassy bathrobes:

D. Westwood is very cute with lots of very cute little houses and attractive people walking their very cute little dogs.

4. Speaking of attractive people, I had dinner with my BFF Grady last night:

He's quite the charmer.

Only Child

2009-08-28T12:39:00.001-07:00

1. It occurs to me that I think it's kind of weird that Baby doesn't have a twin. I mean, my brothers are special snowflakes in that they're natural twins and I know that's rare-ish and all and I don't really even think of my brothers as TWINS...more like brothers who were born on the same day...yet I was just re-watching a video of Baby for the umpteenth time and I went "Whoa! He doesn't have a Ben!"

Poor Baby.

2. Speaking of Ben: Ben, Sarah and I are flying to LA tonight so we can show Sarah that yes, she picked the best half of California and that no, the other half is not as glamorous as she thinks it will be.

I'm going to flaunt my Northern California-ness by refusing to add a "the" to the beginning of a freeway name.

The sightseeing is not our only reason for visiting though. My parents are driving down tomorrow so we can all (minus Andrew & family) attend my cousin Farah's wedding. Except that she ACTUALLY got married in NY a couple of weeks ago so this is the California shin-dig.

THANK YOU FARAH FOR NOT MAKING ME GO TO NEW YORK IN AUGUST!

Humidity does not suit me.

3. That's all I have for you today, Internet.

Don't mind me...

2009-08-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

This post is 100% for my mom because her computer has challenges and it won't play videos of my wonderful nephew via Flickr, but WILL play videos that I upload here.

HERE YOU GO MOM!

Sorry about that everyone.

Then again, it's not like I'm uploading videos of paint drying or anything.

Buuuuuuuut, maybe videos of other peoples' kids ARE kind of like watching paint drying? I dunno.

CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED!

My Earliest Memory

2009-08-27T10:59:00.001-07:00

I would have been nearly three years old because I remember my mom being pretty pregnant with my brothers and I didn't really know where babies came from but I knew that if I asked my mom about it, it would make her squirm.

So I asked, of course.

She denies that she ever said anything this inaccurate but I remember it VERY CLEARLY:

"When two people love each other a lot, God gives them a baby."

QUOTE END QUOTE.

I had no idea where they ACTUALLY came from but I knew this wasn't it.

My brother likes to coo at Baby and tell him that "Mommy and Daddy made you with love, Little Guy!"

And then I throw up.

Things

2009-08-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

1. I re-ran my last run of the Golden Gate Bridge as a San Francisco resident this morning. I'm working from home and was able to get up early enough, so why not? I'm pleased to report:

* I didn't see any suicidal people this time.

* I ran THE WHOLE THING AND THEN BACK TO THE MARIN TOWER! If my calculations are correct, this is 2.2 miles, which BOGGLES MY MIND.

ME?

Run 2.2 miles without stopping?

ME AND MY MORBID OBESITY??

Y-E-S!

Of course it took me 25 minutes to do it, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

(But OMG my morbid obesity and I can run for 25 whole minutes IN A ROW without dying, which is something I'm very proud of, especially considering I couldn't run half a lap when I first started "running".)

2. 14 more pounds until I am able to graduate from morbid obesity to just regular obesity, by the way. I know that BMI tables are CRAP, but it's not like I'm just a little bit fat, so the bullshit lines between healthy and unhealthy weights are kinda a moot point.

3. In other news, I had this little, uh, growth like thing on my forehead and I ignored it for a long time and then read about how Dooce had something similar that turned out to be pre-Cancerous cells so I broke down and made an appointment with a dermatologist and even though I was CONVINCED it was bad news she was like "Oh hey, no problem...just some 'waxy cell build up' -- want me to burn it off?" And since I DO NOT LIKE WAXY BUILD UP ANYWHERE, PARTICULARLY ON MY FACE I said "Yes please!"

So she did:

It shows up way better now than it did right after my office visit, but I marched myself out of that building and sat in my car for like 20 minutes trying to get a good shot of my waxy build up. I wasn't particularly successful but I did learn that the extreme FGA produces some CREEPY LOOKING angles. For example, this is one I like to call "I'm Going to Eat Your Soul With a Side of Brains":

3a. Coincidentally, there was an article about non-Cancerous skin things in the Sept/Oct issue of Weight Watchers magazine and it totally discussed my particular variety of waxy cell build up, but I don't really know how to tell the difference between waxy cell build up and something I actually need to worry about so I'll leave the diagnosing to the professionals. Plus, I'm blonde with blue eyes, I've lived in a sunny climate for my whole life and only started wearing regular sunscreen ten or so years ago...I figure it's not so much a matter of if I'll find something that needs to be removed, but when.

3b. I'd also like to say that my friend Lauren had the BAD kind of skin cancer and had it removed and all, but she was only like 23-ish when that happened and despite spending her life up until that point as a sun and tanning bed worshipper, she has done a 180 and is all about the sunblock and shade. There are 100 things I love about Lauren, and her ability to hit the brakes and change her lifestyle like that is one of them. I admire her for it.

I think it's kind of like how when people have heart attacks they get the wake up calls to take better care of themselves, but by that point they're older and they recognize how fragile and precious life is...but a 23-year-old embracing that same attitude is pretty rare.

4. My bathroom light switches have been a problem for oh...say...two years now and my friend Henry (a retired electrician) has offered to fix them for me several times but I've been putting it off and putting it off and, as a result, I've taken more than one shower in the dark.

I finally called Henry last night and he came over this morning and BADA BING, they're fixed. I'm going to turn the lights on and off all day today just because I can.

My dad also put in the moulding along the bathroom floor so now, nearly three years after I pulled the original moulding off in a fit of "THIS IS UGLY GET IT OUT OF HERE," and what I'd classify as EPIC procrastination on my part, I have bathroom moulding.

And in approximately 21 hours, movers will be here to move me out of this apartment with the FINALLY FINISHED bathroom that someone else will get to enjoy.

Ahhh, timing.

Stalker

2009-08-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

I just checked the searches that directed people to this blog and here are a few of the new & noteworthy ones:

how to spell booger on a calculator

truckee pirate weight watchers

hokey pokey this week video

I don't know how to spell booger on a calculator, if there's a Weight Watchers in Truckee for pirates I don't know anything about it and I haven't done the hokey pokey in years.

Also, there's a disturbing trend of searches for my future sister-in-law, the details of the upcoming wedding, etc. As a result, I'm going mum on all of that.

You see Stalker, THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Intuition

2009-08-16T10:06:00.001-07:00

It's a milestone day, Internet.

I went for my last run across the Golden Gate Bridge as a San Francisco resident. PLUS, instead of turning around at the Marin County line (the second tower) like I usually do, I decided to shoot for the end of the bridge itself (only an extra half mile, but this marks my longest run ever) and VICTORY WAS MINE! I am really proud of myself, particularly since when I first started running I couldn't even run half of a lap at the track.

Then something unsettling happened.

But first, the demographics of the GGB in the 7AM/8AM hours are as follows:

The first half mile or so of the bridge (starting from the SF side) has the tourists who are moseying out to look and take pictures. There aren't too many that early in the morning, but they're always there. The middle of the bridge is empty except for the runners and MAYBE a few hearty tourists. The Marin end of the bridge usually has a few folks doing the half mile out mosey from the other side.

So on my outbound run this morning I saw a lady somewhere near the middle, totally out of mosey territory, walking at a leisurely pace. I noticed her because she was that far out on the bridge but didn't appear to have a camera with her, which I think is like a required accessory for the non-exercisers. I wondered what she was doing, but I didn't think too much of it. I assumed she was being alone with her thoughts or something.

I finished my run across and started walking back and I had just passed the Marin tower when I crossed paths with her again. This time I was able to see her face and she looked sad. Not really even just sad, but really upset and in pain. She wasn't crying or anything, but the look on her face really affected me and I walked a few more feet thinking that I should go back and ask her if she was okay.

Noooo, don't be silly. Maybe she's just cold and her face looks like that because it's cold and windy. Mind your own business, Elizabeth.

So I continued walking and thinking about her for a couple of minutes but I couldn't shake the feeling that I should turn around and go back to her. I stopped walking and stood there for a second, trying to decide what I should do.

Go about my business?

Or backtrack to go ask that stranger if she was okay?

I wasn't even thinking about it in a "she might jump" kind of way...it really was just out of concern and I thought maybe it might make her feel better to know that I cared. (Old age has turned me soft.)

I decided that even though it was totally out of character for me, I would turn around to at least just walk in her direction and then re-evaluate when I got closer.

BUT THEN!

When I stopped to think about what I should do I noticed two police cars pass (which is unusual) but I didn't put two and two together until I turned around to go back and saw that they had stopped next to the lady and a police officer was putting his arm around her.

I'm telling you, Internet, I just about burst into tears right then and there. My intuition had been SCREAMING at me to TURN AROUND AND GO MAKE SURE THAT LADY IS OKAY but I was too busy trying to talk myself out of it to listen and seeing the police with the lady made me realize that my intuition was 100% right on the money.

I don't know what happened to tip the police off, but a few minutes later two CHP and two bridge patrol cars passed with their lights on, which seems like A LOT of police coverage for one potentially suicidal lady, but I was relieved to know that I wasn't wrong -- something was definitely going on with her and that someone was there to keep her from doing it.

Where there's a will, there's a way and all, but NOT ON MY WATCH.

That said, I:

1. Feel like an asshole for being grateful that I didn't have to get involved.

2. Feel like an asshole because I'm a little bit annoyed that my last GGB run / longest run ever has been overshadowed.

Not ALL anonymous commenters are telling you that you're fat and stupid! Some are VALUABLE!

2009-08-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD whoever that anon commenter was the other day who pointed me to this link is my NEW BEST FRIEND:

http://www.howtogeek.com/howto/3210/drown-out-that-annoying-co-worker-without-hurting-your-ears/

Through that link I found Simply Noise and I SWEAR TO YOU, Internet, I'm a whole new woman. It's magical how it drowns out alllll the snorts and snot sucking and grunting and coughing and isn't distracting AT ALL.

The downside is that without my protective bubble of white noise (actually, I like the brown noise at 40%) my irritation level SKY ROCKETS. I was on a conference call with a mouth breather so I had that in one ear and the grunter in the other ear and I think I might have a little bit of a problem because I was craaazy cranky and I felt like a junkie twitching for her next hit.

I'm afraid to take my ear buds out and face the real world!

But WITH my protective bubble of white (brown) noise?

Oh my goodness.

I can't stop working because now all of a sudden I am focused and give a crap about the Quote to Cash process!

YAY!

Anyhooters, thanks a million Anon.

My, your buns are warm in the morning!

2009-08-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

I am 33 today.

My grandfather used to flip the numbers in his age. Only if it suited him, of course, but since he died at 100, his nineties were easy targets for his tricks. 98th birthday? No siree, 89th!

So today I'm 33, which means I've thought of Boppa many times today because if he were alive he'd tell me that 33 doesn't do me any good because I'm 33 either way. Of course, the next several years won't be useful either...34/43, etc.

But anyway, I'm thinking of Boppa today.

Speaking of, Boppa's death taught me that when people die, they don't actually disappear. This is all very kumbaya of me, I know, but we still actively remember and talk about him and really, it's like he's still here.

Jeeeeze, Elizabeth. Happy Birthday, let's talk about your dead grandfather.

Moving on...

So it's my birthday and I'm now eight days away from moving out of San Francisco, so what better excuse to have one last morning bun from Tartine for breakfast?

I've never really been a breakfast breads person (I'm more the BRING ON THE SAUSAGE type) but I had one of those there morning buns a few months ago because they're on the list of things to try in San Francisco before you die and BOY HOWDY, it was delicious. So delicious, in fact, that I believe I posted a picture of it here.

Yes, in fact, I did:

It's a good thing it's such a PAIN IN THE ASS to park over by Tartine because otherwise I'd be over there every day eating pressed sandwiches, olive bread, tarts and morning buns.

But today is my birthday so I put forth the effort and got there right when they opened and DO YOU KNOW WHAT MAGIC EXISTS IN THE WORLD RIGHT WHEN THE BAKERY OPENS?

WARM morning buns!

Holy crap, it was delicious but holy crap, I'm not used to eating warm, sugary, buttery bread products so early in the morning and now I feel kinda gross, so I'm trying to flush it out with lots of water and no more coffee.

The middle part of my birthday will be spent deciphering a bunch of work stuff that I'm SO UNQUALIFIED to be responsible for, but have somehow been put in charge of.
It'll be a laugh riot.

Then tonight I'm going to dinner with the family, but it'll be an early night because tomorrow I will embark on Operation: Pack My Kitchen. I might also work on Operation: Drink the Rest of the Beer. TBD.

I think I dodged a bullet.

2009-08-12T09:29:00.001-07:00

I went on a job interview last week. I was really excited about it because it was my dream job (if I HAVE to work, that is) but I had some reservations because it was a global role for a company that is significantly larger than the huge company I already work for. If I had my druthers, I'd prefer something smaller (more direct impact) and domestic (YOU try scheduling conference calls with France and Singapore), but I'd also prefer to quit contracting (the benefits and the uncertainty suck) so if I got it I'd be thrilled for the opportunity.

My friend Dave, a man I respect very much and who is crazy smart in the world of the biz-nass, told me that when I look at a job description, I should totally have 1/3 of the required skills, be able to pretty much figure out 1/3 of the required skills, and that the last 1/3 should be stuff I'd have to stretch in order to figure out. I'm sure recruiters and hiring managers of the world might disagree, but Dave was looking at it from the personal and career development perspectives and I'm on board with that, so the 1/3 of this particular job that would have been a stretch didn't scare me.

I had three phone interviews with remote team members and nailed them all and then I had three in-person interviews last week. I was feeling very confident about the first two and everyone told me GLOWING things about the Director (to whom this position reports) and I was excited to knock her socks off during my third in-person interview.

Except then I fell flat on my face.

We didn't have a great rapport, which was a huge red flag because I can talk to just about anyone, but to make things worse, she asked me questions that, in retrospect, were kind of unfair. More specifically, I think they were trick questions. What I should have done was answered them in a "Defining exactly what an engaged employee looks like is very specific to the project, the organization, the company..." kind of way instead of trying to figure out what I thought an engaged employee at this particular company might look like because there's a 0% chance that I'd be able to guess.d

Blah blah blah, but I missed the boat on this question. I should have explained how I'd propose we go about defining it instead of trying to define it on the fly.

And boy howdy, I could tell the moment I screwed it up and my immediate instinct was to just get up and leave right then and there, but maybe I could salvage it? Except in order to salvage it, I needed to have a rapport with this lady and I just really DID NOT.

I left the interview totally knowing I wasn't going to get this job and I was really bummed about it for like 15 minutes and wishing I could have a do-over. Ultimately, I managed to talk myself into being okay with it and when I got my rejection e-mail yesterday I just deleted it and was appreciative that I had already mourned and recovered.

Kind of like when you're already OVER a man and by the time he finally gets around to saying "I'm just not that into you" you're like "Yeah, whatever Molasses...I cared a week ago but today I think you probably shouldn't let the door hit you on the ass."

Bonus Story:

One of the chicks who interviewed me told me that she just moved to San Francisco from Oregon and:

1. She just bought an apartment in The Infinity and told me that they've only sold like 20 units so far so she has the entire 31st floor to herself. She asked my opinion on buying a couch and dining table for her balcony and is the fall in SF really as nice as people say because at this point, she can't imagine having dinner parties out there with the weather as it has been? I suggested that she bite the bullet and go for it because even if she just has cocktail hour outside, it'll be worth it and if it's too cold, the dinners themselves could be held inside. Plus, just for kicks, why not buy a heat lamp too?

She thought I was very smart. Obvs, duh.

2. Her Oregon friends said that she couldn't wear her leather coat here and I was like "Uhh, I don't think the hippies are really going to give you trouble for a leather coat" and then she was like "Well, what if it has a fur collar and fur cuffs?" I didn't know what to tell her about that but lucky for me, she switched the subject to announce that "You know, living in California is like living in a foreign country, what with all that SPANISH that people are speaking." And then she rolled her eyes to accentuate her point.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Wow.

Instead of telling her that YOU DO REALIZE THAT CALIFORNIA IS NEXT TO MEXICO AND, IN FACT, USED TO BE PART OF MEXICO, RIGHT? I was like "Well I'm a native so I guess I don't notice it, hey, I really like your necklace."

This woman was in HR, by the way.

In Summary:

1. I learned a lesson.

2. I'm pleased with how I processed it all.

3. I'm glad I don't have to work with the lady who clearly has an opinion on living so close to the Mexican border.

2009-08-04T15:17:00.001-07:00

1. I get to babysit my SWEET, WONDERFUL nephew on Monday night. GRANDMA, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!!

2. I'm between projects at work and my main accomplishment of the day was clearing 200+ unread items from my Serious Eats queue. As a result, I bring you the #1 thing I never thought I'd eat, but that has now been cemented into the OH HELLLL NO category:

On second thought, I'm not going to post the picture here directly but instead, I'm going to make you click for it. Chicken feet always seemed horrifying, but reading about how you have to clip their toenails before you cook them really brought the horror to a whole new level.

3. Another gem from my day-o-blog-reading:

If that's not full of WTF, I don't know what is.

4. In other news:

A. We celebrated my brothers' 30th birthday on Saturday. I got Ben a gift card to his favorite frozen yogurt place (he has one, apparently) because Sarah said he'd LOVE it and I was like "Ehhhh...it's frozen yogurt...is this really 30TH BIRTHDAY WOO HOO??" Except whoa -- Sarah was right -- he just about did backflips.

You learn something new every day.

B. The guy on the other side of the cube wall could stop grunting any time now and I'd be happy.

C. I listed my apartment for rent on Craigslist and I have two people coming to look at it tomorrow night. Luckily, I don't HAVE TO get a renter RIGHT THIS MINUTE because I'm going to move this month one way or another, but I'm hoping that one of these two chicks wants it so I can wash my hands of this process.

One of them wants to move in 8/15 which puts me in a bit of a time crunch because, if you've noticed, there's only one weekend between now and 8/15 and I'll have to move on 8/14 which, CONVENIENTLY, is my birthday. No big whoop or anything except I somehow got the whole family to agree to come to SF for dinner on my birthday (a feat, let me tell you).

So we'll see. I'm working on being patient about it all, but trying to keep the place in relative order until someone commits to renting it is making me crazy because there's so much to do and I have to sit on my hands to keep from packing more boxes and creating more mess.

Lavender and Pie

2009-07-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, #1, I have to repost that video of my sweet, wonderful nephew. Not because he's doing anything but sitting there staring at the crazy lady asking him what he's doing over and over again and thinking "I'M LOOKING AT YOU, THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING, DUMMY!" but because he's just so cute I can't stand it.

But now that's out of the way, I can share the main reason for this post:

It's a "Prodigal Pen" and I don't know what that is, other than my friend Leslie was listening to me whine about the constant breakouts on my chin and claimed to know of a magical little pen thing that would clear up my spots lickety split.

I was skeptical but she brought me one a few weeks ago and OH MY GOSH INTERNET, I have to tell you:

It's awesome.

Breakout? What breakout?

GONE!

Like magic.

Like this chick whose review I found when I went Googling for more info, I only use it a couple of times a day instead of the 4-5 times a day the instructions suggest and VIOLA! Clear skin.

The onnnnly downside is that it's made up of a bunch of essential oils so it's very scented. I feel like my chin smells like lavender and pie, but this is a small price to pay for continued gorgeousness.

Unrelated:

I am currently chewing a half piece of gum I found at the bottom of my purse. I am reminded of how, when desperate for gum, I've been known to chew the gum at the bottom of Carrie's purse, which comes with free tobacco flakes stuck to it.

The person I love most in the world:

2009-07-29T09:37:00.001-07:00

Thunder Thighs

2009-07-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I had a less-than-awesome experience at one of those laser hair removal places that involved:

1. Being told my thighs were so big that they'd need to reschedule me for more time because of how big my big, fat thighs were and PS, your thighs are huge with a side of giant.

2. Me saying UM WHATEVER GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.

3. Them ignoring me.

4. Me calling the freaking ABC TV station and getting their consumer guy involved.

5. Them ignoring him.

6. Him getting his feathers ALL kinds of ruffled.

7. Them finally, after several months, giving me my money back and then telling me I was no longer welcome at their facility.

8. Me writing a bad Yelp review.

And for whatever reason, when a new company (BriteSmile) bought the old company (Pure MedSpa), all the old company's Yelp reviews followed the new company so the new company is understandably motivated to get those old reviews fixed up. Soooo, guess who got an e-mail from the new company asking me to contact them so they could rectify the situation and maybe I'd be so satisfied I'd be willing to rewrite and/or delete my old review?

ME!

I called the lady back today but she wasn't there so I'm interested to see what they're gonna offer me and it had better be something more exciting than a bottle of moisturizer or whatever.

Things

2009-07-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

1. I am so glad that Jillian picked Ed. If she didn't want him, I'd have been FIRST IN LINE. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, then never mind.

2. My brother just called to tell me that Laurina's work schedule got switched up so that now they're both working the same overnight shifts and CRAP they need to figure out a child care plan and I was like OMG GIVE ME THAT BABY I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF HIM! So maybe...we'll see. I will sleep with him in his crib if I have to.

3. My parents have been less than inspired when coming up with Family Night menus lately because my mom is a crazy picky eater and we are doing Weight Watchers and Sarah is a vegetarian (pescatarian, I guess because she does eat fish but that just sounds toooooo hippie dippie so I'd rather say "vegetarian who eats fish") and we often end up with bbq'd chicken and shrimp and salad. That's lovely and all, but not every week, so last week I put myself in charge of dinner and we had turkey tacos, fish tacos and a hearts of palm, tomato and avocado salad:

My mom is not a taco eater but she likes all the things that go INTO tacos but you put them all together and call it a taco and she'll suddenly think that it's too spicy and OMG SHE MIGHT DIE. But I know my audience so I substituted paprika for the chili powder in the fish recipe and TA DA! Not spicy, but still pretty. It was salty though, which is saying something if *I'M* the one calling it salty. Rachael Ray's recipe called for two tablespoons of salt but that seemed like a lot so I halved it and it was still too salty.

I loved the hearts of palm salad but it was too adventurous for the family so 80% of it ended up in the trash. Poor avocados and tomatoes and hearts of palm. I'd totally make it again, but not for the family.

4. This book was RIDICULOUS:

Madonna's brother is a martyr who complains and then complains some more. I didn't pay for it though so if anyone wants to read it next, please allow me to pass this copy along instead of giving that complainer any money. And if my brothers become world wide pop stars, MARK MY WORDS, I will never complain that they don't book me in a suite when we travel.

5. I've been skewering a lot of things lately:

This one turned out to be something I'd probably feed to other people (unlike most of the food I cook for myself). In fact, maybe my family will soon be enjoying grilled mushrooms, red onions and turkey sausage at an upcoming Family Night!

6. That video I posted last week? I couldn't wait to try out the banana opening technique so when I saw bananas at my local coffee joint the other day, I bought one and documented the process.

Step One:

Step Two:

Step Three:

Success!

The only problem with this method is that I've NEVER been one to eat all the way down to the end of a banana because I hate the idea of eating that black stem thing and this method forces you to actually do something about the black stem thing before you can eat your banana. However, I am frequently banana challenged and this method was lickety split easy so I might have to get over myself and just eat the black thing.

7. Sometimes the predictive searches that come up when I'm tying something into Google really kill me:

8. My iPhone sucks at the far away detail shots but that black thing standing above that chick in the yellow shirt is Huey Lewis:

We have family visiting from England right now and Lyn is like Huey Lewis's ONLY English mega fan so when they figured out when they were coming to visit, we figured out of Huey would be touring anywhere nearby so she could get her fix. The closest show was at the Lake Tahoe Music Festival and I like Huey enough to drive her up there so we went!

It was a whirlwind trip -- there and back in one day -- but it was totally worth it. The concert was held on a golf course in Truckee and it was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL (as most things in the Tahoe area are) and I'd love to do it again next year, but I'd like to spend the night up there so I could join in on the wine drinking and not have to drive home.

Lyn was amazed at the elaborate picnics people brought and how much drinking was going on (it was BYO wine and picnic, but you could buy wine and BBQ there if you wanted to), which I guess makes sense because they couldn't have outdoor events like that in England. But here? HECK YEAH people here go to town with the wine and the cheese and the delicious looking things being pulled out of coolers all around us.

The only thing that kinda put a damper on the night was that the organization of the event was kinda hokey pokey and the earlier you got there (as we did), the further away from the actual venue you had to park and you couldn't really just walk there so you had to wait for shuttles, which were slow in coming. But okay, fine, we can be patient...except that DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS when you get a few thousand old, wealthy, white people together? THEY BITCH TO NO END about the "public transportation" (uhhh..they were Northstar ski shuttles...it was a VERY FAR CRY from the horrors of Muni, for example) and about the INJUSTICE of having to park so far away when the people who got here later got to park closer and OH MY GOD LET'S ALL BITCH ABOUT IT TOGETHER!

I wanted to respect my elders and I didn't want to embarrass Lyn but if the shuttle hadn't come when it did, I would have told them all to SHUT THEIR FACES BECAUSE YES, I THINK WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOT HAPPY!

They got each other allllll riled up, I tell you.

The ring leader was a PIECE OF WORK, WHO, as it turns out, didn't even have a "preferred" ticket like we did and no matter what time she got there, she would have been in the back. Some people really just complain to complain and boy howdy, it's unattractive.

But once we escaped that lady and her "THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE *WILL* BE HEARING ABOUT *THIS*!" drama, we settled into our sand chairs (the required BYO seating) and people watched.

And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Internet...the people watching was awesome. I could go on and on but I'll just summarize:

A. They all looked the same: The men in Tommy Bahama shirts and the women with complicated hairdos, collagen-filled lips (with lip liner) and big diamonds on their fingers. Mutton dressed as lamb, my mother would say.

B. I'd be willing to bet they were all on their 2nd marriages, at least.

C. We were playing "Spot the Under 40s" and there were a few, but they were ALL with their parents.

D. It's well established that white guys can't dance, right? Well imagine OLD white guys trying to dance. It's a sight to see.

But really, it was a warm, beautiful, perfect night, we were super close to Huey but not so close that we could see his wrinkles, and I'd totally love to go back again.

Stuff I read today

2009-07-24T10:02:00.001-07:00

It's Friday, I had a beast of a day at work yesterday so I'm chillaxing today. I can't string enough words together to justify a whole post so instead, here are some things that make me love the internet.

I know people who might think this is a good idea:

True story: I was sitting at my friend Christa's rehearsal dinner and the trainwreck wife of one of the groomsmen decided that THIS was the moment she wanted to overshare so she goes "WHO WANTS TO SEE MY UTERUS??" and whipped an ultrasound photo out of her purse. Except it wasn't even of a baby -- it was of a cyst or something. It's kind a bummer that chick and her husband have since divorced because the well of "OH MY GOD YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT MARNIE DID" stories has dried up.

If you've never had an Indian taco, you don't know what you're missing:

I can't imagine putting forth the effort to make the fry bread myself, but maybe one day. One of the biggest reasons to miss Burning Man is that I'm missing out of my annual Indian taco, which they sell all along the road to get there. I've never stopped for one on the way there, generally because we're full of HURRY UP AND GET THERE excitement but on the way out, it's $5 worth of the most delicious comfort food on the planet.

I love everything on this site, but here's a recent one:

BEFORE

AFTER

These are ADORABLE and I'd totally try to make them but I GUARANTEE that I'd spend hours and hours trying to get them perfect only to fail and throw them away:

They're cakes, btw...not actual peaches.

This makes me want to run out and find a banana:

Seven within 24 hours. Oh my gosh.

2009-07-21T14:21:00.001-07:00

Okay so FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, my friend CK came to visit me from the land of the Texas. He comes out here every May and this year, instead of his traditional Cinco de Mayo visit, we decided that he should come later in the month so he could experience Bay to Breakers.

He is always up for anything and he's a really awesome date so while he was here, we decided that we would have a digestive BONANZA:

1. We would try to hit as many things as we could from the list of 100 Things that I've been working my way through.

2. We were going to make all the weird food crap we've seen on the internet over the years and invite our friends over to clog their arteries.

Gluttony at it's best.

He arrived on a Thursday evening and we promptly went back to my apartment to make Colorado Bulldogs and devise a game plan:

First up: #37, Rotisserie chicken at Limon.

We cabbed out to EGYPT (not really, it felt like it) and eventually got seated, where we enjoyed the most delicious sangria I've ever had and the most delicious rotisserie chicken EVER in the history of the whole entire world:

It was SOOOO good (HOW GOOD WAS IT?) that I've since been back two more times. In a city with as many dining options as San Francisco, I hardly ever go back to the same place twice, much less THREE times in the matter of only a month or so.

All nice and liquored up from the Colorado Bulldogs and the pitcher of sangria, we headed over to my favorite drag queen bar where we proceeded to do sticky sweet shot after sticky sweet shot after sticky sweet shot with Cliff, my up-until-recently-favorite-bartender-ever:

We eventually stumbled home and woke up the next morning, expectedly a teeny bit hungover.

But you know what? We're TROOPERS! We had a list of 100 things to tackle, starting with brunch. And really, eggs benedict cures allll, right? So we beautified and made it over to #77 for eggs benedict on the back patio of Zazie.

You know how when you're dealing with the aftermath of being over-served, the laaast thing you want is another drink even though you know it'll make you feel better? Hair of the dog? Yuck. So we enjoyed our pancakes and eggs with much gentler beverages:

And after some quality time kicking around town, going to that strange pirate store in the Mission, driving up to the Marin headlands and some couch lounging, we mustered up the energy to head out for lunch: #40, a cheeseburger at Taylor's.

I'm kind of an "a burger is a burger is a burger" kind of girl and it was good, but not THE BEST BURGER EVER, OMG.

After the burgers, we had lackluster ginger snaps at Miette (#49) and killed some time people watching at the Ferry Building.

That's not us, btw. We were the people behind them going "This ginger snap kinda sucks. This lavender flavored marshmallow tastes like soap. What time does the bar open?"

We decided to head over to Union Square so we'd be closer to our next list item when it opened (#30, the Laughing Buddha cocktail at Cantina) and OMG ON OUR WAY OVER WE SAW A CELEBRITY!

Kinda.

We saw my internet homie Joel, who I've had a mutual blog-reading friendship with for like 100 years now. He was behind us on the escalator going down to Muni and -- this is horrible -- he recognized me by my jeans, which means two things:

1. I've posted way too many pictures of myself over the years wearing the same damn pair of jeans.

2. I probably need new jeans.

The jeans as seen on that particular day:

The funny thing is that Joel was kind of a part of my weekend anyway so seeing him was SO TOTALLY FITTING:

A. The weird food party was his original idea, I think.

B. We'd already made plans to look for each other at Bay to Breakers. He was planning on running (like, for reals...not with beer-in-hand), I was planning on spectating.

We rode together for a couple of stops and dorked out at running into each other and then it was time for CK and I to get off the train and Joel continued on his way to go pick up his race bib and be a healthy citizen.

High on the excitement of my celebrity sighting, we went to the Gold Dust Lounge, one of my favorite drinking-in-the-middle-of-the-day bars and FINALLY had the hair of the dog we'd been needing.

After the Gold Dust, we went to Cantina and had memorable-if-only-because-they-were-gross cocktails that really had no business being on the list:

AND OH MY GOSH I'M GETTING TIRED OF WRITING THIS AND WE'RE STILL ONLY ON FRIDAY AFTERNOON!!!!!!!

We bought sunglasses (NOT Ed Hardy ones...psssscha):

We had #93, seven courses of beef at Pagolac. I don't have any pictures but it was an interactive dining experience and not at all as overwhelmingly gluttonous as it sounds.

After dinner we had #48, Angels on Horseback at Anchor & Hope but since it turns out we don't like oysters (even fried and wrapped in bacon), we really just drank champagne and poked at our plates.

Plus, hello, it had been a DAY OF EATING.

We were full.

More gluttony tomorrow. Or later. Whenever.

A bunch of nothing much

2009-07-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

1. I will be 33 in 30 days.

2. I hope I get married before the only age-appropriate wedding attire is a tasteful cream suit.

3. If internet medicine is to be believed, I think I have pre-cancerous cells on my forehead and maybe also on my chest. It takes 700 years to get in to see a dermatologist though, so I hope I don't end up maybe-dying like that annoying Izzy on Grey's Anatomy.

3a. 33 more days until I have to admit to the dermatologist that I'm no stranger to the blistering sunburns.

Blistery, sticky, vomity sunburns. Mmmmmm.

4. The good news about probably not getting married until I'm too old to wear anything but a tasteful cream suit is that I won't be passing my butt white genes down to any children.

5. The white peach I'm eating tastes like chocolate. I usually get the yellow peaches so I'm not sure if this is just a fluke or if this is just what white peaches taste like.

6. I just cancelled my Match.com subscription for like the 75th time. I sent 13 e-mails in the last two weeks and only one responded, but even then I think he was just being polite. This is par for the course.

7. I've decided that I am for sure moving back to San Jose. I wasn't back at my apartment for more than an hour before I started looking for stuff to throw away. Moving sucks, but I do love the brutal pack-or-toss cleansing process.

Things Not to Discuss on a Job Interview: Religion, Politics and Michael Jackson

2009-07-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Alrighty.

Here's where I say RIGHT AT THE TOP that I know pllllllllenty of people are passionate about the opinion opposite of mine and I'd like to say we can agree to disagree except I really just don't think there are any "Yeah buts" that can justify outpouring of grief and sympathy for Michael Jackson.

That said, my platonic life partner, the handsome and talented Mr. Daniel Pieracci, tweeted this article about Michael Jackson and I have to say, I CONCUR:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/michael-jackson-bad-and-very-dangerous-1731258.html

Some of the points the author makes are kinda harsh, but not unfounded. I'm specifically thinking about how we'd throtttttle anyone who could overlook Hitler's later-in-life activities because, in his youth, he united Germany. Molesting (allegedly) a handful (?) of children is not as bad as dehumanizing and murdering millions of people, but I understand the logic. (Though I'm finding it difficult to say that child molestation is better than something else, but few versus many and all...)

I was SO ANNOYED yesterday because of all the "I hope Michael Jackson knows what a profound, magical influence he was on the universe and that he is up in Heaven listening to all the beautiful things the world has to say about him" posts on Facebook and I had to close the www and focus on something else.

Like WORK or something. Crazy, I know.

I totally get that his music had a "profound, magical influence" on the world and it CERTAINLY is toe-tapping and even I remember where I was when Cousin Rachel brought over her mom's Thriller album, but all this over-the-top mourning of the beauty of his spirit and shit blows my mind.

Seriously, it BLOWS MY MIND.

My mind: Blown.

He was fucked up in a million ways but none of that excuses his actions. I wouldn't go discussing this around the water cooler or anything but I don't mind telling you, Internet, that I think the world is a better place without him.

Small Concession: I do feel bad for his kids. And not just because they somehow ended up as his children, but because I'm sure he loved them and, based on Paris's speech, they loved him back.

I complain and all, but seriously, my life isn't THAT hard.

2009-07-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

I've had my newfangled iPhone 3GS for over two weeks now and I'm not having any of the overheating issues that people are talking about and the 3G network does sometimes disappear and reappear when I'm sitting in the same spot but that is all still very magical to me because I used to have a first generation iPhone and was tortured with Edge, so I won't complain about the network spottiness.

(Annnnnnnnnd non-iPhone users are clicking away right now, I can feel it. I don't blame you.)

So I'm not having those often bitched about issues but I AM having a few issues and I'm going to put them out there to the www just for kicks:

1. Sometimes you can push the picture taking button until the cows come home but it doesn't do anything and you have to close and reopen the camera to get it to work.

2. My self portrait app doesn't work anymore. This isn't the phone's problem, I know, but it's still annoying. The self portrait app allows you to touch anywhere on the screen to take the picture instead of struggling to find the picture taking button when you have the screen turned away from your face. Now with that little zoom focus box thing, you can't touch the screen without the phone thinking you're trying to focus and the whole point of the self portrait app is out the window. I keep checking for updates to the app because I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem but GAAAAAHLLLLL.

3. I'm not sure if this is a Twitterriffic issue or an iPhone issue but like half the time I try to highlight a tweet, it flickers and won't highlight and takes several attempts to see the damn picture someone has tweeted.

4. I am annoyed that the privilege of using this phone costs me more per month. Stupid AT&T.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS OH MY GOD.

And don't you just LOVE that my last post was all "blah blah blah I'm poor" and this one is all "I just dropped a few hundred bucks on a phone"?

Fun fact: I bought my last iPhone with my first unemployment check, but that was back when I'd just received a fat severance check and couldn't imagine that it could POSSSSSIBLY take me more than a month or so to find a job.

Mmmmhmm.

My next post will be about how frugal and responsible I am.

Why so srs?

2009-07-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise that I've been thinking about moving back to San Jose. There are two big draws:

1. BABY! He doesn't currrrrrently live in San Jose, but Grandma and Grandpa live in San Jose and they have a lot of pull when it comes to getting quality baby time, so the closer I am to them, the closer I can be to him.

2. I work in San Jose and the commute is a bitch. An expensive, expensive bitch. Plus, driving 100 miles a day, five days a week means that I've put 18,000 miles on my new car and it's only nine months old.

Of course, I own my apartment in San Francisco, this isn't a good time to sell and even if I could sell and make money on it, I'm afraid to sell it because I'd never get another mortgage, what with the whole "no longer giving mortgages to people who can't afford them" thing.

So there's that.

But I could rent it out and more than cover my rent in San Jose.

Except that then I sit back and I think about the hole I dug for myself when I was unemployed for the better part of 2008 and how I'm never going to get out of it if I'm still spending all this money every month trying to keep living in San Francisco and working in San Jose.

And then the delicate balance of my current situation is only something I can maintain, however painfully, if I continue to have a job. THIS job, specifically. Or, not THIS job, but a job in this salary range which, I'm afraid, I might be underqualified to find again if I had to.

I am ONE MILLION PERCENT lucky that my parents have been as supportive as they have and that, if I wanted to, I could stay in San Francisco and just hope for the best and if all else fails, I know they'd have my back. My too-old-for-Mommy-and-Daddy's-help back, but they'd have it nonetheless.

But then I wonder if maybe my newly heightened fear of losing my job is a warning sign and that I should take this opportunity to get my ducks in a row when I don't HAVE to, but when it's still an optional thing. If I don't do it, I'm afraid I'll look back in a year and wish that I could go back to the summer of 2009 and do things differently.

One of my resolutions for 2009 was to move back to San Jose. I was SO OVER San Francisco. But now when I look back on that I know this decision was made when I was coming out of the Great Funk of 2008 and now, several months later, I don't really want to go. All I can think about is how DUMB it is for a single person to move to San Jose ON PURPOSE and how I'll never have delicious brunch EVER AGAIN. I love San Jose and if I ever have a family, I'll want to do it there...but now? Ehhhh.

BUT THEN when I house sat for Ben and Sarah for several days this past spring, I fell back in love with the idea of suburban life. Everything seemed so easy! Look at that! A life free of elevators and parking garages and choosing between open windows or hearing the TV! Luxury!

So I don't know.

Then yesterday my friend Leslie asked me if I was still planning to move because her friend is looking for a place in my neighborhood. I told her that I was waiting for something specific to get me to get up off my ass and do it and I don't know if this exact potential renter will want my place, but it did get me thinking.

Maybe I should rent my place out and move in with my parents for several months so I can pocket the rent and get my shit together and then, as a result, feel better about myself and feel less trapped by my financial neeeeeed to keep climbing the corporate ladder?

I spent about a year with my parents right before I bought my apartment and I really never thought I'd consider it as an option again, but have you noticed? Things are sucky right now. While there is some shame in this option, there would be more shame in losing my job again and having to ask my parents for a mortgage payment.

I'm all for tightening my belt as we alllllll ride out the current economic fiasco but my belt has felt really tight for three years now and it hurrrrrrts. The trade off will be that I'd be 33 and living with MY PARENTS. My parents are great, but maaaaan, I'm sitting here wondering why I thought it was okay to kill time at Bloomingdale's when I was UNEMPLOYED.

But daaaaamn, I looked good.

I looked around my apartment last night and thought about how pretty it is and how much I love it and how, if I moved back in with my parents I'd be living with the ironing board and a strange bamboo curtain that my dad must have found in a dumpster somewhere and decided that he'd not only use it as a closet door in the guest room but, WHY NOT just hang that extra six inches of bamboo curtain on the wall and pretend it's art??!!

I'll be sad to leave my beautiful apartment and my beautiful things for the Tiki/Victorian-themed guest room but when I think about all the money I'll save it makes me want to roll around in $100 bills.

I'm house sitting for Ben and Sarah again this weekend and I'm hoping that I'll get bitten by the suburban bug again and if I do, I'm gonna start packing things up. I'm also hoping that when I finally make the decision to do it, I'll feel the same relief I felt the first time I decided to move back home.

My budget spreadsheet is currently titled "Poor." Maybe one day I can change it to "Okay."

Ohhhhh, the anticipation of the spreadsheet renaming!!!

Still waiting to win the lottery or marry well...

2009-06-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth - Thanks for this. Appreciate your follow-up here.

Do Pete and Bob have visibility to this? Want to be sure all is in alignment from a comms perspective.

Thanks much!

This is the kind of e-mail I get all day long that makes me want to reach through my computer and choke the sender.

Visibility
Alignment
Thanks much
Lack of the word "I"

If she had thrown in a "reach out" or "ping" or "engagement model" I for sure would have thrown my computer through the window.

I went to my high school reunion and lived to talk about it.

2009-06-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

This is copy pasta from the reunion blog but I wrote it so whatever.

I'm speaking for myself here but:

1. I'll take it a step beyond "less painful than expected" and say that it was actually 100 times better than I'd hoped. The best part is that I don't even think that's just in my own head -- I think the "I really wasn't expecting this to be as great as it was but I am SO GLAD I went!" sentiment is shared by many.

2. Everyone looked REALLY GOOD. Like polished, grown-up versions of their teenage selves.

3. Being in a room with all these familiar faces seemed soooo normal but also soooo surreal.

4. Maybe the people with the funny looking kids skipped the picnic but let me tell you: Lincoln grads make some adorable kids.

5. There was a bachelorette party being held at the same restaurant on Saturday night but we put them to shame. Granted, it looked like the most boring bachelorette party in history, but really, we had a great time.

The bottom line:

I'm glad we didn't have a 5 or 10 year reunion. I'm glad we waited until we all had the easy confidence of being in our thirties and that it was less of a "let me show you how great I'm doing" display and more of a "I'm doing well, I'm happy in my skin, I'm happy to be here and I'm genuinely happy to see you" kind of weekend.

And just for posterity, allow me to remind you of the before:

And the after, thank God:

Go Lions.

And speaking of hot dentists...

2009-06-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

Nick Lachey is a dentist??

This one is cute and all but A) he's a pediatric dentist and B) while I don't take my dental care very seriously, I would prefer that my dentist not wear a rabbit hat:

This is half-assed, I know, but I want to close those windows and get on with my work and I couldn't close them without sharing.

Ooh, and I should say that in the rabbit guy's defense, his name is Rabbitz or something...which I guess is way better than a Dr. Johnson wearing a wiener hat.

I take my dental care very seriously.

2009-06-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

1. I had this picture of my mom and Baby as my desktop on my work computer for like ten minutes but I had to remove it because I kept stopping what I was doing so I could go back and look at it and then I'd get all teary because HE IS SO WONDERFUL.

2. My 15th high school reunion is on Saturday. Cue the teenage angst flashbacks. At least I've learned the value of eyebrow maintenance since then.

3. I forgot to put on deodorant today. I've never been a stank-master or anything so I'm sure I'll be fine, but I can't help but sneak whiffs JUST IN CASE. Let's all cross our fingers that nobody catches me.

4. I just made plans to go to bottomless mimosa brunch with my friends John and Tony. John was like "I hope I get to read about myself on your blog again" and I was like "Lady, if bottomless mimosas are involved, YOU CAN COUNT ON IT!"

4a. Hiiiiiiiiii, John!

So look for a bottomless mimosa related update sometime after July 19th.

5. I am losing my part time job, which is a bummer because I liked working for the site, but they needed me to be available overnight and for more hours per week that I was comfortable with so we're parting ways at the end of this month. Mama's got a mortgage to pay and I can't monkey around with my ability to meet my day job obligations.

The silver lining is twofold:

A. I am now available for bottomless mimosa brunches.

B. I am now available for almost unlimited baby squeezing.

6. Two facts:

A. I love my dentist.

B. I have crappy insurance and my out-of-pocket for my cleaning/exam will be $110.

This means that until I get a new gig with less-retarded insurance, I have to find a new dentist. This is shocking, especially if you're familiar with how much I love Dr. Dan. I've been seeing him since I was like 19 or 20 so this is a SERIOUS breakup. Sniff, sniff.

This ALSO means that because my teeth are fine and have always been fine and I won't need any serious dental techniques performed on my mouth, I will be selecting my next dentist based on looks.

Hottie dentists of the world, HERE I COME!

Baby

2009-06-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm an aunt.

I have a nephew.

I surprised myself with how little I cried when he was born. I thought I'd be a waterworks, for sure. It's only today, Baby's third day of life, that I find myself overwhelmed with love for this little baby and I'm just so grateful that he's here and that he's a part of our family.

I didn't not feel these things before, but it all just seemed so unreal...so fictitious...and now, after spending time alone with Andrew and Laurina and Baby last night and watching Andrew talk to him and take his shirt off in an effort to wake him up enough to eat and looking at his tiny, vulnerable body and not just an adorable little face peeking out from a blanket, I realized how much I love him and how much I want to protect him and how he's the beginning of the next generation and how he is me, 32 years ago.

I don't know how else to put it so I'll just say it again: I'm overwhelmed with love for this little baby and I'm so grateful that he's ours.

Douchebags and Hipsters

2009-06-10T15:11:00.001-07:00

I was the lone hipster at an outdoor douchebag convention.

*I* wasn't. Some guy on Craigslist Missed Connections was.

I was at said douchebag convention, but I don't qualify as a hipster for any number of reasons. The Talbots skirt I'm wearing today, for example. You'd think the Talbots skirt (complete with with white eyelet trim) would mean that I was one of the douchebags, and that may hav been true ten years ago, but now I'm Team OH MY GOD GET ME AWAY FROM THE KIDS IN THE BEER GARDEN!

I'm mature and shit now, duh.

My pal Walkera and I decided to check out the Union Street Festival on Saturday afternoon. It was a beautiful day, we had time on our hands, so why not? Except that ohhhhhhhhhh dear...Mr. Lone Hipster wasn't kidding...it really was a douchebag convention.

Sometimes I'm like "The Marina gets a bad wrap...it can't be THAT bad" and then I go to the Marina and I'm reminded that YES, IT IS that bad. It was a bonanza of drunk chicks in maxi dresses and drunk men in popped collars.

We spent the whole time going "Maaaan...how do they tell each other apart? They all look exactly the same to me!"

But back to the Missed Connection:

The thing that caught my attention was the hipster part. I reguarly roll my eyes at the hipsters in the Mission drinking their coffee and wearing their ironic t-shirts and eating escargot out of taco trucks, but I think the douchebaggery is increased tenfold when you SELF-IDENTIFY as a hipster.

Blah blah blah.

This is the third entry I've started today and I'm determined to actually click publish so pretend there's a profound or witty wrap-up here.

I'm hot but I can't take off my jacket because the shirt I'm wearing underneath is unflattering, I want a Diet Dr Pepper but I have to go to Weight Watchers in less than two hours and I don't want the unnecessary 12 ounces, I've been here since 7AM and I'm READY TO LEAVE.

So in about 11 minutes I'm going to be in my car, headed to Santa Clara to give my SIL my opinion on the fabric she bought for her new valances, which is 1,000 times better than sitting here and waiting for it to be WW time.

I'M GONNA CLICK PUBLISH! WITHOUT EVEN CHECKING MY SPELLING! OMG!

Spark Science: Still hits my funny bone after all these years!

2009-06-09T12:18:00.001-07:00

Does anyone remember Spark Science?

I used to keep up with thespark.com back in the olden days but they're defunct now -- the guys sold the site and all the stuff on it to Barnes & Noble who, I'm sad to say, wiped it clean and all the magic of Spark Science was gone.

I've searched for some of the classics before and wasn't ever able to come up with anything so I cried little tears but I knew that I'd keep the Stinky Feet in my heart for years to come.

THEN LAST WEEKEND I was watching Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist and there was a concert scene and I did a double-take because the band was Bishop Allen! I've never really been into them but this is notable because Bishop Allen is made up of the guys behind the original Spark Science projects.

So that got me thinking about it all again and I re-Googled and YAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAY! Thanks to the magic of the internet, I present to you, Spark Science!!!

Stinky Meat

Stinky Feet

Stinky Meat II (my least favorite, but definitely part of the collection)

The Fat Project

Date My Sister

The sites aren't live or anything so some of the pictures are dead, but YAY for the Waybackmachine!

I want to tap my fingers on Laurina's belly and be all "OPEN OPEN OPEN!"

2009-06-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

Not to be too kumbaya and "the miracle of life is a beautiful thing" on you all or anything, but I'm going to be an aunt ANY DAY NOW and in the last week or so I've started to get kinda gooby about the whole thing.

I've NEVER thought that pregnancy sounded like a good idea. It seems barbaric that we would grow new humans INSIDE OTHER HUMANS and then brutally shove them out, ripping and stretching everything along the way. I mean, that's how ANIMALS do it. How CAVEMEN did it. I, in the 21st century, should be able to order a baby from a laboratory or something and have it delivered and all these women who choose to actually get PREGNANT in order to have a baby must be hippies who revel in the beauty of nature.

AND I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

I'm not saying I don't think babies are exciting because they TOTALLY are and I love holding them and pinching their cheeks and kissing their fat arms but the whole process involved with getting them here is undesirable. Maybe if I cared about having my own kids I'd feel differently but I absolutely do not get why someone would want to do that.

But then I heard that Laurina has started to dialate and for a moment I got all "OMG her body is staring to prepare for the birth of my brother's child and OMG THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL." And I'll admit that I got a little teary. DAMN THAT BABY for turning me into a wuss.

This wasn't the original point of this post (It was going to be "It's a trip that in a few days this person will show up and be the center of my whole family's universe and we'll love him/her more than anything but right now? Today? This person doesn't even exist yet. That's weird.") but I've lost my will to keep going because all I can think about is how Joanie will be here in an hour to pick me up for lunch and how eating a 5AM breakfast was stupid because now I'm STARVING.

But I will say this: I've lived nearly 33 years without being an aunt and I'm pretty sure that one day I'll look back and think that I can't imagine life without Baby and that's pretty hard to wrap my head around. And one day, when I'm 67, I'll have lived longer WITH Baby than without Baby and my life without Baby will seem like it was so long ago.

OBESE SAUSAGE BACON BRIDESMAID LOVER: My new favorite YOUR MOM type insult.

2009-06-02T11:11:00.001-07:00

There's a direct correlation between my workload at, um, WORK and the frequency with which I blog. Therefore, the sorry state of my blog lately = WHOA, WORK!

I have stuff I need to blog about but I don't just want to be all "OMG CK CAME TO VISIT AND WE ATE HAPPY MEAL PIZZA AND OYSTERS AND WE WERE OVER-SERVED AT THE DRAG QUEEN BAR THE END" so I'm putting all that off for another day.

What I *will* take a moment to share with you is a list of things people were searching for when they found my blog. I don't really care how many hits I get or which IP addresses they came from but HOLY HECK the search referral tool is a kick in the pants.

There are three main themes:

1. People searching for something along the lines of "elizabeth loves bacon blog," which I assume is people who have neglected to bookmark or add me to their blog readers, but who are still DYING to catch up on the blah blah blah.

Thank you searchers, I'm genuinely flattered, but these benign searches aren't making me do any double takes.

2. People searching for bridesmaid dresses for fatties. And paraplegics. For example:

dresses for obese bridesmaids

obese bridesmaid dresses

paraplegic bridesmaid

bridesmaid dresses for fat arms

It's kinda surprising how often the word obese is mentioned.

But then there's also the opposite:

stick thin bridesmaid

I don't think that person found what s/he was looking for, but they were probably treated to a bridesmaid fashion show anyway. The paraplegic searcher was likely disappointed to see that really I was just making fun of a stupid country song.

3. People searching for answers to an assortment of eye booger questions:

avoid annoying eye boogers

eye booger in baby eye

picture of baby eye boogers

Little did I know my post about breaking up with my carpool guy because he put his eye boogers in my tea would lead to so much eye booger traffic!! I don't know anything about BABY eye boogers though.

BUT THEN there are the uncategorized searches:

battleaxe couples cell phone strap

stupid maryland crab tattoo

obese sausage bacon bridesmaid lover

Who the heck knows where those came from but:

A) This sounds like it has the possibility of being dirty. Kinda like when my dad went eBaying for "leather straps."

B) I'd agree that Maryland crab tattoos are probably stupid.

C) WHAT'S IT TO YA?

E-Famous

2009-05-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm all over the internet these days. Or, in two spots, anyway:

1. I am in one of the Bay to Breakers gallery shots on SFist. Looking super alert. Phone in one hand, cocktail in the other. I hope my parents are proud.

2. My tongue is featured on Radar. Again, I hope my parents are proud. If you're a lagger and you miss it, you can see me in all my glory HERE.

Not quite a marathon runner, but getting there...

2009-05-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

I keep meaning to write a post about how much my mood has improved over the last couple of months and how, whenever I emerge from a funk, I'm surprised at just how much happier and energetic I am. My funks don't tend to be frequent or blatantly obvious, (this last one was lengthy because of my extended unemployment followed by months of uncertainty when I finally did get a job) but when they're over I want to run down the street in a pretty dress as I say good morning to strangers and exclaim that IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY to anyone who will listen.

So I keep meaning to write that post but it's just not coming out so instead I'll give you an example of the non-funk Elizabeth in action:

I woke up bright and early on Sunday morning and didn't have to work until 9AM so I thought about going to the gym or maybe going up to Crissy Field to test my time running a mile but then I realized that OH! It's only 7AM, which means that it's late enough for the sun to be up but not so late the the Golden Gate Bridge would be overrun with tourists! I'M GONNA GO RUN ACROSS IT!

So I did.

We used to run the bridge at boot camp but then we got a new coach and she wasn't hot on that, so we didn't do it anymore. My previous bridge "runs" have been run/walks that K-I-L-L-E-D me (I've only been able to run a whole mile without stopping since about this time last year and I haven't really worked on increasing my distance) and because I've always been pressed for time, I've aimed for the Marin County line, which is right at the second tower.

I'm pleased as punch to report that I ran the whole way to Marin yesterday morning and really, I could have kept going to complete the whole bridge but I had to get back home in time for my 9AM work thing. I'm not exactly sure how far that was, but the bridge is 1.7 miles and the Marin County line seems to be about 3/4 of the way across. If I'm guessing correctly, this would have been my longest run without stopping ever! I walked back and all, but shoot -- BABY STEPS!

Next time: Run the WHOLE THING!

My morning in pictures, AKA If the Bridge is this Beautiful in Camera Phone Pictures, Imagine How Beautiful it is in Real Life:

I have a whole lot to say about a whole lot of nothing.

2009-05-09T10:32:00.000-07:00

1. From Fail Blog:

Like a bidet, I imagine.

2. There are five apartments on each floor of my building and each floor shares a washer and dryer. Until recently, I'd never had much of a problem doing my laundry whenever the heck I felt like it because I don't think 303 or 301 EVER did laundry, 304 was never home and 305 is a late night laundry guy. So that left 302 (me) plenty of prime time laundry doing.

BUT THEN 303 sold his apartment and the new owner, GASP, does laundry on a regular basis so I had to compete with him, but fine, no problem, whatever.

AND THEN 304 rented her place out to a 20-something couple and not two days later I found a pair of underwears in my laundry that did not belong to me and I JUST KNEW that these new people would ALSO want to get on my laundry game.

DAMN THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR PERSONAL HYGIENE!!!!!!!!!!

3. But okay, speaking of finding those underpants in my laundry -- I was transferring stuff from the washer to the dryer and I saw what looked like a hot pink rubber glove or something sticking to one of my dresses. My mind processed this information slowly and I couldn't figure out what the heck I'd left in my pocket because this tiny, flimsy chunk of pink something-or-other was very confusing. It took me a second to realize that it was the new chick's underwear that was SO FREAKING SMALL and made of NOTHING that it's really no wonder they were forgotten.

I didn't want to embarrass her by knocking on her door and going "OH HAI, WANT YOUR CHONIES BACK??" and I didn't want to just leave them out for her to find because if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be horrrrrified to think that maybe 301 had been the one to find them and I'd have to throw them away because the thought of him touching my underpants would ruin them forever, so I just tossed them down the garbage chute.

The kicker is that when I finally figured out what they were I surprised myself with my old lady "THIS IS UNDERWEAR?? THIS IS WHAT THE KIDS ARE WEARING THESE DAYS?? THIS IS THE TINIEST, LEAST FUNCTIONAL UNDERWEAR I'VE EVER SEEN!" reaction.

32 going on 72, I tell you.

4. I think we've already established that I'm working on eating my way through the list of 100 Things to Try in SF Before You Die, right? Because I am. I've made some decent progress over the past few months and I'll save my reviews and blah blah blah for another post but I will say that I decided to earn #8: A morning bun from Tartine, by walking my ass 1.4 miles to get it:

My walk was not without incident though:

This is an example of why WE DO NOT RUN FOR BUSSES! Or in this case, a light. I was in a hurry because I had to work my second job (btw, I have a second job) and I didn't want to miss the light so I ran and my phone jumped out of my pocket. Oops. I've seen worse cases of iPhone injuries though so I know it'll be fine and I already kinda like that the back of my phone is all worn looking because I refuse to get a case for it, so another war wound will just add character. Besides, that morning bun was totally worth it.

5. The two greatest fortunes I've ever had:

6. So you know how Mother's Cookies went bankrupt or something and everyone cried little tears because they thought they'd eaten their last circus animals? And then how some other company bought Mothers' recipes? And how they sucked because the circus animals were bigger and creamier and tasted kinda lemony? Because all that is true. Here are the wanna-be circus animals:

WELL YOU'LL NEVER GUESS what I saw at Lucky's last night!! The original Mother's circus animals! I didn't think to take a picture before I threw the bag away (so I wouldn't keep eating them -- blasphemy, I know) but it said something like "The originals are back!" And I'm happy to tell you, Internet, that the new-new ones have the correct size, flavor and texture:

I called my dad to give him the good news and he was like "I was already having a great day so this just makes it even better!" He's a man who knows the importance of tradition. And now that I know they're back, I can go back to buying one bag every five years or so.

Making you smarter.

2009-05-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

According to my Fact-A-Day calendar, The Netherlands have the tallest people. The average man is 6'1", versus the US where the average man is 5'9.5".

I think this means I should move to The Netherlands!

Also from that calendar:

Q: Which US state and its capital city do not share any of the same letters?

A: South Dakota and its capital, Pierre

This seemed like a Final Jeopardy question so I thought I'd call that out just in case another one of my friends makes it onto Jeopardy. (And, uh, Meredith MAY OR MAY NOT have played four days in a row without ever getting the Final Jeopardy question right so I'm trying to save my other nerd friends from that claim to fame.)

Dilbert

2009-04-30T16:55:00.000-07:00

Things That Bug Me:

1. "The net-net is this..."

My brother loves to say "The fact of the matter is..." but I like my brother so it doesn't bug me so much as distract me from what the fact of the matter actually is. The guy in the cube next to me likes to say "The net-net is this" 75,489 times per conversation.

2. "I'm out of pocket."

This doesn't bother me when it's used CORRECTLY, as in, "I had to pay for that myself," but OH MY GOD people around this company REGULARLY use it to mean "unavailable." Like, "Are you going to be out of pocket during your vacation?"

THIS IS WRONG.

Urban Dictionary agrees with me:

Paid from personal funds. Somehow over the past half year or so, "out of pocket" has become a new business catchphrase meaning "unreachable, out of communication", which is incorrect.

It's a small world!

2009-04-26T20:19:00.001-07:00

Anyone remember when I visited the egg farm in Oklahoma? They gave me an empty egg carton just for kicks and I loved that visit so much that I brought it all the way home with me and then ended up putting it in my fridge because that seemed like a logical spot. It's there on the right hand side of the middle shelf:

So I've had this empty egg carton in my fridge for months and it makes me think of Carey and her family and their eggs on a daily basis. As a matter of fact, I see that carton often enough that when I looked at one of The Pioneer Woman's Twitpics the other day I was like OH MY GOSH SHE BOUGHT CAREY'S EGGS!!

See?

And while all the other comments are along the lines of WHOA THAT'S A LOT OF BUTTER or WHOA THAT'S ONE HECK OF A VIEW, I immediately recognized the Fisher egg carton and I even went to look at the one in my fridge just to see if I was right, and I was!

I e-mailed Carey to ask her if maybe ALL the eggs in that neck of the woods come in similar cartons or if maybe those really were FISHER eggs and SURE ENOUGH! She thinks they are!

It's a silly coincidence, but seriously, I'm SO TICKLED that A) The Pioneer Woman uses Carey's family's eggs, B) that I've seen the source of those eggs and C) that I recognized the cartons.

Before and After

2009-04-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have two sets of befores and afters for ya:

Before my shower (but after boot camp):

After my shower:

If I lose my phone, whoever finds it will be able to identify me by my zillions of lobby mirror shots. I take pictures of most of my outfits because I am VAIN VAIN VAIN. Know your name.

This particular one makes me way to cry a little tear because there was a stain on that blouse that the dry cleaner couldn't get out so I figured I'd attack it with bleach because otherwise it was definitely a lost cause. I thought I had been successful and was ALL excited to wear my favorite summery blouse for the first time this season and then I got in the car and realized that not only was the stain still there, but the entire area that I'd spot-treated with bleach was now yellow. Awesome. It was so bad I couldn't even pretend that it wasn't there so I had to go back upstairs and put on a shirt I'm less in love with.

WAH.

Before:

After:

I'm on a mint julep kick these days. That there mug is 50% of a set I bought with Daniel one day when we were cruising the Catholic Charities shop in downtown Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlingame, I think it was. They're engraved with Norm and Marv's names on them and the date -- 7/14/73, I think.

We think it was the day they won their bowling tourament. Must have been.

Also seen here:

Now it's time for me to go to a meeting where people ask me questions about things I'm surprised they think I have any authority on. I do and all, but in my head I'm 15 years old and I'm totally faking it.

And later? My first time back at a Weight Watchers meeting in over a year. Oh dear.

For BAC

2009-04-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

After:

See?? SHORT SHORT SHORT!

Getting my hair did.

2009-04-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

You know how when you clean your house you often make it worse before you make it better? If you're doing it right, anyway. I know Joan knows what I'm talking about. Well when getting your own self beautified you also have to make it worse before you make it better:

After I got my hairs did I went out for sushi with Ben and Sarah. It was after 7 by the time I got there and they're both totally jet lagged so I offered a rain check but their goal for the evening was to stay up until 9 (WATCH OUT!) so we went out anyway.

This particular sushi boat moves FAST so that, plus the fact that poor ol' Sarah was t-i-r-e-d meant that by the time she got her arm up in the air, her roll of choice had already ZOOMED by.

Fun Fact:

Going to a sushi boat with Ben and Sarah is not advisable because they end up with a stack of five measly plates COMBINED and you feel like a major OINKER for the six plates in front of you. I will say that I think six plates at a sushi boat is NOTHING compared to the plate towers other people build, but it still made me very self conscious.

When I was still on speaking terms with WWBF we'd go for sushi all the time and I don't know how he did it but I SWEAR half of his plates would end up in MY stack. No biggie because YOU KNOW I WAS PAYING FOR IT ALL ANYWAY except that believe me when I say that I'm SURE it was a subconscious (or maybe just passive aggressive, now that I think about it) Weight Watcher move. (And I guess this is where I should explain that I met him at Weight Watchers, for those of you who weren't around for that roller coaster.)

Unrelated:

I think I might want this cake pan:

The main problem though is that it looks like a WALL of cake and that doesn't appeal to me because, you know, cake is useless without frosting.

Thanks for the link, Jordy.

On the agenda for the weekend:

1. Hot date with Tony & John! We're gonna cross another item off the list of 100 things to try in SF before we die. Possibly #43.

2. Drag queen brunch for Sarah's birthday! We'll be brunching with two pregnant chicks and one of them is pretty close to her due date so we all need to cross our fingers that she doesn't go into labor before Sunday because we're past the cancel-by date so we'll have to pay for her anyway. DAMN HER for not considering the drag queens while planning her family. Sheesh.

2a. And no, I'm not talking about the birth of my future niece or nephew. That one still gets 9 more weeks of cookin' time. S/he did, by the way, kick my hand the other day. My hand was on L's belly at the time, so it's to be expected and all, but it was still a strange experience.

HOLY CRAP I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT IN NINE WEEKS.

Meme!

2009-04-15T22:12:00.001-07:00

I was tagged by Sassy Sarah:

Take a picture of yourself right now.

No primping or preparing.

Just snap a picture.

Load the picture onto your blog.

Tag some people to play along.

Here's the glamour:

I won't tag anyone though because I'm always a chicken about that.

Unrelated: I'm watching Miley Cyrus on American Idol and I want to punch myself for thinking that I should download this song. Damn her for being so Stevie Nicks-ish.

The Fro

2009-04-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow but coming across pictures like these make me want to grow my hair out again:

It was very windy on that boat to the Isle of Mull, but maaaaaan I'm missing my hair right now.

[Insert more blah blah blah about how YOUNG I looked even just a few years ago.]

But no more long hair for me. I love the short hair too, so I'll get over myself and YOU JUST WAIT...tomorrow at 4:30 when Laurie asks me what I want I'll tell her that I want it SHORT SHORT SHORT and she'll cut it so it hits my shoulders when it's wet and I'll be happy.

I need a honey so I can start a honey-do list.

2009-04-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting in one of those sexy SOMA industrial-buildings-turned-Web2.0-companies last night. It was pretty much just one large open space with a full kitchen in one corner. Like a studio apartment on steroids, actually.

The kitchen really caught my eye because it looked very much like my kitchen -- groovy cabinets, double oven, etc. The difference though is that while my cabinets are a really fetching almond formica (?) with oak trim (vintage 1983, baby!), theirs were white with silver metal trim and the result was really fresh and modern and kinda spacey, but not so spacey that normal people couldn't live with them and now I'm thinking that this could be an exciting way to update my kitchen.

Here's the best picture of my cabinets I can find (without really trying that hard):

So now I need to find out if it's possible.

I know I need to update my kitchen before I sell but because I have a big, giant kinda free-standing cabinet against the other wall, I don't think it'll be as easy as just replacing the cabinet doors and drawer fronts (and new appliances & counter tops), so if I can figure out a way to work with what I've got, I would be happy. The big, giant kinda free-standing cabinet would still need new veneer or whatever the heck it is, but a sheet of veneer sounds cheaper than getting all new cabinets made (because I DOUBT that big cabinet is a standard size).

Anyway, blah blah blah...not exciting, I know, but I wanted to post this to remind myself.

And I'm gonna be really disappointed if I go to Ikea.com and find out that they're not updated old cabinets at all,

My dad flew around the bay and boy are his arms tired.

2009-04-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

Before I get to the B-17 BONANZA, I want to just get this off my chest:

Ben & Sarah are on vacation right now and I feel all full of angst that they're not safe and sound at home. It occurred to me that *I'M* usually the one off on the adventure...I'm not used to being the one at home, worrying about the ones who are away.

So, sorry for flying here and there and not really ever considering anyone's concern for my well-being.

Also -- I was telling my mom that I checked their flight from NYC to Dublin to make sure it would arrive in time for them to make their connection to Madrid and seeing right there on my computer screen that Ben and Sarah were flying in the air RIGHT THAT MOMENT was unnerving. I mean, duh, I know that when people go places they fly in airplanes and that airplanes go up in the sky and...uh...FLY, but it's usually something people are going to do or have just finished doing. I'd rather not think about my loved ones hurtling through the air. Over an ocean.

But speaking of flying, this oldfangled airplane was in town for a couple of days and we heard that my dad really wanted to take a flight on it so we bought him a ride as an early Father's Day present. My mom and I spent our Saturday morning on the tarmac, taking 75,000 videos of us talking to each other. I'm having trouble embedding the videos, but really, they're not exciting...just me and my annoying voice that I'm sorry everyone I know has to listen to.

But here's the plane:

Speaking of how strange it is for the world wide internet to tell me that my brother is IN THE AIR RIGHT THIS MINUTE, here's a picture of a plane FLYING IN THE AIR with my father ON IT. In the air. Flying. Dangerously.

From his perspective:

A beautiful day for an airplane ride, no?

He lovvved it and I'm happy my mom and I could be there to watch.

Fun Fact:

Dave (the dog) licks his lips all night long and it jamaicas me crazy.

Solution:

Sleep with the ear plugs my dad gave me for the B-17 thing.

He's spending the night with my parents tonight and I am SO EXCITED to get an uninterrupted night's sleep because I love him, I reallllly do, but I don't know how anyone manages to share a bed with him.

This is probably another reason not to have children.

Hill Valley Preservation Society

2009-04-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

I kinda want this t-shirt:

But not enough to actually wear it out of the house.

I am very fancy and I attend book signings. Of cable TV and internet celebrities. But still.

2009-04-06T15:44:00.000-07:00

The nice thing about living next to a park (that I wouldn't spend any time in unless I was looking to buy and/or do drugs) is that it's easy to spot my apartment in arial shots of the city like this one:

I love Dooce and all, but the airport is several miles ouside of San Francisco and honestly, I'd be hard pressed to remember ever seeing a commercial airplane flying over the city proper. I'm probably wrong, but what?

Related:

I went to the Dooce book signing last week and daaaaaaaaaaaamn that woman was a trooper. She was super pregnant but was also looking super fierce in a chic dress and some definite CFM shoes that she may very well have been wearing at the time of conception.

I dorked out though and didn't get a picture with her, unlike two of my other compadres Sassy Sarah and Sunol Steph. The angle would not have been fatty-friendly and in order to avoid being a denim-clad beast hovering over the pretty pregnant lady I would have had to complete a squatting maneuver but a quick calculation told me that my skirt + the lack of a table cloth on the table she was sitting behind would not turn out well for the people in the front row of chairs.

So alls I have to show for it is this hastily-taken and excessively blurry shot of someone who, you'll have to trust me on this, is THE Heather Armstrong of Dooce fame:

And also proof that the woman in front of me has pierced ears.

Fun Facts:

1. Sassy Sarah is the first of my friends to actually meet SIL Sarah. She's no Snuffaluffagus!

2. Bree, my BFF from kindergarten, was also there and I finally got to meet her not-so-new baby!

Snowman Underpants

2009-04-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Okay so there was a big earthquake in Italy last night. I love me an earthquake as much as the next native Californian, but nobody likes to hear about bad earthquakes where towns crumble and people die. Especially when your brother and sister-in-law are in Spain and are fixin' to go to Italy tomorrow.

They'll be in Sorrento for three nights and then they'll be going to Rome for three nights and based on what I read on the US Embassy's website, they don't need to change their plans so it's all good in the hood. Well, for tourists anyway.

Ben called early this morning to check up on Dave (who is fine, but is totally bored with me and is clearly missing Ben & Sarah) and I asked him if he had heard about the earthquake. He hadn't, but being in non-English-speaking countries is like being in a bubble...the world continues to spin but the only English you see is the occasional signage for bathrooms or souvenirs.

When Joanie and I checked into our hotel in Venice the guy at the front desk told us that "USA! BOOM!"

Wha?

And it wasn't until the next day when we shared a table at a cafe with a couple other Americans did we learn that there was an explosion at a power plant in New Mexico. Except that now, when I went Googling to see exactly what the heck it actually was, I think maybe it was a forest fire that threatened nuclear something-or-other at Los Alamos National Laboratory. I don't know though.

So anyway, the STRANGE thing is that after I talked to Ben I thought maybe I'd dreamed (dreamt?) it all up because I can't for the life of me figure out how I heard about it and knew to Google it on my phone sometime in the middle of the night. Except I didn't dream it -- it did actually happen, so I dunno. Maybe we have a psychic connection.

Weird.

Fun Fact: I was doing laundry last night and they left a load of stuff in the dryer so I was folding it and discovered that Ben is still wearing snowman boxers. In April. So I safety pinned a note to them alerting him to the fact that they're seasonally inappropriate.

AND NOW THE WHOLE INTERNET KNOWS that my brother wears snowman underpants.

You're welcome Benny!

Two posts in one day! CAN YOU STAND IT??

2009-03-31T15:12:00.000-07:00

First World Problem of the Day:

I'm unhappy with my new bathroom decor.

The old bathroom decor was brown with orange art & towels:

When I painted the bathroom brown I did so with the intention of swapping out the accessories with any number of brown-friendly coordinates, so when I came across this "FOR LIKE EVER" poster I immediately thought that my next bathroom theme would be brown and PINK:

Santa brought it for me for Christmas that year and I searched and searched for the right color pink towels. They had to be bubble gum pink...NOT baby pink. You know how many companies make bubble gum pink towels?

Answer: NOT MANY. It took me a few weeks of intense searching but I finally found them.

And then I got laid off.

So what?

Plenty of bathroom redecorating time, right?

Right.

Except that girls who've lost their jobs have no business spending money on little things like getting giant, odd-sized posters framed.

So that poor poster sat in my closet for months.

And months.

And even after I got a job I was too busy trying to keep my head above water to worry about silly things like bathroom decor. Then FINALLY, when my hero the CPA/Fireman told me I was getting a kick ass tax refund, I decided that my poster (and a couple others I'd accumulated) could finally get bumped up to the top of my priority list.

I picked it up from the framer on Monday (after all that I ended up just getting it mounted on foam core -- I didn't like the look of any of the non-million-dollar frame options -- less is best...and yes, I know that it's not protected from all the dangerous elements in my bathroom [read: excessive amounts of AquaNet], but I have a couple other non-OMGSAFE pieces of art in there and they're FINE, so r-lax Internet!) and last night I took down all the orange and went about the business of sassifying.

Except now that it's mostly done (I still need more art, but I have some cheap ideas) I don't really like it. While the poster's background is bubble gum pink, the orange-red of the design is definitely the bolder, more dominant color and I'm thinking I need to ditch the pink.

Besides, the pink and brown? Is very reminiscent of Baskin Robbins uniforms circa my childhood.

So now I'm on the hunt for the correct orangey-red towels.

The end.

Killers, Billy Joel & Cupcakes

2009-03-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was kinda blah but today? Whooooo boy...my Tuesday got off to an exciting start. I rolled up to my boot camp location at 5:29AM and saw a police line and a couple of not-the-standard-park-service-police-guy-who-usually-patrols-the-area police cars (one with a dog inside who was going APE SHIT).

The whole picnic area alongside the building was taped off:

Totally un-scenic workout area, don't you think?

BTW, Kristy & Jason -- juuuuust on the other side of that building is where I took you for pictures under the bridge!

That particular neck of the woods is really dark and creepy at night (or early morning) but there's also a steady stream of runners passing through so it's an awesome spot to kill someone, but you'd only have a few minutes to do it. Earlier in our session I thought for sure the plastic bags I saw shining in the moonlight were covering up severed body parts but as it got lighter outside they just looked like piles of junk.

So we don't know what the heck was going on, but there was lots of excitement out there this morning. And even though we don't think anybody was murdered out there last night, they did appear to be searching for someone in the tall grass as I drove in and I was still glad the coach didn't make us run up the mountain (where it's pitch black and you can't see more than a few feet in front of you) and into the hands of the killer. I'm sure our tired asses will be forced up that hill next time though.

In other news:

1. I bought Billy Joel (and Elton John) tickets yesterday! Joanie and I went to see Billy Joel a couple of years ago because it was an item on my life list and maaaaaaaaaan, that guy is one hell of an entertainer. Thank goodness for tax refunds because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to pay for the BAJILLION dollar tickets. Aren't you rich enough, Billy? Elton? Come ON.

2. I attended my "orientation" to house and dog sit for Ben & Sarah while they go on the vacation I planned for them. I'm a full-service travel advisor, I tell you. Travel planning AND house/dog sitting! Except maaaaaaaaaaaybe I forget that hotel rooms in Rome might be stupid expensive if you're there on EASTER SUNDAY. Doi. And maaaaaaaaaaaybe I don't notice that the cheap and easy ways of getting to Sorrento from Naples don't operate during the off-season. OOPS! Enjoy that commuter rail, kids!

2a. While I'm kickin' it at Casa de Slowsky I think I'm gonna entertain myself by trying to make these:

The only problem is that if all is successful, I'll be left with a gang of delicious things that I should not be eating and two of the people I might try to pass them off on will be in Italy.

3. Okay, blah blah blah. Killers, Billy Joel & cupcakes. I have work to do.

Easily Annoyed

2009-03-27T14:41:00.000-07:00

I had two pairs of headphones but one pair has up and disappeared (I think they might have been stolen off my desk but who does that?? They'd been INSIDE my ears! Grohhhhsss!) so now I'm stuck with my iPhone ear buds, which not only hurt my delicate little princess ears, but only one side of them actually works.

I ordered new ones but while I wait for them to arrive, I'm finding myself faced with a problem that I swear to goodness gracious makes me want to throw a hissy fit.

The problem:

There are two sinus snot suckers in the vacinity of my cube (in addition to the multiple coughers). These types of things get on my LAST DAMN NERVE because HELLO ASSHOLES, DO YOU THINK WE CAN'T HEAR YOU SLURPING THAT SNOT BACK INTO YOUR HEAD??????

Because OMG we totally can.

And I have an irrational HATRED for the offenders.

Especially this one guy (because the sinus suckers are ALWAYS men...I'm not talking about people with stuffy noses, although those are PLENTY annoying...I'm talking about how men make that chunky, hollow noise when they're, I can only assume, clearing their sinuses) sits on the clear other side of the building but I can still hear him.

And it's not even an occassional snot suck...it's like every 12 seconds.

And when I say "every 12 seconds" I'm not exaggerating. L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y every 12 seconds.

Which I know because I timed him.

Please let my new ear phone things HURRY THE HECK UP because otherwise I'm gonna march myself over to wherever that guy is and tell him that he's a nasty, inconsiderate jerk. And I swear to you, I do not care if he's sick or if this makes me more of an asshole than normal.

OMG OMG OMG!

I just thought of a more pressing issue:

I think this might be the last weekend of Girl Scout cookie season!!!!!!! OR WAS IT LAST WEEK!?!?!?

Crap sandwich. I just checked the WWW and cookie season IS over. It's for the best though...I certainly don't neeeeeeeeed more Samoas in my life.

Also pressing:

Nevermind...it's not that pressing and I just realized that it's late enough in the day that I can justify blowing this popsicle stand for the weekend. Next time I'll write about something that might lead to you believe that I'm at least SOMEWHAT likeable and pleasant to be around.

If I can think of something.

In the great words of Ms Britney Spears: "Make sure you catch me from my good side; Pick one."

2009-03-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

You know what's unfortunate about being 32?

Close up photos.

Don't get me wrong -- 32 is pretty great (all 2009-economy-related-things considered) and I wouldn't want to be 22 again but I just took a whole gang of self portraits with my phone and WHO IS THAT OLD, GRAY-HAIRED, WRINKLY, MASCULINE-LOOKING LADY WITH THE BAD HAIR!?!?!? I'm never wearing this sweater again.

My skin has definitely been looking less fresh in recent years but these close ups in flourescent light are not pretty and now I feel the same way I feel after looking at my skin in the magnifying mirror except without the knowledge that nooooooobody sees my skin at that magnification so if it looks okay at a normal distance, then it's okay. Because those pictures? I took them at arm's distance and plenty of people stand within arm's distance of me so plenty of people know that I look like an old, gray-haired, wrinkly, masculine-looking lady with bad hair. And that's not even counting the sitting-down-stomach-roll. Or the years-of-obesity-skin-sag.

I'm thinking I need to start looking for old men to date so they don't realize that I'm so old and haggard looking. Compared to a 75-year-old, I'll still be as fresh as a daisy.

And you know how they say that youth is wasted on the young? I totally get it, but because I'm still on the upswing of life (I hope), I probably only *think* I get it and that in 25 years I'll look back and tsk tsk for thinking that I could appreciate that thought at 32...which means that it's all downhill from here. Asthetically speaking, anyway.

Vanity aside, I expect the next 32 (dare I say 64?) years will be really awesome and way better than the first 32. Not to discount my childhood (and this is really sad and has me ALLLLLL choked up: the majority of years I will have spent with my parents), but the next 32 will surely be the years when I will watch my brothers have families, find someone to spend my life with, maybe have my own family. Those things are all supposed to be awesome so I'm looking forward to it but I'm kind of bummed that I'll have to do them all from under dry, tired-looking skin.

Things:

1. I hope I'm just experiencing the change-of-season skin freak out and that as soon as summer gets here I'll be looking as youthful and dewy as ever.

2. I hope that I do finally get around to losing eight million pounds so I can get my extra skin hacked off.

3. I can really feel the difference in my arm strength in recent months. All those push ups at boot camp are paying off because maaaaaaan, I can feel the toned muscles. Underneath all the fat. I want to say OMG FEEL MY GUNS but I can't because the gun feeler would have to get through all the fat and skin first and it wouldn't be very impressive at all...but BOY HOWDY, I can tell!

4. The downside to being 32 and single: Any man I date won't have been around to know me when I had youthful skin.

5. The upside to being 32 and single: Any man I date won't have had to put up with pain-in-the-ass 22-year-old Elizabeth Holt. He'll be MUCH happier with 32-year-old Elizabeth Holt. Assuming he can get over the saggy old lady thing.

6. As has been discussed in other forums lately, I spend too much time worrying about death. Not my actual death, actually, but mostly worrying about what would happen if I died tomorrow and didn't get a chance to do the breakfast dishes. OH, THE HORROR of people thinking I was dirty.

7. My All-Time #1 Fear: The deaths of my parents and brothers. And the PISSER is that unless I die first, I will eventually have to face this fear.

8. My #2 All-Time Fear: That I'll be alone when #7 happens. I know there will be friends and family there, but that's not what I mean.

9. DOWNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I know. Here's a remedy:

Baby Grady helps my mom get back into baby-feeding practice:

It should be illegal to be this cute:

My friend CK is the sweetest. He sent me for-no-reason flowers...my favorite kind:

And truth be told, I surely do NOT want to look 17 again:

I need a new party rental place.

2009-03-19T15:53:00.001-07:00

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, Williams Party Rental...you're making my blood pressure rise.

Renting all the stuff for Sarah's bridal shower last year was so easy! I needed 35 water glasses, you brought me 35 water glasses. Like magic!

Now I'm trying to rent stuff for Andrew & Laurina's baby BBQ and you're making me want to throw my computer out the window! It appears that it's now impossible to order 35 water glasses because they have to be ordered in multiples of 25...but okay, ending up with 50 water glasses isn't the end of the world, even if it's a pretty obvious way of squeezing more money out of me.

The thing that REALLY gets my goat is the new coffee cup and saucer policy. I ordered 15 coffee cups and 15 saucers. Because THEY GO TOGETHER, duh. They "corrected" my order to reflect 16 coffee cups because you now have to rent coffee cups in multiples of 16, but they didn't update the number of saucers. I was like dude, I don't *want* to pay you for an extra saucer, but you might as well throw in another one so I can, like, actually USE that extra cup.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, INTERNET?

They only rent saucers in multiples of FIVE.

So really, if I want to have an equal number of cups and saucers, I need to rent them in multiples of EIGHTY. I'm sure there's someone out there whose OCD would FLIP THE HELL OUT at this imbalance but I will do my best to take a deep breath not let it bother me. I want to tell them to suck it, but it's a pointless battle over 45 cents and besides, it's allllllll for the baby.

Samoas = environmental responsibility

2009-03-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

If anyone at work actually talked to me then somebody might say "Hey Elizabeth! How was your weekend?" and I'd say "OMG it was great! I went to a party I still don't understand and got a free Nintendo DS, I ate Girl Scout cookies and recycled my old TV!"

But they don't talk to me so I'm going to share the fun and excitement with you, Internet:

1. My friend Sarah invited Carrie and me to a party in a sexy event space in the Dogpatch where we were promised food and drinks and free Nintendo DS video game things. So we show up, they hand us each a Nintendo charm bracelet (seriously...I'll betcha didn't even know such things existed!) and tell us that the goal is to play the game at each station, collect each of the charms for our bracelets and then we'd get a prize. So, okay...we can do that. We got ourselves some wine and sat down at the first station to play Mario Kart.

By the end of the party we'd played Mario Kart (it's more fun on my brother's Wii, but even then, I have a limited attention span), Guitar Hero (I *suck* at the real Guitar Hero, but I was able to actually finish a couple of songs on the Nintendo DS version of it...thank you, Bon Jovi!), a game with word puzzles that was REALLY FREAKING HARD -- especially after a few glasses of wine, and the game about testing your brain age (my brain age, by the way, is a youthful 54).

The prize:

On the drive home Carrie and I were talking about how that party was a guy gamer's fantasy: A room full of attractive women playing video games. ManicPopSteve, I'm looking at you.

Fun Facts:

The four or five chicks who ran the party don't even live in SF, which was a surprise to me. I thought this was a bay area thing but no -- they live all over the country and they travel to different cities all the time.

I'd totally want that job except that really, how exciting is it to stand around and watch other people play video games? Not very. Plus, the uniform wouldn't fit me.

They were all wearing the same black wrap dress and the same black sling back heels and the same black Gucchi fanny packs.

Anyway, there's lots of stuff I still don't understand about that party but at the end of the day, I had a good time and my brother is getting my free NintendoDS. Winners all around!

Thanks to Sarah for inviting me!!

2. Other than the gaming, the only thing on my agenda for the weekend was to stalk the Girl Scouts in San Francisco and find me some Samoas. I was successful, but I had to leave my multi-cultural neighborhood and go to where the rich white folks live, but daaaaaaamn those Samoas were totally worth the effort. $4 for 15 Nilla Wafer sized cookies? No problem.

3. On my way out of my neighborhood I passed by a big truck with a big sign that said "FREE ELECTRONICS RECYCLING." I've had my big, giant, broken TV sitting in my entry way for a few weeks because getting rid of these things is a PAIN. The plan was for me to work from home some day soon so that Carrie could help me haul it to the recycling center during its LAME business hours (something like 915-1130AM and 200-345PM Monday through Friday) but SHOOT! If I could figure out how to get the TV into my car, I could cross the whole thing off my list!

So after I scored my Samoas I went home to see if I could even lift the TV by myself. It turned out that yes, I could...but would I be able to get it into the elevator, down the garage stairs and into my car all by myself?

YES!

The TV has now been recycled, it didn't cost me a penny and I owe it all to the Girl Scouts because without the draw of the lovely Samoas, I never would have left the house and I would still have a GIANT TV sitting in my entry way.

Samoas = environmental responsibility.

It's a dog SAVE dog world out there.

2009-03-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

Sappy video that even pre-Dave Elizabeth would have been choked up by:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HJTG6RRN4E

I'd embed it but YouTube has some sort of newfangled embedding thing going on and I couldn't figure it out and now you have to click the link OH NO.

I love cable television stars.

2009-03-06T10:10:00.001-08:00

It's common knowledge that I totally have a thing for Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs. He's definitely on the outer edge of my acceptable dating age range but HOLY COW if he asked me out on a hot date I'd probably die of heart palpitations before we even got past the appetizer.

I've never met him (even though we live in the same city -- CALL ME, MIKE ROWE!) so it's totally possible that he's not all he's cracked up to be but I just watched this video of a speech he gave and I'm even more smitten than before:

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/mike_rowe_celebrates_dirty_jobs.html

It's 20 minutes long which is well past my internet video watching attention span, but A) it's Mike Rowe and B) he's a great speaker and I was sucked in right off the bat. The point he's making about blue collar workers is awesome and I'm even more of a fan now than I was before. Unfortunately, my track record with celebrities isn't that awesome so I'm sure if I did run into him I'd be a total spaz.

Pre-enactment:

ME: OMG I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE BLUE COLLAR WORKERS TOO WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Mike Rowe: Here's a restraining order, now go get in your Cabriolet* and go to the mall.

ME: CALL ME! LOVEYOUBYE!

* I don't actually drive a Cabriolet, but I recognize that I look like I do.

Backhanded compliment I hear most frequently: "When I first met you I thought you were going to be a bitch but you're SO not and now I really like you!"

Um, thanks.

But back to the matter at hand: Mike Rowe is my celebrity boyfriend in a totally NON-restraining order kind of way, I swear. You should watch the video even though it's 20 minutes long because it's Friday and you're killing time until the weekend anyway.

Thanks to Cat for the link!

Things:

2009-03-04T20:56:00.001-08:00

1. I ate a whole TON of beets for dinner and now my tongue is RED:
It's always pointy though.

2. I won the tax refund lottery. THANK THE SWEET BABY JESUS. Now I can get my oil changed, have a couple of pictures framed, get my hair cut, pay for my dry cleaning and then still have enough money left to have my family over for dinner. I'm a high roller, yo.

3. I made the mistake of opening the Pottery Barn catalog that came in the mail today. I would have lived a perfectly happy life not knowing that this duvet cover existed but now that I do, it's going to TORTURE ME to not buy it because it matches my apartment soooo beautifully:

I'm putting it on my birthday list and maybe it'll still be available then. YOU SEE HOW FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE I AM NOW, INTERNET? It's crazy.

3a. Gawd...going to the Pottery Barn site looking for that picture was also a BAD idea because now I see 85 million other duvet covers that I NEED. My mom buys a new duvet cover every couple of weeks so I can't help being drawn to them...it's in my blood.

3b. My friend Christa couldn't figure out why I got two duvet covers for Christmas because who in the heck needs more than one?? Except that don't forget, my mother is English and they change duvet covers every time they change they change their sheets so that's the way I've always done it too.

4. Another nugget of proof of my financial responsibility: I came home from work and didn't really have much to eat and I was feeling flush at the news of my tax refund lottery winnings so I decided to treat myself and be lazy and order Chinese food. I got my credit card out and I sat down at the WWW to view the menu and decided that YOU KNOW WHAT, SELF? You're not DYING for Chinese food so why feel gross and greasy and spend money you don't actually have yet when you *could* eat a Lean Cuisine and roast those beets you bought the other day. So I did. I ate the Weight Watcher friendly and FREE meal.

I WIN!

5. The blind guy on American Idol makes me nervous with his awkward close leaning into Ryan like they're gonna kiss or something. And the scared look on his face too -- his brother needs to teach him not to look SO! ALERT! And he needs a haircut, but that's not his fault.

I do not love bacon in ALL forms.

2009-02-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

I said I didn't want this blog to be about bacon because I think the whole OMG BACON ON EVERYTHING INCLUDING BAND-AIDS AND SHOES AND DENTAL FLOSS AND BOOZE thing kinda jumped the shark and I never intended for the whole "Elizabeth Loves Bacon" thing to be a THEME...just a statement of fact.

So anyway, no bacon lamp shades or wallets or whatever for me, but I DO have two bacon-related items to report:

1. I do not like bacon doughnuts. Carrie and I went to Dynamo Donuts in search of a spiced chocolate (or chocolate spice?) doughnut so I could cross #54 off my list but they didn't have any. FAIL. But they did have the bacon doughnuts so I tried one of those.

I've had bacon pancakes before and they were awesome so I figured that a bacon doughnut with maple frosting would be even better because seriously, fry ANYTHING and it's better.

But no. Not these babies:

It was just very blah. SO blah, in fact, that I put the rest of the doughnut back into the bag and suggested that we go to REAL brunch instead. So we did.

2. I will be making bacon caramel corn sometime soon. I hate cooking bacon at home because I can't stand the smell that lingers, but I think this popcorn might be worth it. Full report later.

3 down, 97 to go.

2009-02-13T12:33:00.001-08:00

Okay so I'm OBSESSED with making progress on the list of 100 things to try in SF before you die.

I'm up to three so far:

#92. The bacon-wrapped hot dog, which I already blahblahblah'd about.

#60. The Brass Monkey (sausage, feta and spinach pizza) at Little Star Pizza, which was super tasty but was also part of a lovely night out with Tony and John. We decided that we were gonna race to the finish with this list and so far, I think I'm in second place which is shameful because I believe I've lived in SF longer than John has.

#44. A cannele from one of the Bay Bread locations. It was something I'd NEVER have tried otherwise (a cake without frosting holds ZERO appeal) but it was so good that I've since been back for a SECOND one and I keep thinking that I'll have to pick one up for my mom one of these days because I think she'd like it.

And after this weekend I'll have a few more notches on my belt:

#88. Buckwheat crepe and a French cider at Ti Couz. I've eaten here before but I don't believe I've ever had a buckwheat crepe or a French cider so guess what I'm having for dinner tonight when I meet up with my old pal Santa Amy Lou? They also have French onion soup and I've never tried theirs, but A) I LOVE French onion soup and B) doesn't French onion soup sound fantastic on a cold, rainy night??

#76. Chicken hash at Ella's. I brunched at Ella's back before I even moved to SF but chicken hash is another one of those things I'd never consider ordering. I'm gonna order it anyway because I love crossing things off lists and I can't help myself. Plus, Sarah and Laurina are coming into the city to see me tomorrow and Ella's is a popular brunch spot so why not cross something off my list at the same time?

#54. Spiced-chocolate doughnut at Dynamo Donut with a Four Barrel coffee. My TV currently requires the viewer to turn it on and off somewhere between 11 and 15 times before it will stay on (it used to be only 2-3 times...it's getting worse) and Carrie has a spare TV that she's trying to unload because she doesn't want to deal with the digital TV conversion thing and she's kind enough to hand it down to ME (because if you've priced TVs these days you know the days of the $300 TV are GONE GONE GONE). Sooooo, we're gonna swap out the TVs on Sunday and then haul mine down to the electronics recycling center and somewhere in there we're gonna go get us some doughnuts and coffee!

Fun fact: This place also offers BACON doughnuts. And lemon-thyme doughnuts. It's gonna be a doughnut bonanza.

Fine Dining at My Desk

2009-02-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

1. I am eating an expired off-brand frozen diet dinner that I took out of my parents' freezer. It is not delicious.

2. The two things that I believe burp up the WORST of all other foods on the planet:

* dijon mustard

* raw broccoli

Luckily, I've only eaten one of these items today.

3D Technology

2009-02-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

This post in one of the blogs I read is about the different 3D glasses necessary for different applications and I was reminded of a similar conversation my family had during the Superbowl -- half of us with our superbowl-related 3D glasses on while the other half waited for their turn (another reason Tivo is awesome). My dad commented that someone should sell non-throw-away 3D glasses because, I guess, you never know when a 3D viewing opportunity will arise.

Well Dad, we are clearly 3D novices because my suggestion that you go out and make your millions on non-throw-away 3D glasses was a bad one -- I had no idea there was more than one color combo for 3D glasses...but now, thanks to the magic of the internet, I know we'll never be millionaires.

Because of our non-throw-away 3D glasses business, anyway.

But anyway, this gives me reason enough to tell another 3D glasses realted story from the Superbowl:

Toward the end of the second quarter my brother Andrew jumped up and ran out to his car and returned with a page of punch-out 3D glasses and frantically started trying to separate them in time for the half-time 3D commerical bonanza. He sucked at this, by the way, but I think it's because he didn't grow up punching paper dolls and alllllllll of their clothing (with alllllllllllllllllllllllllll those little holder-onner-tabs on them) out of paper doll books. His Star Wars toys came pre-clothed, and all.

(But OMG I had this one paper doll who had a magnet in her torso and the clothes just stuck to her and I LOVED her even though her fringed denim catsuits and long, floral, hippie dresses weren't as stylish as my Barbie paper doll clothes. Even her hair was out of date -- Barbie had her BIG! GIANT! BLONDE! HAIR! and this doll's hair was long and brown and straight and parted down the middle...but maaaan, that's one thing from my childhood that I wish I'd kept.)

So after 75 hours, he handed the first pair of glasses over to my mom who commented that the left side said LEFT and the right side said RIGHT and I was like "Uhhh...I'd think the ear straps would be the main indicators that I had them on right, DUH."

OR SO YOU'D THINK, anyway.

Because once the 3D commercial came on my mom said that it didn't look very 3D to her and it took her several seconds to realize HER GLASSES WERE ON BACKWARDS.

And then when we handed off the glasses and rewound the commercials for others to see and my brother did the same damn thing.

I'm sure it's just that the ear straps got folded the wrong way, but it cracks me up to think of my mom wearing 3D glasses in the first place, so my mom wearing backwards 3D glasses is AWESOME.

Bacon-wrapped hot dogs ARE delicious.

2009-01-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

I just read about a list of 100 things to eat in San Francisco before you die and while I've been to several of the places on the list, I seem to have ordered the wrong things because the ONLY thing on this list that I've eaten is #92: The Bacon-wrapped hot dog from a cart in the Mission (preferably when you’re drunk).

I can report that:

A. It was the best hot dog I'd ever eaten in my whole entire life, and that's saying something because my parents always bought hot dogs from the deli -- not the vaccuum packed meat section at Safeway.

B. I had been drinking.

Baltimore Bonanza

2009-01-23T13:17:00.000-08:00

Now that I have the inauguration post out of the way I can tell you all about the rest of my adventure on the east coast.

JFK was snowy:

I couldn't sleep AT ALL on my red eye flight so I arrived at my final destination ALLLLLLLLLL bleary-eyed and unable to complete full sentences. Luckily, the only thing on our agenda for the day was BOTTOMLESS MIMOSA BRUNCH. Those three words, in that order, are my favorite three words ever.

We went to Kooper's Tavern in the Fell's Point area of Baltimore for BOTTOMLESS MIMOSA BRUNCH. Our waitress warned us that the window for bottomless mimosas ended in an hour and fifteen minutes (stupid flight was delayed because of all that bastard snow in NY), but we are career mimosa drinkers and DON'T YOU WORRY -- we got our $10's worth. And then some. We finally hit the mimosa wall after like five pitchers. Divided by 4 people.

Brunch was followed by shopping in some CUTE stores that, if I was sober and/or not going on 30 hours without sleeping, I would have enjoyed a lot more. Instead, I found a display couch and parked my butt.

We eventually made it back to Danielle and Mike's house where I enjoyed a shower and the best nap EVER. Rejuvinated, CK and Danielle and I ventured out onto the FROZEN TUNDRA to get dinner. The thing that is equal parts awesome and dangerous about CK is that you go "Crab dip and ice cream both sound really good right now" and the next thing you know, you're at a DESERTED grocery store (it was during the Steelers/Ravens game and these people take their football VERY seriously) throwing $30 worth of crab and boxes and boxes of things to deep fry into Danielle's cart. Normally I just go "Crab dip and ice cream both sound really good right now" but I'm too lazy to do anything about it so I have a bowl of cereal.

So we had my idea of the PERFECT dinner: APPETIZERS! Fried ones, even.

And cheeeeese!

The best worst chips I've ever tried:

They put Old Bay on EVERYTHING out there.

Orange you glad for change?

One thing we DIDN'T buy:

What the heck, cookie decorators??

So despite being EXHAUSTED, I had a really great day.

The next day was also awesome because I was in the same company but also because IT SNOWED:

We spent some time oggling our fancy train tickets for the next day:

And then went to lunch at a wacky diner where dusting must be a full time job:

It was right around the corner from the bakery in Ace of Cakes, but I totally wussed out and didn't want to get out of the car to have my picture taken. I could blame the cold but really, I was embarrassed. So instead, we only did a drive-by:

After that, Danielle took CK and me on a driving tour of Baltimore. There are TONS AND TONS of quaint brick buildings and it took me a minute to figure out that I think ANYTHING with brick buildings is quaint because we don't have brick buildings in CA.

Another factoid I discovered while touring the Baltimore area: It was late January and people still had their Christmas decorations up. Lights on and everything. Some even had Christmas AND Valentines decorations up. What's up with that, Maryland??

We decided to brave the FRIGID, FRIGID COLD and hike up a "hill" that looked out over the Baltimore harbor. Danielle was like "Would you rather climb up the stairs (she knew my thighs were BURNING from boot camp abuse) or take the path up the hill?" and I couldn't figure out what hill she was talking about because all I saw was a gentle slope. It's the San Francisco in me, I'm sure.

Here they are standing at the bottom of the mountain:

(And okay, in that picture it defintely looks hilly'er.)

With CK at the summit:

The harbor was frozen:

Danielle and I both have dandruff problems:

Then, after a couple of trips to Target (or before? I don't remember), the three of us had pedicures:

I swear, as soon as I win the lottery I'm getting that stupid tattoo removed.

And then because you can't go to Maryland without eating crab, we went out for some famous crab cakes, where we ate too much and then came home and followed the crab cakes up with more ice cream before we set the alarm for 3:30AM and hit the hay.

[insert inauguration bonanza here]

And then I went home. Tired but inspired. And missing my friends. Wah.

Elizabeth Goes to the Inauguration FAQ:

2009-01-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

Q1. Was it SUPER cold?

A1. Yes. And when I say "yes" I don't mean in that "OH MAH GAH I'm from California and anything below 60 degrees is FUH-REEEEZING!" kind of way. I mean it like "OH MAH GAH it was SO COLD that I have never been so ACTUALLY concerned for my physical wellbeing ever before in my life."

Seriously you guys, it was cold. The day before the inauguration, Danielle took CK and I on a tour of Baltimore (where I weenied out about taking a picture of myself in front of the Ace of Cakes bakery because I was embarrassed) and we spent about seven minutes walking along a path that looked out over the harbor, taking pictures, and walking back and that was pretty darn cold and I had trouble looking at the view because the wind was blowing the falling snow directly into my eyeballs, but it was only seven minutes and I knew the luxury of Danielle's Saturn was waiting to warm us at the end of our excursion into the elements.

So drop the temperature ten degrees and stand around outside for HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS without ANYWHERE to go for warmth and not only are you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY cold, but you're also starting to freak out a little bit. And then you think about how badly you want to give up and go home. Except you can't because there is LITERALLY no way for that to happen. Your phone doesn't work because of the couple other million cell phones out there so you can't even call your dad to come and rescue you, and even if you could call him, he wouldn't be able to help you, which is crazy because I've always known that my dad could save me from anything.

So you decide to sit down. Except you don't have anything to sit on and yes, you might not be thinking very clearly (confusion is a symptom of hypothermia, I've since learned) but you're wearing your mom's very fancy wool and cashmere coat and the ground is covered with dirt and dried grass and you have the clarity to know that sitting directly on the ground is not an option but then you remember that you have an emergency poncho in your bag so you unfold it and park your ass down on the frozen ground.

So now you're probably freezing yourself from the ass upwards but you don't care. You want it to be over. The only part of your body that is warm are the palms of your hands because HOLY COW those hand warmers work like a CHARM. So you sit there and try to wait it out while the crowd fills in around you and a few other people sitting on plastic bags or blankets around you.

While you're down there, willing time to pass so it could be time to go already, you try WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT not to start shivering because once you do, you know it's OVER so you get the great idea to put a spare set of toe warmers IN YOUR BRA. To warm your core, and all. Ignore the warnings about avoiding direct skin contact with the toe warmers and enjoy the warmth. (Note: The warnings had merit. I still have toe warmer shaped red marks on my boobs.)

They started playing the Sunday night Lincoln Memorial concert on the big screen right when we got there and eventually, high on the warmth of my chestular region, I decided to stand up and join the crowd in enjoying the show.

So I was up, people were dancing and rejoicing and having fun. Me? What was I doing? I was fading in and out of a standing sleep. I'd catch myself right before I'd fall over and I started thinking that maybe I wasn't sleeping. Was I fainting? I don't know. I've never come anywhere close to fainting before. I'm a battle axe. I'm my mother's daughter. But I do know that I had to hold onto consciousness like the lap bar on a roller coaster. What to do?? Don't freak anyone out. Eat something. OOh, CK is eating beef jerky. Maybe nitrates will do me good. Mmmm, beef jerky. So a few sips of water and a chunk of beef jerky later I was feeling better. Still totally cold and miserable, but better. Like, I was capable of standing up without nearly toppling over.

But I'll tell ya: It did occur to me that maybe I shouldn't try so hard NOT to faint because if I DID faint, at least I'd get my ass carried out of there and I'd be able to regroup in a warm ambulance. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? Except that later that night a couple other posse members admitted that they had the same thought: If they could get hurt, they'd at least be able to get warm.

So yes, it was cold.

Brian took this picture, which I think speaks volumes:

Q2: But was it awesome?

A2: Yes. But also no. I'll be honest with you: I didn't feel the heart-swelling, goosebump-inducing pride I felt back in November when they called the election for Obama but really, dying of hypothermia is kind of distracting.

But yes, it was awesome. I was happy for all the people around me, happy for the country, looking forward to the future, etc. It kind of felt like Christmas and how how happy I am to be giving people I love presents that make them happy.

Also, it was pretty damn awesome to be a part of something so big. Big in terms of logistics, but mostly, big in terms of what it all means for America. I love that so many people have fallen back in love with their country.

Q3: Who did you go with?

A3: My friends Mike & Danielle opened up their new house in the Baltimore suburbs to a whole gaggle of us for the weekend and we all attended the inauguration together and MAGICALLY, also managed to STAY together. So it was Mike & Danielle, Brian, Louise, their daughter Amelia and her friend Amanda -- all from West Virginia, my beloved CK from Texas and ME!

My friend Sonya was also in town for the big event and was due to take the same inbound train as the rest of my posse. I saw her for a split second as I was boarding the train and she looked happy and excited to be there and I hugged her but I had to continue moving and I thought I'd see her again when we got off the train. I didn't see her again and the fact that I assumed I would was just so mind-blowingly naieve. She was one in 1.8 million.

I am really happy I did see her for that moment though.

Q4: Did you watch the parade?

A4: No, but in retrospect, I wish we had. We kept trying to get back to Union Station so we could get out of the cold and find something to eat but every police man we (Danielle) asked sent us in a different direction and each time, we found ourselves at another dead end. We'd walked ONE MILLION MILES at this point and yeah, people were hungry and cranky and at their wits end, but we had somehow stumbled upon the verrrry beginning of the parade route (like, 20 feet from the gate to the capitol) where there were (gasp!) places to sit and the crowd was only one or two people deep. Our options appeared to be:

* Walk ONE MILLION MILES back and around, where we had no guarantee that we'd even be able to get to where we were going.

* Sit down and watch the parade. Heck, we still had nearly four hours before our train was supposed to leave and I'd certainly love to see Obama up close.

But just as I was convincing the posse that we should just make lemonade out of lemons, the police broke into the parade route and we made a run for it.

I can't decide if that was a good move or a bad move. If we had stayed, we'd have seen the Obamas with our own eyes but then we would have been MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH further back in the multiple thousand person line to get into the train station and we wouldn't have made it onto the first train after the station reopened (more on that later). On the other hand, heading straight over put us smack dab in the biggest FIASCO I'd ever been a part of, but we did get on the first train.

Q5: What is this Epic Train Fiasco of '09?

A5: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. It was epic.

So, we got to the train station and found that the main entrance was closed (for an inaugural ball that was due to take place later that night) and the crowd to get into the side door was PACKED and NOT MOVING. Then it turned out that we WEREN'T going to move because the train station got shut down by the fire marshall because it was overcrowded but OH HEY the doors were blocked by thousands of people who were trying to get IN so the people inside couldn't get OUT.

EVERYBODY TURN AROUND, they said. Okay. Sure thing. Except that in order for all those people to TURN AROUND, they all have to be willing to cooperate and they have to UNDERSTAND, which was one of the main problems. I heard someone in the crowd comment that of ALL the cops standing around watching the crowd, NONE OF THEM had a megaphone?!?!?!

After like an hour of inching and shoving, we were out of the mob and LOOK! SOMEWHERE TO SIT!

But then it quickly turned into a big, confusing mess again and we ended up spending the next couple of hours standing in a crushing crowd of people who were generally pretty good natured, but annoyed because this guy doesn't know how to use a megaphone:

He kept pointing it up to the sky and the crowd would organize themselves to shout WE CAN'T HEAR YOU and the DHS guy would smirk and chew his gum and look cocky and then point his megaphone up in the air again and ug, it was frustrating, but EVENTUALLY they cleared the station (except for, as it turns out, my friend Sonya who was one of the people on the inside and who refused to leave because it was unsafe) and they let us back in and BY THE GRACE OF GOD, we got on the train and went back to Baltimore.

Despite my near meltdown earlier in the day, I was pretty okay during the whole train thing. All the bodies crushed against mine warmed me up enough and I was just going with the flow. The only answer was to just be cooperative. There was nowhere else to go -- no shelter, no food, no other answer than to just keep on keepin' on. So I did.

I mean, seriously, look at all the people behind me:

But then the next day we heard about all the people who never even made it to the mall because they got stuck in a tunnel and we decided that being stuck outside is A MILLION times better than being stuck in that tunnel. Plus, it sounds like just about everyone experienced the same HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF HERE challenges that we did, so we weren't alone in our plight.

Q6: Would you go again?

A6: NO. It was a really exciting life experience and I'm SO GLAD I was able to go and be a part of it and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it was also one of the hardest days of my life and I can't imagine VOLUNTARILY being that cold ever again. And it's not like I was woefully underdressed or anything -- I was wearing two shirts, a fleece jacket, a big warm coat, hat, scarf, neck warmer, fleece gloves and jeans. If I could do it again, I'd have worn thicker socks and probably also my puffy vest that everyone makes fun of me for, but even then, I don't think I would have been warm enough.

PICTURES:

Parking in Baltimore:

Pre-Dawn Capitol Building:

Totally fake looking, no?

Bottleneck:

Our Spot:

We were between the Capitol Building and the Washington Monument:

The garbage people left was DISGUSTING:

I heard the term "post-apocolyptic" a few times throughout the course of the day:

Fun Fact: Of all the folks we saw at MSNBC, Rachel Maddow was the HANDS DOWN FAVORITE:

I had no idea who she was until a couple of weeks ago but people of all ages and ethnicities kept coming up and going OH WOW! RACHEL MADDOW!

Sorry, Rachel Maddow, for that unflattering picture, btw. You're way cuter than that.

Getting closer to the Capitol Building:

The walk and the celebrity sightings warmed me up and my mood improved and I took 75 million self portraits of me and half of the Capitol Building:

But most of them turned out to be of me and the porta potties:

Other Fun Facts:

1. Did you know that people still wore fur coats? They're like THE choice in outerwear for the older black ladies. With coordinating head pieces and everything. I couldn't even tell you how many I saw -- thousands, easily. And underneath the fur, almost all of them were wearing sweatshirts with rhinestones on them. It was a fascinating fashion lesson for me, I tell you.

2. If you happen to be Facebook friends with Danielle or Brian you should go look at their pictures because HOLY COW those two take some fine ass pictures...unlike me with my EasyShot something-or-other.

3. My face is peeling from the cold. Give my scalp about a week or so and it'll follow suit, which will be AWESOME.

4. We saw Garrison Keillor! He was one of the people who managed to get across the parade route with us and when I got to the other side I stood there hoping to see seven familiar faces emerge from the crowd, I saw Garrison Keillor crossing. I was like "Hmmm. That sure does look like Garrison Keillor. Oh wait. That dude is asking him for an autograph. It IS Garrison Keillor." If I'd had my camera handy and if he hadn't been walking away from me I would have asked for a photo because I know my parents would get a kick out of it (they're big Lake Woebegone fans from way back) but instead I saw some members of my posse and pointed him out.

And seriously, if you needed more proof that we're a bunch of NERDS, Garrison Keillor might as well have been Beyonce.

5. If you haven't seen the satellite picture, you should go look at it. It's pretty damn amazing. I believe we were about here:

Bottom Line:

It was exceptional.

I totally used a calculator to figure out what 16 x 3 =.

2009-01-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

It's too bad the majority of my posse turned 32 in 2008 because I don't think I can remember to send this to them for their 48th birthdays:

Why the park across from my apartment isn't as lovely as it may appear.

2009-01-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

This happened five blocks from my house.

For the click-adverse:

(01-08) 17:49 PST SAN FRANCISCO --

Three men were arrested after someone opened fire on mourners outside the funeral for a homicide victim this afternoon in the Western Addition, San Francisco police said.

No one was hit in the shooting at 1:25 p.m. at Fillmore Street and Golden Gate Avenue, which happened as friends and relatives of 18-year-old Lazarus "Buddy" Pickett were leaving his memorial service, police said.

Officers who had been monitoring the service seized a Tech 9 assault weapon and arrested two 21-year-old men and a third man, age 20, said police Sgt. Wilfred Williams. Their names have not been released.

Pickett was stabbed to death Dec. 30 outside the Plaza East public housing development on Larch Way in the Western Addition, in what authorities described as the outgrowth of domestic violence.

DeEbony Smith, 27, with whom Pickett had a baby daughter, was arrested and has been charged with murder.

Awesome.

Even better? The original murder in this sequence of events took place THREE blocks from my house.

YAY!

I mean, that's not a surprise or anything -- I live across from the beginning of several blocks of projects and the last time I looked at the SF homicide map there were a GAGGLE of them in that same neck of the woods:

View Larger Map

Picture Post!

2009-01-03T13:53:00.000-08:00

I just uploaded the pictures off my camera so here ya go:

1. This was one of my Christmas presents and it was SO not like my mom to do this, so I loved it:

It was a box with 20 or so pictures of boots that had been cut out of the newspaper (who knew there were so many boots to be found in the paper??) and underneath them all:

was a check for boot camp.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwl, thanks Mom.

2. Today's lunch making process.

The ingredients:

The simmering:

Getting a chicken soup facial:

The dumplings have been added:

The end result:

It wasn't as totally ASS KICKIN' delicious as the soup I made last week, but this one (from Cooking Light) was definitely worth making again. And next time I'll make sure I have all the ingredients, but FYI, the dumplings come out just fine without the baking powder and the parsley.

My San Francisco To Do List

2009-01-03T12:42:00.000-08:00

So now that I'm officially moving out of SF in 2009, there's more pressure to do the things I've always wanted to do, but never got around to. I started a list of things to do in the city while I was unemployed and I did a whole bunch of them:

Go to the Wave Organ (I've since been three or four times...not because the Wave Organ itself is THAT awesome, but because I love how far away and hidden it feels)
Walk to Cottage Row
Go up to Sutro Tower
Go on bunches of walking tours
Go to SF MOMA
Go to the DeYoung Museum (I ended up going once on my own and once with my posse to see the Chihuly exhibit)
Go to the Legion of Honor
Go to the opera
Go to a Giants game
Go to the Audium

The unchecked items include:

Go to 826 Valencia
Climb the 16th Avenue Steps
Visit Ina Coolbrith Park
Slide down the Seward Street Slides
Visit the Asian Art Museum
Go on more walking tours, specifically the ones in my 'hood.

I did most of the things I actually crossed off my list in my early retirement days. By the time I hit summer, I started to sink into a funk and motivating myself to get out and about was really difficult, but I did knock out a few more City Walks right before I started back to work.

So that second set of bullets? I WILL accomplish before I move. I dunno when that is, exactly, but I'm guessing it'll be late summer / early fall.

I'm angling to move into Joanie's old cottage in Campbell, but there's someone living there now so we all have to cross our fingers that Chuck's current tenant moves her ass after June but before, say, November. I have no reason to believe that she will, but I've been laying awake at night thinking about how awesome it would be to live there -- it's a teeny tiny two bedroom free-standing granny cottage type place, but with TONS of storage and a washer and dryer and it would be like my own little house...and ever since Ben and Sarah moved into their little house, I'm DYING to stretch my legs and have a house with a driveway and a yard.

And seriously? Is this was 32-year-olds fantasize about? Storage and washers and dryers?

You bet.

And OMG if the universe smiles down on me and I DO get to move into that little house?!!?? GUESS WHO VOLUNTEERS TO HOST CINCO DE MAYO 2010?!?!?!

Things

2008-12-30T09:13:00.001-08:00

Awesome Things:

1. Creamy Wild Rice and Mushroom Soup from the latest issue of Rachael Ray Magazine. I hate to use this word because RR is way over the top with it (and most of her stupid made up words), but it really is more of a stoup than a soup:

The recipe serves six, but I used the WW recipe calculator to figure out the points if I doubled the serving size and omitted the oil and used whole milk instead of heavy cream and a HUGE serving is only 8 WW points. Like, it was SO BIG that I could have eaten half of it and been perfectly happy. Another tip: The box of rice I bought had a seasoning packet in it so I threw it into the soup too and it was all very tasty. Next time I make this I'll use the seasoning packet again, but I'd omit the salt in the recipe.

2. Sean Penn's Into the Wild. I don't know how it ended up on my Netflix list, but I sat down to watch it yesterday and maaaaaaaaaan...it was the best movie I've seen in a while. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who's gonna RUSH OUT at my suggestion and see it, but I totally get why Chris McCandless would go out there. Even *I*, the Queen of All Things Clean and Organized, sometimes wonder why I allow society, the law, other people, whatever to tell me what I can and can not do. I am a human being and I am part of nature. But then I remember that I *like* society and order and that I am not a caveman.

But maybe in my next life, I dunno.

Things that are Tasty but Require too Much Effort:

1. The Pioneer Woman's cinnamon rolls. The rolling process was way oozier than depicted on TPW's website and the mess was UNLIKE NO OTHER, what with all that sugar and melted butter all over my counters, but ultimately, the cinnamon rolls are good. Are they mind blowingly amazing? Maybe, if you like cinnamon rolls, but since I'm not a HUGE fan, they were just okay. Definitely not worth the time or the mess unless you know someone who REALLY likes homemade cinnamon rolls.

And also? One of my least favorite scents EVER IN THE WORLD? Maple. Like if I eat pancakes I have to wash the dishes IMMEDIATLEY because I can't stand the smell of old syrup...so when I came home from boot camp this morning and opened the door and was hit with a wall of maple funk from the glaze, I choked.

Things that, Initially, are NOT Awesome, but that Turn Out Okay:

1. Sitting in HORRENDOUS San Francisco traffic for 90 minutes, all to go three miles to my old boss's house for a mini cocktail party. He lives right in the middle of all the onramps to the Bay Bridge and there was a five car pile up on the bridge last night so OH DEAR GOD it was horrible. I would have just bailed and gone home except that A) I was trapped and B) I was 50% of the guests. I ended up being super late, but it was nice to see them so I'm glad I hung in there.

1a. I accidentally got on the bridge when I left his apartment and I didn't want to drive ALL THE WAY to Oakland only to have to cough up $4 for the toll and drive back, but once you're on a one-way street leading to the bridge and only the bridge, you're kinda stuck. Luckily, I used my awesome brain power to remember that I could get off on Treasure Island and turn around for free, so I did, but I wish I had someone with me because BOY HOWDY the view of SF from TI at night was awesome. It's the same view as from the other side of the bridge, I suppose, but closer. Plus, all the buildings still have their Christmas lights up so it was really beautiful.

2. Getting up before dawn, talking yourself into going to boot camp and driving out to Kezar Stadium, only to find yourself there, standing in the 45 degree fog with five other women, only to get stood up by the coach. But really, just getting out there is half the battle so one chick left, but the rest of us ran around the track, did some dips and pushups and abs and BADA BING -- I earned myself a workout sticker for my calendar.

Things I am Doing Today:

1. Driving down to The Jo with Carrie so she can get her hairs did while I run errands and then we're meeting up with Christa and Kaki for the annual drive through Vasona's Festival of Lights. It's an old-timey tradition that we're keeping up with even though none of us actually live anywhere near Vasona anymore.

2. Eating more of that soup.

Merry Christmas, hope you enjoyed my neighbor's copy of AARP magazine.

2008-12-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

Fun Fact:

Our mailboxes got broken into last night!

I don't typically pick up my mail every day but I have been lately because of the promise of Christmas cards and CDs from an internerd CD exchange I'm participating in, so luckily, none of my mail was stolen, but I don't think my neighbors were that lucky.

I noticed it when I was on my way out to work this morning and then since I wasn't planning on coming home for a few days because of the holiday, I decided to run back upstairs and hide my computer just in case. Bad guys in the lobby can't get through to the storage area or the garage, but if they were bold enough, they could take the elevator and rob the apartments themselves and I have insurance to protect me against such things but I didn't want to come home from Christmas with the family and find that my computer, my only real thing of value (namely because of all the pictures and music stored on it) was gone. Better to be safe than sorry.

Funny enough, I did think "Ooh, I hope they take my TV" because I have to turn it on and off five times before it will work and since it used to be only four times, I KNOW it's on its last legs and if they steal it, then that saves me the hassle of figuring out the environmentally responsible way of disposing of it. That said, free TV removal is not enough of a selling point to get over the NASTY feeling I'd have knowing that someone gross was in my home and touching my things.

The world does not have enough antibacterial wipes.

Our house was robbed when I was in high school and one of the thieves (who turned out to be punk "friends" of my brothers) went #2 in MY bathroom. I remember coming home, seeing it and being SEETHING mad at my brothers for using my bathroom at all, much less neglecting to flush. AGAIN. That was before I realized we'd been robbed. And disgusting as this is, I remember looking at it in the toilet and CONSCIOUSLY thinking that it didn't look like a Holt turd. That knowledge, I can assure you, was due to the fact that my brothers were frequent non-flushers...not because we sit around and compare notes. So when I heard about the robbery, I was like OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! NO WONDER it didn't look like one of ours!!!!!!!!!!!!

But of course, it took me a week to use that bathroom again. I cleaned the toilet within an inch of its life but the thought of the robber's ass on my toilet seat totally skeeved me out. I don't think antibacterial wipes existed or were commonplace back in the olden days of the early 1990s, but if they were, I would have wiped the heck out of that seat every damn time I used it. JUST IN CASE.

Speaking of antibacterial wipes -- some of you might remember that time I had my ass pinched by that nasty looking sex offender outside of my apartment when Carrie and I lived together. I had been bending over the bumper of a van, reaching in as Carrie was leaning in the side door and pushing something toward me. I looked up and accidentally made eye contact with the guy and then he walked past and pinched my butt. I was shocked and I was like "OMG CARRIE HE JUST PINCHED MY ASS! WHAT DO I DO?!??!" and she was like "KICK HIS ASS!" And the first thing that popped into my mind was that if I punched him, I'd have to touch him and I'd be SOILED. I ended up just standing there, totally stupified, staring at him walk away, but when I woke up from the fog, I marched back inside and immediately rubbed an antibacterial wipe on the butt of my pants.

The day passed and later that night Carrie and I were sitting around and we heard shouting on the street. We looked out the window and saw the ass pincher being screamed at by two women. I don't know what they were screaming because it was in Spanish, but from what I could tell, it surely wasn't "Hey there friend, what's up?" We debated what we should do and we called my brother to ask him what he thought and the general consensus was that if he was out on the street, drunk and harrassing women, we should call the cops. So we did.

They came to the door and we told them what had happened earlier in the day and that several hours later, he was still hanging around being a slimeball. They asked if I wanted to press charges and I was like nah, just send him on his way. Done. Except that then they came back half an hour later and tried to get me to press charges but I was on my way to Burning Man the next day and I had bigger fish to fry so I declined. But then they came back AGAIN and said that SURPRISE! Turns out he's a registered sex offender. Was I SURE I didn't want to press charges?? Well crap. I kinda HAD to, no? So I did and I had to ID him and give my statement and blah blah blah.

Then like a month later, I happened to be home for lunch and the Public Defender knocked on my door. I know I didn't have to talk to him but my story was what it was, it wasn't gonna change, and besides, he was kinda cute...so I talked to him and told him the same story I told the police. He was like "You seem normal and upstanding and well put together (that last one is the way to my heart, you know it is) and everything you've told me is the same as the statement you signed, so thank you very much, blah blah blah. Except one thing -- your statement said you antibacterial wiped the back of your pants after he pinched you???"

And OH MY GAH, Internet -- I know he thought I was a nutter because of that. BUT SERIOUSLY. A nasty, filthy, drunk sex offender touches me and I'm NOT supposed to clean his cooties off?? If he touched my HAND, I don't think anyone would begrudge me washing my hands, but de-germing my pants is crazy??

NO.

But anyhooters...back to the matter at hand: My mailboxes. Now I'm left wondering how the bad guy got into the lobby in the first place. I'm guessing he followed someone's visitor in, but, and maybe I'm stereotyping here, don't bad guys LOOK like bad guys? I mean, the shady people in my neighborhood are pretty obviously shady so WHY WOULD YOU LET THEM FOLLOW YOU IN?

My Christmas Spirit in a Box

2008-12-23T10:56:00.000-08:00

You know who is MADE OF AWESOME? Cupcake Kari, that's who.

I was having a craptastic day, for no real reason, which made it that much MORE frustrating. I hate crappy days that can't blame on anything specific. So I was all wah wah wah all freaking day and I cried off all my makeup by lunchtime and I was going to go meet Carrie for a drink but then wah wah wah decided that no, that would be too hard. Wah wah wah.

But guess what came in the mail for me yesterday?? A surprise box of goodies from Kari! Her note was awesome and it made me want to fly my ass out to the Berkshires and PINCH HER for being such a great friend with such excellent timing.

The box was filled with candles and wine glasses and picture frames and the most awesome wine cork thing that I've ever seen AND presents for Carrie, Tiger and Dave, but you know what else was in there? And it feels totally geigh for me to even type this sentence, but it's true: MY CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. And also? My sanity.

So I took my refreshed attitude and makeupless face over to Carrie's to deliver the UNICORN COAT HOOKS and the little mice that creeped me out but that Tiger L-O-V-E-D:

And then we drank some wine and all was right with the world.

A million thank yous to Kari. xoxo.

Eye Boogers

2008-12-10T12:06:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to break up with my carpoolers. It's *not* a time saver and I knew that, but with gas at $4.75 a gallon, I was willing to deal with it. Now that gas is $1.75 a gallon, I'm far less motivated to carpool. The roads are congested because everyone else is thinking the same thing, but I don't care. I am one of the most irritable people on the planet and if I thought I'd magically find carpoolers who didn't bug the shit out of me, I was crazy.

And to be fair, it's really only #2 who bugs me. #1 has his moments too (they're both entirelly too hyper-focused on finding the absolute best possible route that might possssibly shave four minutes off our drive time), but he's fine. Unfortunately, he's also going on vacation for three weeks and I already told him that I'd KILL KILL KILL #2 if I had to be alone with him for three weeks, but #1 was oblivious to the high irritation factor that #2 introduces into the equation.

But yesterday, driving alone with #2, I reached my nitpicky limit. I noticed that he's always cleaning the sleep out of the corners of his eyes. Okay, not ALWAYS, but once or twice per drive. He'll take his glasses off, stick his finger in his eye, inspect what comes out, brush it off his finger and put his glasses back on. In my opinion, this is not something you do around people who are not your intimates, but I know, I know...I'm picky. I should say that it's not something *I* would do around people who are not my intimates and even then, I'd probably go warsh my hands just out of courtesy to others.

So it's gross and all but the thing that pushed me over the edge?

I made myself some tea for the drive home so I wouldn't be all grunty and annoying with my scratchy throat and it was in the cup holder between our two seats.

HE BRUSHED HIS EYE BOOGERS OFF HIS FINGERS RIGHT OVER MY TEA.

G-R-O-S-S.

So I couldn't have my tea and I was mad and grossed out and resolved to antibacterial wipe everything in my car that he might have touched and then never drive with his ass again.

And God help the junkie at my gas station who always offers to squeegee my windows and who I always refuse, because when I stopped to get gas I was preoccupied with entering my PIN and I turned around and he was pushing dirty water all over my otherwise perfectly clean windshield. If I wasn't so pissy about eye boogers in my tea I might have been nicer about it but my instant reaction was to shout NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO to him.

But seriously, that's annoying. He didn't ask, he just did. Not asseptable.

And yes, if you're keeping track, I am nitpicky, irritable and bitchy to people who are possibly homeless.

If anyone at work talked to me, I might whisper about this stuff with him/her, but since I'm a leper, I am resorting to telling the internet.

2008-12-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

1. The women in this joint are serious farters. In the bathroom, I mean. I haven't detected anything outside of the bathroom, but EVERY DAMN TIME I'm in there with someone else there's some FORCEFUL farting going on. And they don't even wait for me to leave before they exit the stall.

I don't get:

A. Why the hell they have such gassy asses in the first place.

B. Why they're so proud of it. If I let a loud one slip I'd totallllly hide out until I my co-pee'rs were gone. (And yes, gentlemen...I know that it's a bathroom and that farting is normal bathroom activity, but just as there is special bathroom etiquette for men that I don't understand, you don't understand the special bathroom etiquette that ladies tend to follow.)

2. The HR lady is a piece of work with her wigs and her accessories and oh mah gah I can't even BEGIN to do her justice, but if you recall, she's also the one who overuses and mispronounces the word "actually." It's in every damn sentence that comes out of her mouth, axtsilly. Anyhooters, when she sends e-mails that start out "Dear Employee's" it makes me nuts and axtsilly, I can't be bothered to fill out the form she's asking me to fill out.

3. I was outside on the balcony and I noticed a pile of fingernail clippings. YOU KNOW how I feel about clipping your fingernails at work (THAT IS A HOME ACTIVITY!), but LEAVING THAT SHIT ON THE BALCONY LIKE THE FINGERNAIL FAIRY IS GOING TO COME CLEAN IT UP!!??!

No.

Unless maybe birds use them for their nests like they use hair. Except that I noticed the fingernails earlier this week and they're still there so the bird excuse, if true, does not hold water.

Meme

2008-11-26T09:18:00.000-08:00

I did this.
I didn't do this.
I kinda did this.

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain -- Does Twin Peaks count?

9. Held a praying mantis.

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty -- Damn it...if only I hadn't been so lazy on my 8th grade class trip!

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill

24. Held a lamb -- This one seems awfully kumbaya to me.

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon -- No, but I'm running my first 5k tomorrow!

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice -- I'm glad Joanie talked me into this one!

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise -- I've been on the bay cruise, but I don't think that's the same thing.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors My mom was born right after WWII when pregnant women were still birthing their babies away from the cities, but this is the street my mom grew up on:

And OMG I still have those jeans and they're skin tight. OINK!

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelos David

41. Sung karaoke

Can you see me FEELING the song?

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted My mom and grandfather have both painted me, but from a picture so I don't know if that counts.

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check I've kiiiinda bounced checks before, but my bank always pays them so the recipient of the check has no idea.

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial -- Ask me about this one again in late January!

71. Eaten Caviar -- I think fish roe on sushi should count, but I'm not sure.

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating -- I've caught fish that I've eaten before but I have not been responsible for cleaning them.

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone's life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous -- Frank and Ty from Trading Spaces and Clinton Kelly: Cable TV stars for the WIN!

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

Burying Boppa's ashes in the back yard:

Note, those are the same jeans as in the Hemel Hempstead picture up above and they're tighter here, but not as tight as they are now.

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee -- Probably like 99 times in my life. It AMAZES me that there are people who have never been stung!! It happened EVERY summer of my childhood -- multiple times, even! I'm just tooooo sweet. Awl.

100. Read an entire book in one day

I'm blaming the meloncholy on hormones.

2008-11-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

I went to an all-hands meeting on Tuesday where the focus was kind of conflicted:

The company has BAJILLIONS of dollars in cash and t's a very safe place to be right now.

but also:

There is to be absolutley NO travel and NO catering and NO hiring.

And they just announced a mandatory furlough between Christmas and New Years. If I was eligible for vacation right now, that would be fine...but I think I might have to take it unpaid. TBD.

And then this whole time of me picking my nose all day long my boss has been all "Don't worry...we absolutely need you. Just be patient, keep yourself occupied...nobody has raised any questions about what you're doing. Don't stress."

And then yesterday my boss tells me that the days of this department operating at will and at any cost are over and that he wants to find a way for me to get involved sooner rather than later so nobody questions my value.

Crap.

And all this NPR-listening I've been doing lately makes me think that OMG THE SKY IS FALLING I WILL BE DESTITUTE AND WE'LL ALL BE FIGHTING FOR SPAM AND BROWN BANANAS!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I can keep my job, I will get great experience (eventually) and a great paycheck and everything will be okay.

If I lose my job, I don't know what to do. Jobs that can sustain my mortgage are difficult to get, as proven by the length of my retirement. I'm thinking that I might rent my place out, move in with my parents and maybe get a job in a different field. Or a low-level job in this field. I like what I do and I don't want to give up, but I've been treading water for MONTHS now and it's exhausting.

I want to find a rich husband. More than ever. He can go to work and do whatever it is he does and I'll supervise the cleaning lady, run his errands and cook his meals. I'm completely serious.

I still don't regret taking the severance and leaving PG&E and I'm still excited about whatever new things are coming my way, but the past few days have made me wish I was still there because it is familiar and comfortable and the people there were my family.

Nobody here knows that I'm awesome and I haven't had the opportuntiy to show them yet.

And I swear to you, whenever I see a blue PG&E truck, my heart jumps a little bit.

Only in San Francisco

2008-11-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

Tony, one of my gay boyfriends, invited me to be his date to a fundraiser party for this movie:

I've never seen What Ever Happened to Baby Jane but it's all kind of creepy, no?

But I love me some Tony and I love me a room full of drag queens so I figured it would be a campy good time. What I wasn't expecting though, was for it all to be such a magical night.

But first, let me remind you that I am NOT a fan of house parties unless I know a solid 50% of the crowd. My anxiety goes OFF THE CHARTS and I generally just can't wait to get home and put on my pajamas and hide. In a professional setting I can chit chat till the cows come home but put me in a social setting and I freak out. I think it has to do with anxiety over people not wanting to talk to the fat chick (and all the associated BLAH BLAH BLAH coo-coo crazy in my head).

But anyway.

It was a straaaaaaaangely warm night on Friday -- I think I remember looking at my phone and seeing that it was like 70 degrees at 10PM, but I didn't need technology to tell me that it was warm. We got the house and it looked empty, but that's because everyone was out on the back deck enjoying the weather.

Tony said I'd love the house. I believed him because the other guy I know from this circle lives in an AWESOME OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD victorian with what appears to be original EVERYTHING, which is also why that house is rumored to be falling apart from the inside, out.

But maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, Tony wasn't kidding. I LOVED that house. It was actually a duplex and I'm not clear on the relationship between the two owners -- if they knew each other before they moved there or not, but it seems to have worked out because Tony said that both sides are usually open when they have parties.

The ornate side was SPEC-TAC-U-LAR. It was kind of traditional victorian meets a modern color pallette.

The window coverings involved GOBS AND GOBS AND GOBS of richly colored silk (?), the furniture and upholstery were RICH RICH RICH and the colors were awesome and funky and freaking gorgeous. The best part though, was that the "wallpaper" throughout the entire place was hand painted by one of the guys who lived there. It was so ornate, I can't even tell you. Monkeys, flowers, scrolls, patterns -- you name it. All hand painted.

The bedroom was OH MAH GAH gorgeous. Like where you'd expect a really, really, really spoiled princess to live. A real-life princess. Not like those chicks on My Super Sweet 16. The canopy and the bedding and the OH MAH GAH of it all was spectacular. And GRRRRRR, I was trying to be cool about it all so I only took one quick camera phone pic of the canopy but it was all dark and sexy with the mood lighting and the picture didn't come out.

The kitchen was also fantastic. It was filled with really dark, heavy old-timey looking cabinets and appliances, but with turquoise walls with an intricately painted gold pattern. It was gorgeous. GORGEOUS.

And OMG the bathroom! Tony said I couldn't leave without checking out the bathroom. How exciting could it be? Except that WHOA! The toilet was actually this big wicker chair and you had to lift up the chair seat to reveal the actual toilet. It seems like they're just asking for a mess with that, but it was super cool and hey...maybe they sit down when they pee. I dunno.

The other side of the duplex was much more true to the victorian decor, but with a surprising number of taxidermied heads on the walls. The whole place was lit with gas lights (they say there are only 40 or so homes left in SF with the original gas lighting) and the vibe in there made me feel like I was in that PBS reality show called 1900 House or whatever -- the one where the modern day family lived in a home true to the turn of the century. It was really dark and victorian but it also somehow managed to *not* look like someone's grandma lived there.

There was a grand piano just off the parlor and a man in a tux playing for anyone who wanted to sing. Tony and I found seats in the parlor and sat there listening to a fantastic impromptu concert preformed by a few drag queens who were not currently in drag, which made it that much more awesome.

So I was sitting there in this beautiful house (albeit one I wouldn't want to be in alone on a stormy night), surrounded by the nicest strangers I'd ever met, listening to handsome men sing cabaret and I just could not get over how lucky I am that THIS is my life.

Here's one of them, actually:

She's a gorgeous lady, but he is also a handsome man.

We eventually moved outside and I sat on the deck talking to a woman who was gushing about how magical the night was. I was glad that it wasn't just me.

I was reaching my limit and the awesomeness of it all wasn't enough to make me forget that I was uncomfortable, so Tony and I left after a couple of hours, but daaaaaaaaamn that was cool.

Other notes:

1. There was this chick dressed up in like an all-white Raggedy Ann outfit and really exaggerated eyelashes painted on her face. Tony said that he's never seen her in the same outfit twice and that she used to be in Fellini movies. I was like daaaaaamn, I thought Fellini was a bajillion years ago. He said yeah, but this chick was in her 50's. And seriously, I would have guessed she was 35. I REALLY wanted to know more about her though. Where does she live? Does she have a job? Does she take the garbage out? Does she go grocery shopping? I couldn't imagine her living out her day-to-day life.

2. But speaking of Fellini, once he said that I was able to put my finger on the vibe. I felt like I was in a Fellini movie. Kinda eerie, what with the ornate setting and the distant sounding piano music, but kind of awesome too. And considering I was in the home of the guys who are making that movie, not unexpected.

3. And if any of you SF'ers have ever been to see Trannyshack's Golden Girls episodes, Baby Jane is played by the same guy who plays Blanche!

YAY, SAN FRANCISCO!

My Job is a mixed bag.

2008-11-18T16:02:00.000-08:00

Things I Love About My Job:

1. The fact that my boss thought it was HILARIOUS when I told him that the only thing on my calendar today was the application of lip gloss. He has since referenced the lip gloss a few more times. Like, "I know you have lip gloss to apply tomorrow, but could you also do blah blah blah?"

2. I can get a delicious tuna melt in the cafeteria for $2.95. If that's not a value, I don't know what is.

Things That Make Me Nervous About My Job:

1. Sometimes my job sounds like something I can totally do and sometimes my boss uses words like "strategist" to describe my role and I'm like Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit.

2. I have to be on teleconferences, which is like this fancy video conference where it looks like the other people in the meeting are sitting across the table from you but in reality, they're in Toyko or London or whatever. My main problem with this? I don't have time to lose 100 pounds between now and the first meeting on December 2nd.

Things That I Hate About My Job:

1. The fact that the guy in the cube right next to mine makes little grunty coughs ALL DAY LONG. This means that, in addition to my HATRED for him and his cough, I have to plug my earphones in whenever I am at my desk and then the hot married guy walks by and doesn't talk to me because he thinks I'm hard at work and don't want to be distracted. But whatever, right? I mean, he's SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND and I shouldn't give a crap.

Plus, who ever thought I'd be attracted to a young Jack Nicholson??? I'm going with Sassy Sarah's theory that he's just warming me up for when I find a non-gay, non-married hot guy to make eyes at.

The Wedding. Finally.

2008-11-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

Okay so FINALLY, it's the big day. I get up, I cry, I break the shower, I cry, the front desk sends the maintenance guy up, I cry, they tell me there aren't any empty rooms for me to shower in, I cry and conveniently freak the maintenance guy out enough that he runs down the hall to find a room that was being cleaned, I wait until the housekeeper cleans the bathroom, I shower down the hall from all my stuff, and cry again.

Seriously. It was ridiculous, but I was trying to get it all out.

Except then my mascara wand broke and OH MY GOD I cried again. Seriously. A girl doesn't not need broken mascara ANY day, much less when she has to stand up in front of a bunch of people and hope that they are so distracted by her dazzling eyes that they don't notice her fat arms in a strapless dress.

So blah blah blah about the crying. It continued pretty much all day long until the irritation of being stranded at the church and the eventual getting-lost-again ride in the backseat smooshed against my two aunts snapped me out of it. Just assume that if you see a picture of anything before, during or immediately following the wedding, I was probably either currently losing my shit or trying to CEASE losing my shit and that I wasn't particularly successful.

Anyway, Hillary was a better bridesmaid than I was because I was too busy trying to not sweat and not cry to help Sarah get into her rig:

Jesus was there!

My mom and Ninny arrive at the church...and let me just say, that for two Brits, they're AWFULLY afraid of a few rain drops:

Sarah's aunt did the flowers:

And the perfectionist in me LOVED that they included the same flowers that I picked for the shower!

Here I am with my signature HEY WHAT'S UPPPPPPPPPPP open-mouthed self portrait shot:

I haven't seen the official pictures yet and our little point-n-shoot cameras weren't cutting the mustard, but you get the gist:

Ben and his posse look EVIL:

With the dads:

My parents await the marriage of their favorite child:

Cute couple:

Tammy, Big Andrew and Little Andrew:

My mom kickin' it with Janessa and The Pouch:

My brother's friend's son A) is adorable and B) travels with his own security paint roller. He used to love his spatula or something, if I recall correctly:

My mom with her babies:

Sarah with all the mens:

HOLLA:

My favorite picture of my brothers, maybe ever:

Samantha and Andrew are very excited about leftovers:

Kenny hardly ever smiles so LOOK NOW because I'm sure he'll want me to take it down once he sees this:

Morven and I enjoy VIP seating at the after party:

Annnnnnnnd, that's about it. There's a picture of Kenny and Evan passing out in bed together but I don't have it so I can't post it, but even if I did, I probably wouldn't because I care about maintaining positive family relations.

Probably.

All in all, my trip was AWESOME and the wedding was beautiful, even if I was an emotional M-E-S-S.

/wedding.

Midwestern Adventure: Iowa

2008-11-17T13:57:00.000-08:00

Ohhhhh, Iowa.

So pretty.

So friendly.

So small town adorable.

Sarah's dad's farm is like the Bermuda Triangle though. I had to drive myself out there like three or four times and I swear to you, I got lost coming and going EVERY DAMN TIME and now her dad and brother probably think I should wear a helmet or something. But really, it's Google's fault. I could provide all you stalkers with Google directions to their house and you'd NEVER find it. And really, you'd probably never find your way back to your own house either because you wouldn't ever be able to get cell reception so you could call someone for directions.

But yeah...the farm is freaking gorgeous. If my whole family moved there, I would follow.

When I got there the night of the favor-making the guys were making a fire pit in preparation for the rehearsal dinner but unfortunately, it ended up pouring with rain and we had to hide in the garage and THE BARN. (And Shannon is totally going to read this and think that I'm a city girl for thinking that a party in a barn is exciting!)

But you know what happens when it rains in the midwest?

LIGHTENING!

LOTS OF IT!

And if you didn't know anyone there, you'd have been able to pick out the Californians from the Iowans because we were all "OMG LIGHTENING! LOOK! OMG ANOTHER ONE! OMG!"

Except you know what else happens when it rains in the midwest?

I MELT.

Make-up, schmake-up.

It was crazy humid and I couldn't hide over the A/C vent in the bathroom all night long, so I had to suck it up and be okay with the fact that I was going to look sweaty and rained-on in all the pictures. But really, the fact that my boobs were about ready to fall out of my dress all night long gave me something more pressing to worry about and in the end, the wet hair/"dewy" face look translated into really cute pictures:

And even though it was starting to get dark, it was PHOTO SHOOT TIME!

CORN!

Where's Waldo?

A TRACTOR!

Big Andrew and his girlfriend Tammy are also tractor fans:

My time in Iowa also involved a powerball lottery ticket purchase. And a sobbing fit in the Sunday school room at the church. And in the church lobby. And in the church bathroom. And in the church pews. And, while I was at it, on the altar during the wedding.

What's prettier than a sobbing bridesmaid? A sobbing bridesmaid with holiday hams.

But I digress.

Iowa was wonderful. And I really, actually, truly mean that.

Mid-Western Adventure: South Dakota

2008-11-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

OH MAH GAH it's been over two months and I'm ONLY JUST NOW getting around to recapping the last two states I visited during my mid-western bonanza! Unfortunately, the HI-LARITY has kinda escaped my brain so I think this is pretty much just going to be a picture post, but you never know...maybe the details will come flooding back to me.

So: South Dakota: Officially checked off my list.

Ninny and I were supposed to drive to Sioux Falls, SD on Tuesday afternoon but SOMEBODY missed her flight and instead of getting in at like 2PM, she wasn't going to get in until 11PM and night driving isn't fun when you actually want to see what you're driving through so I stopped in the middle of a bunch of corn in Nebraska and rearranged our lodging and BADA BING, it was all okay.

Plus, I should mention that this was the day I was wrestling with my post-whiskey-bonanza situation and that I was on rural roads the whole time and there aren't as many (any) bathrooms as you'd think and I was afraid I'd have to fertilize some corn except that the SWEET, SWEET vision of neon that was an Applebee's out in the freaking middle of NOWHERE was my saving grace. But that was Nebraska, not South Dakota. I'm backtracking.

Ooh, and one more birdwalk: Ben and Sarah had to get to Iowa early because they had to get their marriage license 72 hours before the wedding (so that Ben didn't kidnap the farmer's daughter out from under their noses, I think) and Ninny missing her flight actually worked out for the best because instead of heading for Sioux Falls, I went to Sarah's dad's farm in Iowa and helped Sarah, Ben and Sarah's brother Evan assemble wedding favors while Sarah's dad made us spaghetti.

The farm was a challenge to get to, but holy crap you guys...it was gorgeous. And the quality time with the in-laws was something I wouldn't have had if my day had gone as planned so I was really thankful that things worked out the way they did.

Back to South Dakota:

The ultimate goal for SD was the Corn Palace, but my extensive internet research indicated that there was a great and beautiful water fall in Sioux Falls. With an observation tower! And a gift shop! And views for miles!

Except that Sioux Falls, SD is not the quaint little town their tourism site would have you believe. It's kind of a hole.

And the falls themselves?

Windy and lackluster.

But maybe that's because my past trips to places like Yosemite and Niagara Falls ruined me, I dunno. But realllly, I think that the industrial backdrop of the falls was poor planning:

Proof that my hair and I were there:

Proof that Ninny and her hair were also there:

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

ONWARD!

About an hour or so west was the Corn Palace:

I was surprised that there were so many tourists hanging around because all it really is is a building decorated with corn. There's some sort of basketball court inside and I think they sometimes have concerts there and the only reason I even knew it existed was because the kids on the first season of Road Rules went there.

There I am!

But it looks kinda conflicted, don't you think? Is it 2008 or 2009? OMG IDENTITY CRISIS!!!!!!!!!!! But actually, they were redecorating while we were there:

Size 11 corn:

I'm not about to go googling swastikas at work (apparently, blogging at work isn't a problem for me), but they had pictures of all the old themes and this one must raise a lot of eyebrows because it was the only one with an explanatory sign:

And then I bought a floatie pen and a couple of beer koozies, we had lunch and we zipped back to Omaha juuuuuuuuuuuust time time for me to drop Ninny off and then make my spray tan appointment. Very important agenda items, you know.

Global Warming, YAY!

2008-11-15T01:30:00.000-08:00

65 degrees at 1AM in SF in NOVEMBER?

Miscellaneous Update

2008-11-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

1. My carpool posse (I think I forgot to report here that we've been joined by a third person) and I were driving home last night and a Tori Amos song came on and we were discussing which album it was from (and I'm horrified that I actually have any knowledge in this category) and I remembered that OMG! One of the magical things my phone can do that I don't even bother trying to understand is that it will tell me what song is playing! So I busted it out and proved myself wrong -- it was not from Tori's Little Earthquakes album.

The boys were FASCINATED with the magic of it all and they spent like 30 minutes discussing how it worked and asking me to tag new songs. It must be listening to lyrics. No, because the sample it took from that last song was before the words started. It must be picking up a radio feed from the radio station. No, because it worked when I tagged a song I heard on Jon Stewart last night.

They just couldn't accept that it was MAGIC.

Those of you on Danielle's latest CD exchange can thank the magic for helping me identify two songs that I'm listening to on HEAVY rotation and that will also be included on my contribution.

2. I'm wearing white pants today and I'm really unsure as to whether or not I am seasonally appropriate. I'm wearing them with a brown v-neck sweater, animal print heels and gold accessories, but I'm concerned I look like I don't know that it's autumn. What Would Clinton Kelly Say? WWCKS? I wouldn't dare wear them except that I bought them in late September and they weren't even a clearance item. FASHUNS ARE TRICKY BUSINESS!

3. If I still worked at PG&E today would be a holiday. Bah. On the upside, traffic, or the lack of traffic I guess, was fantastic this morning.

4. Tiger needs your good thoughts:

Carrie's checkbook does too. Yikes.

5. My parents ILLEGALLY smuggled apples from Sarah's dad's farm in Iowa back to California and now my dad is going to try to grow the seeds out here. I think it's kind of awesome for reasons I can't really define, but here's a blurry picture of the ILLEGAL apples:

And for the record, my mom said that the agricultural checkpoint guy didn't even ask them if they had any fruit with them, so she didn't LIE, but I'm sure that if I think hard enough, I can come up with an example of how I got in trouble as a kid for non-disclosure. HOW CONVENIENT FOR YOU NOW, MOM! Heh.

6. My friend Carey said that her #1 favorite sandwich of all time was peanut butter, mayonnaise and Lawry's seasoned salt. This isn't the first time I've heard freaky reports of the deliciousness of peanut butter and mayo, but SEASONED SALT? So I waited until I had some bread and then I busted out all the ingredients and gave it a shot:

I only made a small piece and I probably should have used two sides of bread because the salt on my teeth was kinda ick, but all in all, it wasn't half bad:

She said I should try it with a tomato too, but I think the above research was sufficient. I get why, if you grew up with it, someone might love it, but I don't think I'll be getting into the habit.

7. I cooked something! Pancetta, French Lentil & Spinach Risotto, specifically. It was pretty good, but it was better as leftovers (and after I added more salt).

Cooking the pancetta:

The onions, shallots, garlic & leeks:

It smelled fantastic:

I love risotto but all the standing around and being patient and stirring KILLS me:

But in the end it was delicious and Weight Watcher friendly:

I didn't die on the way to work this morning.

2008-10-29T09:47:00.001-07:00

My new carpool buddy is more desirable than I would have guessed. Not "desirable" in the sexy sexy baby baby way, but "desirable" meaning "completely acceptable carpool buddy."

His name is Nir, he's 20-something and he's attractive and he doesn't smell and he covers his mouth when he yawns and he lives 5 minutes from me and his office is 5 minutes from my office. All lovely qualities to have when I will spend more time with him each week than I will any other single person.

And the thing about carpooling is that I guess the etiquette is to listen to news or something completely non-offensive but I don't even know what those stations are. I'd have to look them up. But the gay dance mix station? That one I know.

So he said that he usually listens to NPR and SERIOUSLY, what is up with all the young people listening to NPR these days? I tried listening to NPR back when I had sattelite radio and I only lasted like 10 minutes because they were talking about war in a country I'd never even heard of. And really, the only reason I even gave it a shot was because I felt peer pressure. Peer pressure to be nerdy, I guess.

We discussed that we were totally fine with the rider sleeping or putting in his or her headphones or whatever (because seriously, do YOU want to have to make small talk for two hours a day? NO) and after having a polite "What do you do, where'd you grow up, how long have you lived in the city" conversation, he busted out his headphones and listened to EVANESCENCE and I listened to the local morning radio show. I never would have pegged him for an Evanescence fan, but there was no mistaking the lady power ballad coming from his earphones.

So now my perfectly lovely and not at all murderer-looking carpool buddy who I found on the internet is at work, I'm safe and sound and I'll pick him up at 5:30 for the ride home.

USS Hornet Cocktail Party

2008-10-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows my family knows that my dad is ALL ABOUT the USS Hornet. It's his baby, his pride and joy. He was on the Hornet in the Marine Detatchment back in the late 60's (which means that he was one of like 50 Marines on board a ship of 2000-ish Sailors) and was there for the Apollo 11 recovery and has all kinds of good stories and stuff. My dad was one of the guys who helped clean it up after it was saved from being sent to the scrap yard and ten years ago, they made it into a museum and last weekend was the big 10th anniversary open house.

Now, if you're a Holt, or really, even if you just KNOW a Holt, you've probably spent plenty of quality time on the Hornet. We've been to events and BBQs and on tours and really, we're kind of over it, but we all love my dad and want to be supportive of his stuff so we make appearances every now and again. Unless you're my mom, in which case you avoid the Hornet like the plague, but she doesn't like getting caught in conversations with retired military guys or the wives of retired military guys, so she's excused.

It had been a while since I'd clocked any time on the Hornet so when my dad said that they were holding an open house and that he had invited a bajillion people I knew I figured WHAT THE HECK...so I put on my walking shoes and joined him on the Hornet last Saturday.

When I got to the Mar Det area (look at me and all my fancy Marine slang!) I found my dad holding court with a gaggle of lesbionic ladies who wanted to see his video of the Apollo 11 recovery. And OH HAI, my dad figured that since it was an open house, there should be refreshments so he brought beer and wine and chips and dip for people who came to hear his stories. So the lesbians and I had some wine and we watched the video.

When the ladies left, my dad left me in charge while he went to the bathroom. Nobody wanted to talk to me, but that's fine because really, if I had walked by and saw a non-official-looking chick sitting in the Mar Det lounge drinking wine out of a red party cup and saying hello to the passersby, I would have kept on walking too.

So I entertained myself:

My dad had the top bunk, which was VIP because nobody could lean over and barf on you:

The MarDet cocktail lounge:

So anyway, while he was gone I did have one conversation and it was awesome:

Me: Hi.

Lady: Hi. What is this area?

Me: It's the Marine Detatchment area.

Lady: Oh.(Looks confused)

Me: There were a small number of Marines on board with the Sailors.

Lady: Oh.

(And I should point out here that she looked totally normal, educated, non-retarded, etc.)

Me: (smiles and takes a sip of wine)

Lady: What's a Marine?

Me: Um. A Marine. Like, someone in the Marine Corps.

Lady: (Shakes her head, looks at me like I'm speaking Chinese)

Me: The Marines. Like, as opposed to the Navy or the Army or the Air Force.

Lady: (Still doesn't get it.)

Me: It's a branch of the military.

Lady: (Stillllllllllllllllllllll doesn't get it.)

Me: (Trying to figure out how in the hell someone could A) be alive in the world and not understand what I'm telling her and B) be on an AIRCRAFT CARRIER and not understand what I'm telling her! It's not like she was in the Marine Detatchment area of the CONSERVATORY OF FLOWERS or anything!!!!)

Me: Ummmmm...they ran the brig.

Lady: OH! THE BRIG!

Me: Yeah. They were like the police on the ship.

Lady: OH! THE POLICE!

Me: Yeahhhhhhhhh. NOW GO AWAY STUPID LADY!

Except I didn't tell her to go away, I just turned to rummage through my purse for nothing in particular and waited for her to leave.

Other Hornet-related items:

1. There were a ton of Boy Scouts on board. There always are. I don't know why. Maybe there's a patch for visiting an aircraft carrier. But never before have I noticed how RUDE Boy Scouts are. I mean, I guess I expect kids in general to be little shits but I expect Boy Scouts to be polite. THEY WERE NOT. They were cutting in front of me, not allowing right-of-way up and down ladders and were just generally barreling through. The worst part though was that their parents were just standing around watching them be rude so finally I lost my temper and yelled LADIES FIRST!!!!!!!!!!! at a few of them and I heard the mom laugh! I wanted to tell her that her kid needed to be taught some manners, but then someone farted so I kept my opinions on their crappy parenting to myself and moved on.

2. The Hornet wasn't built with any ladies' rooms and most of the bathrooms it does have are prettttty much just communal toilet rooms. Like rows of toilets with walls between them, but no doors. And really, the walls only extend to the end of the toilet seat so if you were sitting there you'd be able to see the knees of all the people in your row and you'd be looking across and facing all the guys pooping in the other row. (And my dad has a story about how they somehow got a bucket of pistachio ice cream and how they ate it with their hands, while sitting on the crappers.)

So how did they modify this bathroom to meet the needs of the ladies? They hung up shower curtains. Frosted clear ones. And they hung them in line with the short walls so if you want to use this particular rest room (there are modern ones upstairs), it's kind of a maneuver and the people next to you can see your knees and the people across from you can see you sitting there.

It's a life experience, folks.

Baby Grady!

2008-10-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

Joanie, one of my long-time partners in crime, had herself a BABY yesterday! It has been really difficult for me to really grasp that JOANIE will be someone's MOTHER and I'm still not all the way there, but HOT DOG, Baby Grady is CUTE AS ALL HELL.

(And for the record, I think she'll be an awesome, fun mom so it's not that I'm having trouble with the Mommy Joanie concept because I think she'll suck at it AT ALL...it's just that when you've done some of your best good-time-having with a person and then all of a sudden she becomes a mom, it's difficult to wrap your head around the whole thing.)

And even though Grady isn't MY baby, I couldn't be prouder of him! He's just a ball of LOVE and I can't wait to see him grow up and be someone fantastic. And because I'm so proud of him, I HAVE TO post some pictures!

Isn't he just PERFECT??

And look how funny he is when he's mad:

Please forgive the blurrrrrr. I was trying to shush him *and* take a camera phone picture and baby shushing = movement = blur. But the old man face is just too cute not to share.

And just to prove that I was there:

YAYAYAAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY BABY GRADY!

PARAPLEGIC WALKS!

2008-10-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

I sometimes listen to the country station when the other stations on my pre-set are oozing too much Dave Matthews or Coldplay. So shoot me.

So today I was driving back from lunch and one of those awesomely horrible story songs came on. They usually involve a father dancing with his daughter at her wedding and reminiscing about how small she was the day she was born or how proud he was the day she first walked or blah blah blah...you get the drift...schmaltzy stuff that probably shoots straight to the top of father/daughter dance song lists.

But today...ohhhhhhhhhh today...it was awesome. I was listening to this song and I seriously, really, and truly started lolling:

Here's the summary of Bucky Covington's (of American Idol fame!) new hot hit:

* Boy and girl get in a fight after the prom.

* Girl gets out of the car and says I'LL WALK.

* Girl gets hit by a car. (It was dark, her dress was black...I SAW IT COMING, BUCKY!)

* Girl's legs are paralyzed but says I'LL WALK.

* Boy and girl continue dating, wheelchair and all.

* Boy and girl get engaged.

* Father starts to push girl down aisle, girl stops and says I'LL WALK.

AND THEN SHE WALKS.

Oh dear GOD.

YES, seriously!

2008-10-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I have this new job, right? It's 50+ miles from home and the traffic sucks and gas prices may have fallen but until they fall to 1990 prices and I can fill my tank for $15, they're eating up my disposable income like we're at a money buffet. But hey, the internet is a great place and you can sign up for a carpool matching service and after a few clicks and this and that, BADA BING! I found a list of matches.

"Matches" is kind of a loose term though because while technically, I may live within 4 miles of everyone in San Francisco, that does not mean that I'm interested in hauling my cookies to the Outer Sunset or North Beach or whatever to pick these people up. But I did find one who lives a mile or so from me in a direction that is not technically in the direction of the freeway, but is still easily accessible and he works a mile or so from me so I e-mailed him and it seemed like a match made in Heaven -- he already has one carpooler who lives near him and who works near him but they were looking for a third. They both have very flexible schedules and they've been working things out on a day by day basis. Want to go home early today? Sure! Awesome!

So all that is great. I warn him that dude, I drive a Jetta so whoever gets stuck in the backseat might not be up for a comfy ride. He replies and says OH HAI NO PROBLEM, I DRIVE A TWO-DOOR HATCHBACK and that my Jetta is probably bigger than his car.

And you see, the way it works is that we trade off driving. And really, I'd rather not drive at all because my car has seen better days and I spent half my commute wondering if that rattle is supposed to be there or if I'm about to stall out in the middle of the freeway during rush hour.

So this backseat of a two-door hatchback thing? For two hours a day? It's a deal breaker.

I e-mailed him and said that I was going to pass because I didn't think I was up for the back seat of a two-door, but good luck and blah blah blah.

He wrote back and was all "Seriously???"

And I just don't get it. YES, seriously!

How many adults out there actually want to sit in the backseat of a freaking HATCHBACK for two hours every day?? Not me!

Except that now I can't decide if this is an unreasonable request because I've lived my whole life in a fat suit and maybe I just don't know what normal is?

Or maybe it's that he's a 20-something European-of-some-variety male and he doesn't get that a lady all dressed up for work probably doesn't want to pack into the back seat and bag out her pants because she had her knees up to her chest for the 50 mile drive or flash the world when she climbs over the front seat's seat belt while wearing a skirt?

Or maybe it's our two extremes meeting in the middle...I dunno. But YES, SERIOUSLY.

EH + CK 4 -->

2008-10-15T20:32:00.001-07:00

OMG I'M SO BEHIND on my trip recap but whatever...I'll get to that eventually...THIS is the big news of the day:

It's Clinton Kelly! He was in town promoting his new book so Carrie and I shoved into a tiny bookstore with like 100 other women but it was totally worth it.

This one guy stopped to ask me who the heck we were all waiting to see and when I told him that OMG IT'S CLINTON KELLY he had nooooooooooooo idea who he was and was surprised that women care what a man thinks about fashion. I was like DUH, if it's a GAY man, then hell yeah I care...but if we're talking about, say, my brother, then I'm less interested in the style advice.

(And not that my brothers don't look sharp, because they do [EXCEPT FOR THOSE SHOES I HATE, ANDREW!!!!!!!], but I don't think they have much of an opinion when it comes to women's clothing.)

Midwestern Adventure: Nebraska!

2008-09-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

I don't have a wholllllllllle lot to say about Nebraska because:

1. I was hungover for the "driving through Nebraksa" portion of my journey.

2. I'm going to save the wedding reception pictures (which did take place in Nebraska) for the wedding recap post that I'll get to in, you know, six months or so.

3. I took the back back back back roads, which were beautiful, but didn't have much to offer in terms of bathrooms and I was nervous that I was going to get a case of whiskey ass so I couldn't dilly dally.

4. I was P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F because I was supposed to pick my aunt up in Omaha that afternoon and we were supposed to drive to Sioux Falls, SD that evening so that we had time to dawdle back from the Corn Palace the next day so that I could make my spray tanning appointment. So blah blah blah, the schedule was specific. What I did not factor into the schedule was that she would MISS HER FLIGHT.

I'm over it now, but that day I was SO TOTALLY PISSED because I was afraid my plans were going to be ruined and DAGNABBIT I wanted to see everything on my list. It took me a good three or four hours before the steam stopped coming out of my ears, even though I kept trying to shake it off and not let the change of plans make me miss out on Nebraksa. It actually ended up working out for the best so it's all good in the hood.

So anyway...not many pictures of Nebraska, but it sure was beautiful. They have historical markers everywhere and I kept stopping and reading them and none of them were all that thrilling -- mostly just stuff about how this land used to be the homestead of so-and-so and s/he wrote a book about it all called [Insert Something Pioneer-Sounding Here].

But look, children of the 80's!! Look where I was!

If there was a river I would have hired an Indian to help me across, but there wasn't a river or any buffalo to shoot with my arrow buttons and space bar and I did not die of dysentery. But I did get all geigh over how loud the trees were and I thought about whether it sounded the same to the people from the olden days:

Seriously, the sound of the trees and the corn and all the nothing was SO AWESOME. Listening to that damn tree was one of the few moments I really wished I'd had someone with me because it was like I'd stepped into Sarah Plain and Tall or something. Except I'm not even sure that took place in the midwest, but I'm sure you know what I'm getting at: It was old-timey and GORGEOUS.

Other than the wedding-related festivities that were to take place in Omaha, the only Nebraskan item on my agenda was a visit to Lawrence, NE. That's the town where the family from my favorite documentary ever, The Farmer's Wife, was from.

For years and years and years I've been wanting to get out there and just have a look around that town, but in a totally non-stalkery way, I swear. So I went and it was one of the nicer small, BFE towns I visited that week...nicer than it looked on TV. I had planned to have lunch in the local restaurant/bar but I was earlier than expected and after my big night in Cawker City, the thought of eating in a smoke-filled bar grossed me out. I didn't even get out of the car, which I half regret, but there really wasn't much of anything to see until I got to the east (?) side of town and saw, you know, a TANK:

It seemed awfully out of place and it was clearly a memorial for something, but I had whiskey ass to contend with so I kept on keeping on and didn't get out to investigate whatever it was memorializing:

I know you all think I'm a nutter for being so excited about CORN, but hangover or not, I did stop to take a picture of my fat face and the CORN:

That particular spot was the first good cell service I'd had in hours so I was parked alongside the road for a good 30 minutes while I checked my e-mail and made some calls and probably also alarmed the locals.

The interstate:

80 sure does look different out there than it does here, dontcha think??

I eventually made it to Omaha and thanks to my awesome pre-trip research, I knew that the World's Largest Ball of Stamps was in a section of Omaha called Boy's Town. I hadn't planned on making the stamps a priority, but I had time to kill before I could check into the hotel and I saw a sign for Boy's Town so I followed it and VIOLA:

They had these big bowls of canceled stamps that you could buy for a penny each, but I just liked sticking my hand into the stamps. I don't know why. Put a big bowl of anything in front of me and I want to fondle it.

The excitement on my face was probably less for the stamps and more for the lovely bathroom facilities at the stamp place:

And finally, there seemed to be a lot of these O! things around town, which I'm assuming stands for Omaha and not for Oprah:

The end. Until I get to Iowa, anyway.

Midwestern Adventure, Day Three: Kansas!

2008-09-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a witness to the insanity that was Kansas, but this was a solo road trip so whatever I tell you in this post, just assume that it's 100 times MORE bizarre, okay? Because really, Kansas was a T-R-I-P.

First of all, Kansas's landscape couldn't compare to Missouri and Oklahoma. It was pretty dull, but WHOA BESSIE the sky was awesome:

Most of you know that the big attraction for me in Kansas was the World's Largest Ball of Twine, right? When my brother first announced that he was getting married in Iowa I immediately Googled all the road trip worthy things in that neck of the woods and I didn't come up with much, but the Ball-o-Twine somehow became the big ticket item.

My road trip philosophy is this: Pick something random and off-the-beaten-track and go there. Hilarity will ensue. The caveat: Don't stay in craphole motels because they rain on your parade and you might get bed bugs. For reals.

So my whole trip was me aiming for a bunch of random spots, but with 4-star lodging carefully integrated into my travel plan. The trouble with the twine was that it's in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE:

View Larger Map

This is great for my sense of adventure, but it SUCKS for the "not into craphole motels" side of me. I ended up finding a list of B&Bs in the area and while I'm also not into the whole B&B thing, I figured that was better than the Super 8. One of them, The World's Largest Ball of Twine Bed Without the Breakfast (seriously), touted itself as a one unit cottage adjacent to the ball of twine and at the low, low price of $30 (payable in cash that I was to leave on the table!) and I figured that okay, I'd roll the dice and hope that it was as homey as the woman who owned it said it was.

And, um, I guess it was:

Cute, right?

But here's the inside:

Overall, I'd say it was kinda dismal. And I'm annoyed that I can't find the picture I took, but there was a big sign on the fridge alerting people to the fact that GAME CLEANING IS NOT ALLOWED. Because you know how dirty Monopoly can get and all.

It wasn't even 8PM when I arrived and I had a few hours to kill before I'd be able to fall asleep so I got the bright idea to go across the street to the bar (because the restaurant was closed on Mondays and the town was all of six blocks long so I was hard pressed for other things to do) and have some dinner and a couple of drinks so I had the chance of actually falling asleep.

So I went to the bar, as seen here the next morning without all the pickup trucks out front:

I have a lot of nerve but boy howdy, I really had to talk myself into opening the door because "walking into a rural Kansas bar by myself" is not high on the list of safe things to do. There were about ten men, one KID and two women inside. I pretended they didn't allllllll turn around to stare at me when I walked in and I went right up to the bar, sat down and ordered a sandwich and a Jack & Diet.

That Jack & Diet eventually turned into SEVERAL Jack & Diets (though I suspect that they were heavily watered down) and a few shots of peppermint schnapps with the men at the bar. It was bizarre and surreal and when I told my brother the story of it all the next day he was like "THIS IS HOW WOMEN END UP AS MURDER MYSTERIES ON A&E!" True, but my homies at The Corner Bar & Grill were lovely.

Mostly.

Here's my overall'd friend Leigh:

So this guy Leigh (he spells his name the girl way) spent the first half of the night totallllllllllllly hitting on me and the second half of the night pretending he didn't know me.

Why?

Because his girlfriend showed up to lay claim to her man.

Guess why she was there?

Because even though *I* couldn't get a cell signal, the whole rest of the bar had been texting people telling them that there was a pretty new girl at the bar (awl, thanks guys) and word got out that Leigh was hitting on me and she came to make sure I kept my new girl hands off her man. I didn't know any of this until they told me about it later in the night but they all thought it was HILARIOUS that he was 100% trying to romance me one minute and the next he was telling her that he hadn't even spoken to me. I mean, he had a ZERO percent chance, but it was pretty funny, particularly since my bff Toni and the lady bartender Teresa HATED her and I had accidentally caused a Jets vs Sharks standoff that they said the town will be talking about for weeks. Alls I know is that she was old, trashy and REEKED of fabric softener. Like she washed her hair in it or something.

Other highlights from The Corner Bar & Grill:

They launched a toothpick and a straw into the ceiling in my honor. I don't know why this is so exciting, but they made several attempts until one stuck and then I had to climb on the barstool and sign the ceiling:

Notice the kid in background of the toothpick-launching picture? He was eleven. It was 11PM and he had repeatedly asked his dad to take him home but his dad (a Gary Busey look-alike) was HAMMMMMMMERED. I was like "OMG IS HE GOING TO DRIVE??" and they were all like "No, duh...his kid is." That would be his ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD-KID.

OMG.

He was a sweet kid. The dad was sweet too, but maaaaaaan, he was drunk.

Here I am with my Cawker City bff Toni:

There was dancing:

And shenanigans:

And drunken confessions that they thought I was going to be a bitch when I walked in, but that I was welcome back at the Corner Bar & Grill any time. It's unlikely that I'll EVER EVER EVER return, but they gave me a bunch of tsoskes and they were SO MUCH FUN and I apparently gave Toni my phone number because she has texted me several times since I left.

Other fun facts:

1. You can rent a three bedroom apartment in Cawker City, KS for $141.00 a month!

2. Toni's car starts via light switch:

3. My whole tab for the night was $21. V-A-L-U-E.

I don't know what time I finally hit the hay at the Ball of Twine Inn, but it was late enough that I didn't care that it was depressing and when I woke up around 7AM to use the bathroom I decided that I was too sober to sleep in that bed anymore so I washed the bar smell out of my hair and hightailed it out of there.

I was tempted to just skip town without taking any pictures of the twine but HANGOVER BE DAMNED, I had come all this way...so I added the length of twine left for me by the innkeeper, took some pictures, and headed out of town in search of coffee.

I missed the Twine-a-Thon by just a few weeks:

I signed the log:

I tried looking peppy:

This one is a shout out to my dad:

The thing I don't get is why the ball of twine was SUCH an attraction. I mean, I know *I* was there, but I'm weird. And seriously, it was IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. As in NOWHERE. It's something you have to go way out of your way to see, but the log had entries almost every day and the inn left me some pretty expensive looking marketing collateral and there's a yellow line of "twine" painted all down the main (only) drag and the storefronts are all empty except for twine-related art:

As weird as it was and as happy as I was to leave, I will always have fond memories of Cawker City, KS.

From there I moved on and drove through miles and miles and miles and miles of whatever this is (wheat?):

Amber waves of grain!

So miles and miles and miles of crops later, I arrived here:

If I had cell service I would have called someone and told them to bust out a map and look at the VERY MIDDLE of the lower 48 states because I was standing there RIGHT THAT VERY MOMENT!

There's not much to see out there so I snapped a few pictures, took a few minutes to listen to the cicadas and then headed out of Kansas:

Oooooooooooooooooklahoma!

2008-09-22T14:50:00.001-07:00

Maaaaaaaaaaaan, I can't believe I was in Oklahoma TWO WEEKS AGO and that it has taken me THIS long to get back to recapping my midwestern adventure. Sheesh.

Here's the bottom line:

I LOVED OKLAHOMA.

Sure, part of my lurrrrrrrve for Oklahoma was that it was totally freaking gorgeous when I was expecting it to be all dust-bowl-esque, but it was mainly great for the following reasons:

1. I was able to stop in and see an ollllllllllld family friend and visit her farm and meet her family and gawk at how L-O-V-E-L-Y it all was. I was so so so so so pleased to have the opportunity to reconnect with Carey because I hadn't seen her since I was a kid and she was a teenager and really, our families go waaaaaaaay back (as in, I wouldn't exist if our mothers hadn't met in England 40+ years ago) and I was thrilled for the chance to sit on her couch and look through old photo albums with her.

2. Oklahoma was the site of the "Elizabeth is stupid and couldn't figure out the toll road exit and was caught off guard when strangers stopped and offered her 50 cents so she could pay the toll" thing.

3. I inadvertently stopped at the WORLD'S LARGEST MCDONALD'S, which seemed appropriate given the fact that The World's Largest Ball of Twine and The World's Largest Ball of Stamps were also on my agenda for this road trip.

4. My hotel was probably the nicest hotel I'd ever stayed in and DEFINITELY had the most comfortable hotel bed in the world.

5. I had dinner at a restaurant listed in my book of 1,000 places to see before I die and had what was the best steak I'd ever tasted (until three days later when I had an even better one in Omaha).

6. Everybody was SO FREAKING NICE!

Proof that I was there:

Or at least half there, I guess.

Carey's husband's family has acres and acres of land in Oklahoma and I can't remember what kind of crops they have, but they also have CHICKENS!

If I hadn't been so late in arriving at the ol' homestead, I would have been able to see them using this thing to grade the eggs:

It was SO FREAKING HOT and I was MELTING like a snowman so the opportunity to get inside the egg cooler was welcome:

Carey's husband is really into birds and they keep a lot of them as pets, including guinea fowl:

and a whole bunch of fancy chickens:

and chickens with feathery feet!

And a horse too!

After a lovely visit with Carey, I headed off...

...into the sunset:

I took like 75 self portraits outside the restaurant where I had my delicious steak dinner and normally I'm a PRO at the self portrait, but I just couldn't get it together:

Y'all come back now:

I had some time to kill on Monday because I was spending Monday night in a BFE town in Kansas and I didn't want to get there TOO early because I knew there'd be a whole lot of nothing to do so I ended up going a bit south of Oklahoma City to Sulphur, OK:

It's the home town of my good buddy Dwight and I knew he'd get a kick out of it so I took a picture of the sign and sent it to him. He called me almost immediately and gave me a list of things I should do while I was in the area. Among them was a trip to Turner Falls, one of Dwight's childhood hangouts:

There was a long creek that led away from the falls with cabins and picnic tables scattered along the way. It looked like it would be a LOVELY way to spend the summer:

Dwight also said I needed to have fried catfish and hush puppies at this place, but BOOOOOOOOOOOOO for being closed on Mondays:

So I sulked away to get one of three lime-aids I drank while I was in Oklahoma.

Also while in Oklahoma --

My rental car was trying to tell me something:

And I played chicken with a semi:

Whew...the end.

Until I get up the energy to tell you about Kansas.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Kansas...